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Dreams of Color and snow	By : Iori Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male > Grimmjow/Ichigo Views: 1262 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Bleach is (c) Kubo Tite. Views expressed herein do not relfect those of Tite/ Shonen Jump. Author is making no profit from this work

Chapter List
- 1-Dreams of Color and snow
- 1
Bleach is (c) Kubo. Tite Views expressed herein are exclusively those of the author who is making no profit from this fanwork.

Dreams of Color and Snow

For the longest time since the winter war Ichigo had been plagued with dreams about Grimmjow. At first the dreams focused on the fighting and violence between the two, but then they started to shift. The first change had been the more in depth views of Grimmjow's pained angry expression as he'd been defeated. The next change had been conjuring up images of the two of them just sitting next to each other in Hueco Mundo, nothing happening, just staring up at the eternal night. That change hadn't really made that much of an impression other than he found it strange that they weren't fighting.
When the dreams had turned to Grimmjow getting along with him and even seemingly having innocent fun, Ichigo was thoroughly confused. He'd never seen the other in such a light and wondered why he was dreaming of the violent arrancar in such a tame manner. He wanted someone to talk about it with, but there really didn't seem to be anyone who'd understand or that wouldn't humiliate him. It also didn't escape his notice that he remembered every dream about Grimmjow with frightening clarity. Now even at twenty six years old when a lot of memories of that time had started to lose color, his dreams about the arrancar were still vivid. In fact Grimmjow had the most detail and saturation in his dreams.

It had bothered him so much that on his weekly meetings with Sado, the other had noticed his odd behavior. He should have expected his best friend to understand and help in the least amount of words possible. The uttered "you respected his ability" touched deep inside Ichigo and he slowly began to realize why he'd been so hung up on the arrancar. Because of the new knowledge Ichigo found himself sitting at his desk cutting away a replica of Grimmjow's hollow mask in clay. Not long after the war he'd made a replica of Nel's mask during a sculpture seminar he attended and placed it on a mound not too far away from where his mother was burried to show rememberance for the hollow he'd managed to form a brotherly bond to. Now he planned to make a mound for Grimmjow as well out of respect. He figured that the other deserved at least that.
Ichigo had made a point to visit Nel's mound as often as he could. Sometimes he'd spend hours telling her all that was going on in his life. Other times he'd just sit quietly trying to remember all the little details about her. The habit changed though when he made Grimmjow's mound close to hers. At first he didn't know what to do, so he just placed the jaw fragment on top of the mound and just sat in the dirt staring at it. Suddenly though he found himself speaking things that he only would admit to himself in the very darkest corners of his mind. Things only Zangetsu and his hollow might have known.

"I really wanted to hate you. Truth is, we're so alike that I never could. I wanted to defeat you, but oddly enough there's been this emptiness since then." Ichigo sighed and scrubbed the heel of his hand over his forehead. "Anyway, here's my way of showing you my respect."

-----

After making the mound for Grimmjow the dreams still were with him. The innocent fun turning into a more close friendship with each new dream. It had taken some getting used to, but Ichigo had eventually come to terms with the dreams. Sometimes, he even thought how much easier it would have been if his dreams had been real. It seemed like a ludicrous idea at first, but personally Ichigo would have loved to have a rival. He thought himself a bit juvenile for thinking how much more relaxed and full he'd feel if he could have someone on level ground to argue (fight) with.
Since building Grimmjow's mound, he'd coincidentally found himself living a lot closer to the area. A physical therapy clinic had hired him on forcing him to relocate. He hadn't minded in the least. It was a nice area and afforded him the added convenience of being able to visit his mother's grave and the two hollows' mounds more frequently. Every week he found himself coming out to replace the flowers on his mother's monument and then going off the two mounds and cleaning the replica masks and sitting and relaxing.

