Adult-FanFiction.org : Bleach

Reviews for The War Within

By : Raymy

From kurahieiritrJIO on August 05, 2013
Very nicely done chapter with the characters retaining the feel of being well developed. I do enjoy how you stay true to the characterization while working through the chapter's plotting. As a rule I do not often like reading multiple POV shifting chapters because of poor handling for character shifts. However,m you form remains truer to the older and correct formula of a limited God perspective Point of View with each shift in each character through the complete paragraph. Each shift is appropriate to the character's personality so it makes for an interesting transitional phase as you settle on each character's view, and move to the next. I appreciate seeing that someone does know how to use that technique well.

I like how you have Urahara attempting to meet his students halfway in this specific chapter. Ruthless as he is, Urahara does have a compassionate side, and it is nice to see his cunning take a back seat to his more human qualities. Keeping most of this in his perspective is quite fitting since he makes an excellent glue to bring the diverse side trips into other character's perspectives out with a sense of clarity that would be missing if his was not the dominant POV for the chapter.

I can also guess where Ichigo is going to go with his explosive entrance. Can't wait to see if I am correct about my theory, if only because Ichigo's hollow is such a character! I can see him giving flack if only because the strong hollow persona, I can see Ichigo being very cranky with the lecture. Snickers. Keep writing my friend, and I shall keep reading.
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From BookMaggot on August 05, 2013
*glomps* You're back!

And with a wicked chapter to boot!

I must say I have a strong liking for the title 'Uruhara's Shame' it comes across as something that doesn't make a lot of sense. Like 'Dry Ice' and 'freeze burns' you can never quite manage to picture it in your head XD

As always the pacing and story is brilliant, and your characters are done to the tee, especially Uruhara. When I read your stories I always find myself admiring the way you capture the subtleties of the characters with seemingly little effort. You bring them over in such a fantastic and elegant way it's honestly hard to pin point where exactly you do it. I think that's just brilliant writing.

But talk about a cliffy XD Oh Ichigo you mad lovable bastard you, he never takes any crap from the poor scientist. I say poor only in a figurative sense as literally he's a conniving bastard in his own right.

But don't you dare follow my example and leave us hanging for months on end -_-

I eagerly await the next update ^_^

P.S: My favourite part was 'Yourichi cat' it was just ADORABLE!
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From kurahieiritrJIO on May 27, 2013
Reading chapter 5 was entertaining. I like the fact that you blended the original storyline with an off stage type scene to round out the chapter. It is also quite a normal thing for people with South American Indian heritages to use things like pot or peyote in the spiritual context. It looks like you did some great research the really brought Chad's other heritage to the fore. I like to see stories that keep things in context. Chad's descriptions of his ideal about love and death are quite Amerindian in nature in many respects. I found the characterization very good. Thanks for sharing this.
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From kurahieiritrJIO on May 26, 2013
Wow, I can see the twisted captain going overboard like he's planning this round quite easily. I did not see Mayuri as being a very ethical person when I watched the series recently. You really nail Mayuri's proclivity for psychosis in this particular storyline beautifully. Good characterization is very difficult to nail faithfully, but I think you really have the mad scientist down pat. I look forward to reading more of this twisted scheme just so I can grin about a great internal monologue that fits the charater very well. Keep writing. :)
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From FicticiousDelicious on April 12, 2013
Uryū & Chad in a Joint Venture

I have been hiding under a rock but now I am back to keep reading these wonderful chapters!
Poor Orihime...meek human being... Heh. Initially that shouldn't be a bad thing (it doesn't seem like a bad to me, yet).
Uryu comes off as very independent and cautious. If he's "difficult to convince" and feeling "exceptionally alone with this burden" as well as wishing he "could confide in someone" I'd say that's a recipe for some more than slight suppression (which may lead to depression). He seems smart, but sensitive.
Well at least Uryu talked to someone. Urahara seems mature, it's a good thing Uryu confided in him (his father seems closed minded).
"Chap" Urahara would use a word like that. Heh!
Ichigo and the word "destined"...[if Ichigo's character follows cannon] those two just hop in bed with each other. To this segment about Ichigo (brought up in the midst of talk over Uryu's problem) I felt refreshed. The focus stayed on Uryu and didn't shift to our little orange haired uber-protagonist. You've done a good job making me like Uryu and keeping my thoughts on him.
I've been privy to a preview of your story so when I read (or reread) that Uryu was going to go to Chad's first and see Inoue after I laughed...hard. VERY HARD. Thinking about them showing up on her door-step after...fornicating (or something no less passionate)...with their hair fluffed and clothes badly straitened was just too much. Oh such a dirty mind... I feel that if I were a reader without having previewed this chapter I wouldn't know exactly what to expect from Chad's sudden invitation. ("Joint Venture", now I know for certain you like playing with puns! So clever, so clever!)
"...their last get-together." Yep! That spells sexual/personal interest. "Needle" as a verb, hee hee! Oh no...here we go...Ichigo and the broken bass. I believe I used the word 'sin' to describe that before. The s-word still stands. (Interlude: I love the way, "As an accomplished tailor with a touch of the divine in his fingertips, Ishida could appreciate Sado�s deft artistry on the bass,..." is phrased and what it addresses. I'm in total agreement with 'similarity breeds appreciation' idea here.)
"It was during one of their weekend afternoon retreats, playing Guitar Hero, that Kurosaki grabbed Sado�s prized guitar and went AC/DC on it. Needless to say, the Substitute Shinigami won another battle that day, and the loser was the Fender Precision Bass." Laughing...so hard...again. Ouch. Hurts to breathe. This brings me back to that whole enjoyment of how you include Ichigo but keep my focus on other characters. You're still doing it, and well.
"Sado could sense Ishida staring at him, but it didn�t bother him as he was very comfortable in his own skin." the brings to mind a sincere 'good for him (Chad)' moment. Ooooh, so Chad AND Ichigo are fans of Mary Jane. Hee Hee.
Life to the fullest... There's conflict about that between Chand and Uryu. It seems that this chapter is implying that the 'fullest' is when you have 'freedom' or when one feels 'freed', but that's just my take on it.
"It seemed the �anxiety medicine� was having the desired effect." agreed, about it working and it being "anxiety medicine". Uryu is definitely competitive when it comes to Ichigo, that's an interesting relationship for them. As for Uryu and Chad's relationship, even being not a very big fan of the Uryu and Chad pairing, I must say you've made it quite sweet. *smiles* The words 'slow/relaxed' and 'tender' also come to mind. For the dialogue though I catch the sensual and seductive vibes. In simple terms the way they speak is seductive, without being overkill or crass.
"...reflecting on your thoughtful insight just brings out such passion..." intellectual stimulation, Uryu you devil! Hee Hee, how delicious.
"�Do not, under any circumstances, stop talking.�" That made me laugh. Uryu definitely seems controlling but not too pushy, just enough get what he wants out of the encounter.
You know, Chad's speaking of life and death makes me think about tragic heroes.
"Inoue Orihime was tired of waiting for Ishida and decided to go over to Sado�s on her own." that sentence shook, rattled, and rolled me. DO NOT DISTURB. Well if they're finished by all means disturb. I love how Orihime seems to being to 'grow some' by the end. Less meek than I thought, maybe...

What a heart warming and delicious chapter this was! You did a wonderful job editing! I continue to enjoy your writing, and I await the next chapter with bated breath! :o
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From BookMaggot on April 03, 2013
Okay, concussion dealt with, I am reviewing both chaptes in this review... cuz I can :D

Chapter 4: 'Wow' is a word I don't think covers it all that well. Awesome is a bit better but still doesn't do it so let's just go with 'Superawesometaculertimessix'... yeah that about does it. Writing, I'm not even going to say anything about that, it's always brilliant no matter what you do. In hotness... just...just... jushshible- no! I told myself I was going to get through this dammit it! Aver eyes, aver eyes! okay, calm breaths... phew... I found the songs an interesting add on to the story. They kinda gave a cool timeline so you know how long it's going on... which is pretty rare. I mean I can give a perfect timeline here... which aweseome! The story is perfection as always.