He continued this well into the fall when the weather had started to turn colder. For some reason sitting there with the two memorials just made Ichigo feel an odd calm. When it was just Nel's he'd find himself telling stories of what was going on. Now though, few words were spoken and he'd find himself just sitting and drawing things that reminded him of the two. His notebook was full of tiny doodles of Nel with her fraccion, but the more complete drawings were of Grimmjow. Sometimes just different parts of the Espada, sometimes full bodied images, and then a few times his sword, but they were always the more refined drawings. It was like Ichigo's hand moved of its own will as if tracing his memory directly on the page.
When the first snows hit Ichigo found himself in an awkward predicament. That first week had been a particularly busy one at the clinic. Between that, and the snow, Ichigo had forgotten to stop by the grave sites. Now his dreams seemed to be punishing him for it. When he'd woken up on sunday morning, his body was sore and he felt hot and bothered. Immediately he flushed noticing the state of his body and was assaulted by the images of his most recent dream starring Grimmjow. The dream had started out like his first ones so many winters previous. Violent and bloody. The dream skipped any preamble or niceties and Ichigo tried to erase the next part from his mind. But the more the tried to will it away, the more brightly it showed in his mind. His body facedown in the sand and the weight of Grimmjow's over his back. The sound of Grimmjow's voice as he'd uttered something vulgar which had aparently made Ichigo's dream self whimper.

Ichigo snapped out of his embarassed stupor and resolved to go visit the mounds today regardless of bad weather. He sighed in frustration noticing that his body was still very much in tune with the dream and he slid off to go rectify the problem.
---

Later in the afternoon Ichigo went to visit Nel and Grimmjow and found himself moving snow off the two mounds trying to find the replica masks. Nel's mask had been no problem as he let hers hand on the stake in the ground. Grimmjow's though was going to be a problem with the snow. He sighed and resolved to take the mask home and figure out something to fasten it to the stake.

He didn't want to do anything that would alter the appearance too much. As he thumbed the teeth he'd carved his mind went back to the humiliating zone in his dream, reminding him of how that same part had felt scraping against his cheek. He dropped the mask as a furious blush crawled over his face. Ichigo denied that he'd enjoyed any aspect of being submissive to the espada. That welled up a round of cackling in his head from the entity who'd been mostly quiet through the whole embarassing ordeal.

He rationalized that particular dream had been the result of guilt and pent up sexual frustration. His love life had been non-existent past the point when he'd tried to date Orihime. His guilt of not being strong enough to protect her in the first place had eaten away at him until their relationship had withered. Despite all that had happened, he still could not get any closer with her. And bless the girl's poor heart, she'd understood, been really hurt, but still forgave him for it. After that, he'd never tried with anyone else, knowing that the emptiness and guilt would still be there. He had wondered why now his body had tried to kick that up again. He'd never been a sexual man by nature, but the pure lewdness of the dream embarassed him. Oddly enough he noticed that he didn't even care that it was a man, or that the man in question was Grimmjow. He was horrified at how wanton he acted.
-----
After that though, he'd been back to the regular dreams of himself and Grimmjow fighting and getting along. He made sure not to miss a week of visiting their sites either lest he end up punishing himself with a dream like that again. Sometimes he wondered about the dream, but as soon as he realized he'd shut that line of thinking down, not before his mind's tennant had a few snide remarks though. He'd come to terms with the fact that he didn't hate Grimmjow a long time ago. He'd also come to terms with wishing that the espada might have been able to forge a friendship with him. He'd even begrudgingly admitted that he could see how Grimmjow could be described as attractive. Recently he'd realized that his dreams about Grimmjow had been having an up and down effect on that hollowness he felt. When he'd wake up, he'd feel a full kind of happiness, but as the day progressed the empty feeling would come back. The only day that it didn't, was on friday when he'd visit the mounds.

That in turn was what had him there on a Monday. It was December 21st and Ichigo had known that the coming friday would interrupt his time there. He'd come bearing some fresh candles and a cut from a very sturdy log. Ichigo had become used to his father randomly adopting new holiday traditions and he'd never really been too receptive to any of them, but the Yule log was the one that seemed to stick. This year his father had given him the responsibility of finding a good one for Christmas. Since he'd done so, he had cut a small portion out to bring to the grave sites.

"I know you guys probably can't hear, or maybe don't really care, but I feel like I should do this. The one thing that my idiot father introduced to us that I actually find as a nice tradition." Ichigo sigh and ran his finger tips along the grain. "A yule log is an old tradition for celebrating winter solstice. There's a lot of different things about it, but supposedly you're supposed to make a wish and then it's burned with the hopes of your wish coming true and the ashes are said to bless you." He chuckled to himself.
He set the piece down and lit the two candles. For several minutes he just stood quietly watching the flames flicker. Snow started falling softly. Ichigo felt completely calm and almost happy standing there sharing the moment. He sighed as the flakes became larger and more plentiful.