Chapter 5:

It was just so sweeeeet. I don't know it just tugged at the heart strings and had me 'aweing' more times than I could count. I've always had a secret fangirl flag for chad/uryuu and I feel you just nailed this right out of the park. It was perfect, I know I say that a lot but it just is. I loved how you convyed Uryuu in this, scratched and dug and poked at that vulnrability that he hides like a vampire but that manahed to shine through so perfectly here. And exposing that human need to be with someone. I found it heart warming, and so beautiful. A perfect coupling... that only the magic of weed could let come to pass. :) Ten thumbs up and I eagerly wait for the next installment! :D
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From BookMaggot on April 03, 2013
I have been a little busy of late and only got to this story today, and low and behold two whole chapter sfor me to read! I was certianly excited so I dived right into the first one with unbridleded eagernesz andl endedssss upper withl bizzle snizzle whizzle floggen dogi shooon woggle flipple flop flip

*Thud*

... thats wasss friggins awesomez

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From Anon on April 02, 2013
Urk, hit submit too soon!

You could have OrihimeCirruci make the other girls submit to Queen Inoue, King Ichigo and Lord Ogichi. I'm sorry if it's a terrible.
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From Anon on April 02, 2013
I don't know if this is just yaoi, but I'm hoping for Ichigo/Orihime.

If you're going to inject someone into Orihime, how about Hallibel or Nel?

If you pick Hallibel then you could have a serious determined Orihime, if you pick Nel you could have a goofy Orihime with an ass kicking mode...

Or you could pick Cirruci Whateverthehellhernameis and have Orihime go Dominatrix and make Ichigo submit to his Queenie.
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From FicticiousDelicious on March 11, 2013
A Novel Cure

Clever title! You know...for some reason when I read about Grimmjow getting five other arrancar killed in your story I felt the impact more from Aizen's point of view. Five less soldiers because of one's brash actions... I've always liked Grimmjow as a character but I was rather frustrated when my mind arrived at that grim (pardon the pun) truth. I've never had trouble considering that he thoughtlessly led his Fraccion to the killing floor, but this time I was ready to jump on the 'let's punish him' band-wagon. Kind of bitter huh?
By the way I still love the fact that you call Aizen a 'renegade'. That's an excellent descriptor for him. Gah! Tosen's just a frickin' acrotomophile (sexual attraction to amputations)! *cackles* Still thinking of the Tweedles for Grimmy and Starrk?
Grimmjow's part time job must be irritating Tosen. If Tosen had to go so far as to hack off one of Grimmy's arms Grimm-Grimm must be pretty good at that job. He should work full-time and get a bonus. *snickers* So a crude amputation is just a wrist slap, huh? *shudders* Well if that isn't foreshadowing to 'things could get a whole lot worse' I don't know what is! *snort-chuckle* Ahem! *composes herself once again* 'Forbidden fruit', interesting and accurate choice of words.
I'll quote myself because I don't think I know how to phrase this better than I had before; "Strangely Aizen seems more loving than Mayuri after reading this, he is affectionate toward Gin and I believe you used the word 'beloved' to describe Gin in regard to Aizen." I like this relationship between to fox and his lord. I'm also very fond of the way Gin's speech and thoughts flow (smoothly) in this chapter.
([revised] quoting myself) "I would figure evil men such as Aizen and Mayuri would be evenly devoid of 'loving' feelings because they are both manipulative ones pulling strings. Yet thinking over 'why' they [might] lack in the 'loving' department makes their unevenness sensible. Though [at this point in your story] I know more of why Mayuri lacks than why Aizen might." I like that bit of mystery, wondering if Aizen will be cruel, cold, or something altogether different. He obviously has an affectionate side but is it perverse? Much food for thought this mood from his conversation with Gin creates.
"It's a species thing." That's funny as heck because it's undeniable and true. *raises her hand* Grimmjow wouldn't listen to a conscience even if he had one...but that is just me thinking out-loud. If Starrk was paired up with Grimmjow and wanted to survive (being that Grimmjow's pretty much a can of temperamental soaked kitty-cat with a side of irrational hostility) Starrk wouldn't have an option to sleep [unless he had a death-wish].
Gin is such a devious brain. I'm catching the vibe that he likes to watch trouble unfold...whimsical fox stirring the damn fish bowl...
Of course Aizen! When things call for devious complexity look to the nearest scientist and have him whip up something awful...awfully...SCIENTIFIC! You can't fight science; no matter how much you sleep things away and no matter how much of a hard-head you are. The scientific world around us is one HELL of a force to be reckoned with. However...Szayel and his pink hair... *snickers* The day I cower in front of a man with pink hair and white rimmed glasses he better be eight feet tall and weight several hundred pounds. It's probably a bone-headed thing, taking Szayel lightly because of his appearance, but hey; everyone chuckles [hysterically] in front of danger once and a while, right?
I enjoy science, down to its gritty details, but I thank you for sparing me those for now because I'm rather enveloped within the plot of this story.
Well Grimmjow's words and immediately being worried about his rank; that definitely screams prideful and brash. You reinforce those when he speaks-out about completing the task all by his lonesome. Man...you've done a good job fanning the 'arrogant, prideful prick' fire around Grimmjow. I'm certain such will come to burn him later. Well done.
Again, *inhales* I SO CALLED IT! Grimmjow the mighty hates needles! AHAHAAAAA! Oh that's funny shit! Funny, funny, funneh! *calms herself* Oooo...that dirty Aizen, indirectly threatening Lily (a 'child' figure). Smart tactic but it reeks of 'unfair play'. (quoting myself) "When you return successful from your mission, KEYWORD SUCCESS, nothing less." Heh.
There goes Starrk for his hundred meter dash and Grimmjow's kite mode has been activated!
Well if Szayel didn't know about Grimmjow's arm being sliced: a) it must have happened recently, b) word doesn't travel fast, or c) Szayel really doesn't prefer to stick his nose in the others' business. (perhaps a combination)
Poke first, questions later, good plan Starrk! It's clear our first Espada isn't short on brains...but wondering about what he might have done to displease Aizen? Now that indicates his sleeping habits and lazy attitude are subconscious. It is possible for someone to miss their habits being 'annoying' or 'inconvenient'. I suspect that Starrk is unaware (to an extent) that his laziness is annoying. Perhaps Grimmjow will exhibit the same unawareness about himself.
I like this intellectual discussion of the 'heart' between Szayel and Starrk. I wonder WHO Szayel dissected...cadavers...what a morbid thought...to be cut up. I wonder if the Espada was already dead...
Irregular excess of speech [on Starrk's part] hints (though I already gathered this) that this discussion over 'hearts' is rather important. Will it reflect throughout the rest of the story? I sense it quite possibly will. To possess a 'heart' seems a philosophical matter to me.
Szayel's offer to let Starrk actually listen to his heart firsthand made me smile. I remember how cool listening to my heart was when I was a kid, but man those stethoscopes can seriously amplify sound! I hope Szayel wasn't pulling his leg.
"Listen to my love." What an interesting concept and refreshingly original.
Oh no...and the perversity starts. Tingly tingly... How interesting that Grimmjow overheard. I wonder if he really doesn't care or if he finds it too much of a strain to try comprehending.
YES! You are still thinking of the Tweedles. *chuckles*