"Guess I should make a wish." He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "Just once...even if it's only a little bit, I want the emptiness to be gone."

------

Christmas Eve at the Kurosaki household was always a wild affair. Between the amount of people that his father invited over, his friends included, and the non-stop racket the elder Kurosaki made it was a wonder that none of the neighbors complained. Ichigo sighed as he made his way into the already packed house lugging a bag of presents, the yule log, and his own overnight bag. Ichigo's father still hadn't abandoned the habit of taking a flying kick whenever he opened the door. As usual he moved to the side letting his old man go right past him and into the snow covered front yard.
Being home helped to ease the hollowness a little. Seeing his sisters had made him feel warm inside. The whole thing was bittersweet. None of his acquaintances from Soul society ever had come despite knowing his father had invited at least a few. Urahara and the rest of the shop were there. Mostly because now they were almost like family with Yuzu's recent engagement to Jinta. Ichigo hadn't been too happy when he'd heard, but upon seeing Yuzu's glowing smile he couldn't help but change his mind. Karin had stayed single and Ichigo knew it had been because she was feeling a similar something missing. He had an idea about who that something was too. Even now though, she seemed happy as well arguing with Jinta.

Everyone seemed happy to him. And while he felt the warmth to some degree, he still had to quash the sadness that came with being around those he loved. He'd been happy to see Orihime and Uryu together. He'd known at some point how much the other had cared for her and was glad to know that their failed relationship hadn't ruined it for him. His smile seemed less forced as the night went on. Urahara had coerced many of the attendees into drinking causing an even more racous laughter than before. Ichigo had stepped out onto the back stoop to take a breather. A soft smile crossed his face as he felt Sado's presence behind him.

"You didn't figure it out yet."

"I guess I really am more hollow than I thought." Ichigo chuckled to himself. "I feel the most at ease when I'm sitting at their little mounds."

"There's no harm in admiting you miss fighting him."

Ichigo nodded knowing that his best friend was the only one he'd told about the marker he'd made for Grimmjow in hopes of quelling some of the desire to have a rival and fight. The two stood in comfortable silence just staring at the snow falling. Ichigo loved that he could share that with the other.

Sado broke the silence again. "I think you felt more of a connection to him." Ichigo turned to the other his eyes prodding him to go on. "When you told me about your last fight with him, I don't think you spared him out of goodness. I think you really wanted him to live because you two were already so entwined in your rivalry. You already saw him as a friend even if you didn't know it."
Ichigo laughed. "Maybe so. You have to be right if you're talking so much." The notion wasn't as ridiculous as it sounded and Ichigo actually felt a little less empty hearing it.

The two returned to the noise so that the newer tradition of burning the yule log could take place. Each person in the room made a wish while passing the the log along. When it got to Ichigo he calmly explained he'd made a wish already and didn't need to make another. An odd sense of peace fell over him as he thrust it into the burning hearth watching it crackle and spark. Ichigo's dad cheered and tried to get everyone to start in on Christmas carols. Ichigo merely tuned the rest out and watched the log slowly turned to ashes.

By the time it had completely burned out most of the guests were ready to leave. Isshin had small boxes for everyone and had split the ashes accordingly handing them out as they left. Afterwards his father had retired to his room and Yuzu had gone off to the kitchen to clean up the mess left by the party. This had left Ichigo with Karin. The two sat quietly sipping what was left of the bottle of Riesling his father had procured. Ichigo knew that Karin was thinking about Toushiro. He'd seen the expression before and knew it well. Similarly he'd been thinking about what Sado had said concerning Grimmjow and had noticed that small warm feeling is still lingering. He stood finishing his glass of wine and pat Karin's shoulder as he walked by.