What a refreshing chapter. Delicious intrigue and philosophy well presented. *purrs with contentment*
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From Anon on March 11, 2013
No offense but the constant references to songs is kind of annoying.
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From BookMaggot on March 07, 2013
I love Starrk. He's such a funny guy, and if this is turning into a Starrk/Grimmjow story then I will be in fangirl heaven ^_^

At first I was a little surprised to find an entire chapter dedicated to the Espada. Then I reread the summary, slapped myself over the head and dug right in. It was a fun read! Aizen is a very impressive figure, and you nailed him as always. I am in awe at how well you interpret the characters, and how well they interact with each. You really have a talent for characterisation. Your writing style is very impressive as well, but I found myself spacing out whenever it got a little technical >_> Sorry I'm really not smart. But I do think it might be a good idea to either simplify the technical aspects or to describe it differently, to keep the reader interested. Well that's just me I might be completely off here for all I know :)

Other than that, I really enjoyed, and I eagerly await the the next instalment! ^_^

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From wolfkin59 on February 10, 2013
Ha! I already told you my thoughts for most of this chapter, but the bits you added in for Starrk and Grimmjow's scenes? Epic. Hilarious, too, because I've got such a skewed sense of humor, but that may just be me. ;)

Anyway, it's certainly a good bit of development and (yes, by all means, if it works for you, go ahead and take "dark" as a challenge - I would) I'm definitely enjoying the plot as it unfolds. Of course, knowing at least vague pairings may help, too. ;D Yumminess in the future, but with bad stuff to go through first.

And I still don't know what to think about Aizen and Gin, exactly (or, more truthfully, Gin alone), but as you've said, either you'll cover that later on or you won't, depending on whether or not you include certain darker scenes.

The nicknames Szayel gave had me snickering to myself, and having Starrk and Grimm all...high on hormone supplements? (I know, you said ENZYMES, but really, it's like Szay slipped 'em roofies or something.)...well, their shot-befuddled wits and lack thereof had me laughing, too. ;) Of course.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this story, as always, and if you need or want help with them at any time, you have (at last count) three different ways to say, "Hey, take a look at this," and you know I'll be there ASAP. And of course I want to read more. :D

May the words just flow,
Cuzosu
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From FicticiousDelicious on February 08, 2013
The Unsuspecting Volunteers

No onions! Good! Blech...not trying to hurt any feelings if anyone likes them but onions are not my kettle of fish.
Fear, a strong emotion that might haunt Nemu later. Obsession? Hmmm...Mayuri wouldn't like that but Nemu is a lucky girl if Akon has taken a liking to her. He seems like a nice individual. Well the news she had hit Akon like a brick. Poor fella, that's a tough thing to hear coming from the woman he holds in high regard. At 10 pm huh? That sounds like a date! So both Nemu and Mayuri don't eat onions...bet it's a genetic allergy. :3
Mayuri doesn't realize it but he's making an enemy out of Akon with his poor behavior toward Nemu. That will probably cost him, considering Akon is an important aid to Mayuri. Nice reference to tinker toys, I remember those, it was fun to manipulate the shapes into the tallest structure possible. At least Nemu can feel good about herself for a brief instance while Mayuri tries to figure out how to locate a subject. *snickers at the mention of Rangiku's bosom and snickers again about Hana's tattoo*
Mayuri is a very analytic mind, he takes in a plethora of information from his surrounds, conversations, etc. He's very sharp.
I think it's a defense mechanism to say he mixes "work" and "play" time so he isn't a "workaholic" but I guess future chapters will tell of his activities to give us a true perspective.
Oh no...Hisagi...run while you still can...Poor guy...he has been chosen to host the quack's catch. One out of three, Mayuri might get more than he bargained for if he's greedy about nabbing an Espada...or two. So Maryuri selects Kyoraku to deal with his hollow catch. Oh boy...

This chapter was crystal clear, very well explained. Me likie much!
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From BookMaggot on February 08, 2013
Damn this is awesome! I just everything about it, from the characterizations to the in depth and fluid writing style. You're really amazing, I can't wait for chapter three... please update soon :)
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