Ichigo fell asleep watching the snow fall. As his eyes drifted closed his mind was back on Grimmjow. His mind replayed every detail about the arrancar from his piercing laugh to the way his eyes dialated when he was excited. Grimmjow's face was the first thing that appeared in his dream. Then came snow. For the longest time he was gazing down at Grimmjow laying on his back in the snow. The striking blue of his hair and the tan skin stood out against the pure white. The hollow's eyes were closed a soft frown tugging at his eyebrows. When he opened his eyes Ichigo felt trapped by the intense look the hollow was giving him. It was frightening and exhilarating. He was in a trance. He knelt next to the body in the snow his hand reaching out. Grimmjow lay still his eyes trained on Ichigo. His extended hand landed in the snow just next to Grimmjow's face. He could feel the mask brushing softly against against wrist. He scanned Grimmjow's face for some trace of emotion. Despite the frown, the hollow seemed completely calm. Suddenly a hand fisted his shirt and rolled them over. He knew he should have felt the cold that was surely seeping into his body from the snow, but he couldn't seem to care. His entire focus was on Grimmjow's face rapidly descending towards his own.
Ichigo awoke to a fluctuation in the spiritual energy around him. He sat up and peered over the window sill. Outside Toushiro was sitting on the front stoop. Ichigo smiled a little and went to beckon Karin. He sighed as he watched his sister go to speak with the young captain. A small exchange of words and gifts and then Karin was turning back to the house. Ichigo could see a faint blush on the shinigami's face as he shunpoed off. He smiled softly as he walked downstairs to make himself coffee.

Once yuzu was awake the celebrating started. His father noisily insisting on playing Santa starting off the tradition. Though he was happy with his family, watching their glowing smiles, his mind kept drifting back to Grimmjow. All through the day Grimmjow was circling in his mind and still the emptiness hadn't set in like it normally would. He found it odd, but was still grateful for it had allowed him to more enjoy his time with his family. Even if his mind had been preoccupied.

A pull in his spirit had him packing up his things and leaving much to the protest of his father and sisters. Ichigo had come up with a believable excuse knowing they'd accept it no questions asked. He'd been happy with them and almost wished to stay, but something was pulling him home. He'd promised them he wasn't going to be alone. After much cajolling from his father he was finally able to go though.

As he had driven the pull was stronger. It was almost night when he'd gotten back to the area. Just as he was closing in on the street leading to his flat, something else pulled at him. He veered off and parked just outside the cemetary. He stopped briefly to pay his respects to his mother and then continued on almost breaking into a run towards the mounds for Grimmjow and Nel. A feeling of deja vu washed over him as the snow began to fall. His footsteps slowed when the area came into view.

Lying in the snow was Grimmjow. He looked almost like he did in Ichigo's dream. The only difference was the bright red staining the snow underneath him. Ichigo's eyes widened and quickly he approached the arrancar and knelt at his side scanning for injuries. Gingerly he reached out and touched Grimmjow's side. He could find no trace of wound where the blood could be coming from. He moved his hand to the other side to check, but was halted by a strong grip on his wrist. He turned and was locked in place by Grimmjow looking at him through lowered lids. The blue seemed to glow from under the dark lashes. Ichigo was entranced. He'd never seen such an expression on the other. Not even in his more heated dreams.
"You look worried about me." Grimmjow chuckled out breaking the trance. "It's not mine." He said and left it at that

Ichigo sat back in the snow as the other pushed himself up. "How are you here now? I thought--"
"Don't go putting people in graves." Grimmjow groused. "Was looking for you and for some reason I ended up here. Place reeks of your spiritual pressure."

Ichigo looked at where his wrist was still in Grimmjow's grasp. Grimmjow's hand was cold, but not unpleastantly so. Grimmjow followed his line of sight and a smirk crossed his face. He tightened his grip and yanked Ichigo forward. This caused him to crash into Grimmjow's side as he sprawled out in the snow. The arrancar laughed heartily and despite the cold Ichigo found himself feeling an incredible warmth bubbling up from within. He found himself smiling and eventually chuckling.

"Why are you here Grimmjow?" Ichigo twisted so he was sitting in the snow next to the other. "It's been years since the war."

Grimmjow leaned back and gazed at the sky while shrugging. "There's color here." Ichigo watched as Grimmjow sighed. His expression was drawn and tired. "The most color I saw was when I was fighting you. I'm dead, but yet I'd never felt so alive."
"So why aren't you fighting me?" Ichigo asked sincerely a small frown gracing his face.

"Dunno." Grimmjow's eyes widened as he stared at the falling snow. "Even this has color." He sighed gruffly. "How long has it been again? You look different. Your color has faded." He grumbled.

"For me, ten years. For you I don't know, maybe a hundred or so." Ichigo felt self concious suddenly. "I've been missing something since the war. Something vital."
Grimmjow turned suddenly glaring at Ichigo. He barely dodged the fist coming at him. Grimmjow wasted no time lashing at him again. Quickly the two were on their feet. Ichigo dodged each punch sent at him. The feeling of air whooshing by his face from the hollow's fists was invigorating. Soon he found himself retaliating. He could tell Grimmjow was not being serious because there would have been no way his human form could have kept up with the espada. Still, the fighting was welcome. Ichigo eventually landed a punch to Grimmjow's cheek. It caused the hollow to grin widely as his head snapped to the side.
"There! That fire! That color!" He yelled while grabbing Ichigo's shoulder and bearing him to the ground.

Ichigo saw it. Grimmjow's eyes dialated the dark of the pupils almost completely overtaking the glowing cerulean. They scuffled roughly tearing and punching at each other until eventually Grimmjow's bulkier mass had pinned Ichigo down. He lay silently scowling up at the hollow while catching his breath. Grimmjow was panting and looked positively gleeful, in a frenzied violent way.

"You're glowing Kurosaki." He growled in what Ichigo could only describe as a bedroom voice.

He gazed up at Grimmjow his scowl melting into a curious and heated expression. It caught the Espade off guard when Ichigo grabbed Grimmjow's hair and yanked him down for an open mouthed kiss. The other was stunned at first, but then quickly got the hint baring teeth and responding with relish. It wasn't graceful or loving, but desperate. Ichigo was pulling all the feeling he could get out of that kiss as if afraid the emptiness would come back. Grimmjow felt alive again. It was like when he'd been fighting, but this was much stronger. The colors coming off Ichigo were so vibrant that he tried to suck it all in. When they finally parted Ichigo's lips were swollen and his cheeks pinked. An odd silence feel over them as they both tried to catch up with what had just occurred. Ichigo was embarassed, but couldn't find it in himself to regret the action. The vacant spot in his spirit was oddly full. Even his hollow self had commented on it.

Finally Ichigo broke the silence. "Grimmjow, come home with me." He whispered out unsure of what had come over him.
"Che, You propositioning me Kurosaki?" Grimmjow leered.

Ichigo's response was to push the other off him and stand up. As he started to walk away he heard the tell-tale sound of crunching snow. He smirked inwardly knowing that Grimmjow was following him his interest perked. It was then that Ichigo realized why he'd felt so empty before. Somewhere along the line of fighting Grimmjow the line of hate blurred into something else completely. Grimmjow was his missing piece. He stopped walking and turned to face the other.
"What?" Grimmjow groused.
"You're the piece that's been missing." He smiled warmly at Grimmjow once again catching the hollow off guard.

Grimmjow's eyes widened. Ichigo's spirit was almost tangible. He felt it pulling him in. There was more vibrancy coming off the other. Something that only the eyes of a hollow could see and he wanted it all. It was stifling. The hole in his stomach ached as if in response to the filling presence. Grimmjow didn't feel worn or tired anymore. He knew then exactly what Ichigo had meant. Forget all feelings of dominance and pride. All he wanted was to consume everything that Ichigo would give. For the first time since he'd been killed Grimmjow saw something as beautiful. There outlined against the snow and night sky Ichigo burned brightly and it was the single most mystifying sight he'd ever seen. He reached out stepping quickly to Ichigo and assaulting him with another desperate kiss.
"Yea...I'll go home with you." He finally murmured noticing again the full feeling in his spiritual pressure.

Forget the cold. Forget the snow and hustle-bustle of the season. That was all Ichigo needed to hear.
---------------------------------------

a/n: This is my entry for the Winter fic contest on the grimmichi community on Devart. It's probably kinda hard to understand and maybe feels a little rushed. It's very stream of concious because I didn't want to lose the idea and the steam on it. I did try really hard to make it thought felt and enjoyable. Perhaps it's out of character a little bit, so I apologize for that. Also, I realize that my descriptions of what the yule log is used for might be off. All the traditions of this season seem to get all lumped together so sometimes it's hard to find the individual histories on them. I do know that it is part of solstice and winter hunt celebrations. I liked the idea of it. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with using it.

It was fun to write this, so I do hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.
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Dreams of Color and snow