The Ghosts Upstairs

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            “SPIRITS!  ARE ALWAYS!  WITH!”  The body contorted in some awkward, angular pose, fingers pointing up and down, toes extended.  Don Kanonji had lost none of his pageantry, but he was starting to show his age, panting and struggling after he bellowed, high-pitched, “YOU~!!!”

            Regardless of his lack of breath and trembling limbs, Kazui showed some awe and appreciation for the man who had just showed up unexpectedly at the door.  He’d seen ghosts and portals to other worlds, but this was his first time meeting a celebrity!  And of course, his smile shone bright.  “You’re from the tv!” he declared with a point, but could not remember the name; just the face.  The thick handlebar mustache, the dreadlocks, the shades and hat or crown, and the cape like a royal armored guard!  Kazui enjoyed the spectacle, and it seemed the man was happy to be noticed, patting him heavily on the head with the hand not holding the extravagant cane.

            “Don Kanonji is always happy to meet his young fans…!”

            Kazui laughed genially, but said that he wouldn’t call himself a fan; not that Kanonji heard.

            “… but our banter must wait!  Hmm!”  He leaned over Kazui and peeked into the Kurosaki household, looking left and right like he could see anything beyond the foyer.  “This is my Number One Disciple’s house, isn’t it?  I suppose…  Hm?!”

            “Kazui, who’s at… oh!”  Orihime seemed to pop with delight upon laying eyes on the superstar from her youth!  She hadn’t the clumsy experiences with him that her husband or Ishida-kun had had, but she was always a fan of his type of energy.  “Wow!  It’s Don Kanonji-san!”

            “Mhm!  That’s right, ma’am!  Your Don Kanonji, everyone’s Don Kanonji is here!”  He abruptly turned stern, fixing his glasses on his narrow and intense eyes.  “And I am here… to inspect foul spirits.”

            Kazui was perplexed, as he’d already led a wayward spirit from the clinic earlier to a portal’s jaws to say goodbye.  But his mom seemed convinced, leaning past her boy, playing along with this theatre.  “Is there something wrong with the house?”

            “Hmm…”  His nostrils flared, his eyes surveying the milf.  “There could be.  I came to check on my most devoted follower, but…  Perhaps I am meant to exorcise the house!  That may be what compelled me to drop in on my cherished disciple!”

            “Oh?  Really?”

            “Of course!” cried Kanonji, swinging a finger up to the ceiling.  The momentum of his fantasy conquered Orihime’s confusion, sweeping her up in the delusion, eyes chasing his point like she could see its purpose.  “I sensed it the moment you arrived!  Bad spirits, up to no good!  Aroused by ignorant tranquility!”

            Orihime looked at him, big eyes blinking.  “Ignorant?” she repeated bewilderedly.

            “Do not mistake me,” he consoled her sagely, now drawing his flashy cape inward like a bat, bowing his head ominously.  “It is not your fault, and my Disciple still has much to learn from me.  Ordinary folk can not address the wicked as I can!

            Orihime and her boy just continued to stare, not really understanding.  Not far beyond behind him, there was a Plus drifting lazily in the air, bemoaning his lost life and searching for absolution.  Yet Kanonji seemed none the wiser to his plight…

            “… Oh,” murmured Orihime, hoping not to seem lost by Kanonji’s rant.

            Now the cape burst wide with a wild squeal that made mother and son flinch.  At the very least, Kazui had started to enjoy the spectacle.  This man was loud and wild and seemed fun!  Kind of like Kon, who had taken another journey of self-discovery (a trip to the bathhouse to play the part of a plushie left behind in the women’s dressing room).

            “I shall take on the challenge!” proclaimed the spiritualist, to Orihime’s baffled relief.  She wasn’t entirely following what he was talking about – Ichigo’s presence alone kept the house pretty clean of wayward spirits, bad or otherwise. – but if such an acclaimed celebrity said something was wrong, surely there must be some truth to it!

            “Of course,” he went on, head bowed slightly, shades fixed upon the woman; she could feel his eyes on her body, “for this job, I will need a medium!  I sense great potential in you, gurl!  Come!”  Speed belying his graying, he swept past both mother and son like a blur, catching Orihime’s wrist to pull her along.  She exclaimed, surprised, but went along with him as he navigated the home.  He truly must be keen, to know right where he was going when he reached the stairs and headed up, saying, “Those wicked spirits concentrate most where you feel safest!  We must perform an exorcism in your room!”

            “M-My room?” stammered Orihime, grabbing hold of the banister as he pulled her up.

            “Mom?”

            Halfway up, Orihime stopped; Kanonji let her.  She turned to her son, giving him a reassuring smile.  “Don’t worry, Kazui.  We’ll handle this.  Just watch tv in the meantime.”

            Kazui cocked his head, unsatisfied that he wasn’t getting to watch something interesting.

            “Listen to your mother,” agreed Kanonji, finger raised pointedly.  “No matter what you hear, don’t come upstairs!  This is an event for older viewers.”

            Kazui’s expression didn’t change, but he at least did what he was told.  “Okay,” he said sadly.

            And with that, Kanonji hurried Orihime the rest of the way upstairs, leading her excitedly to her room.  Running footsteps, and then the door slammed.

            Kazui sulked.  Fun stuff always happened when he wasn’t around.  And he had to wait until nighttime for the floating fishes to start swimming in the sky so he could help wayward spirits find rest.

            He wandered around the kitchen briefly, wondering if he should eat.  He wasn’t hungry.  Briefly, disobeying his mom’s orders, he stood at the foot of the stairway.  He considered ascending and quietly pressing his ear to the door to listen to the exorcism taking place.  But they were so quiet, it was like they weren’t even in the house anymore.

            Maybe it was more boring, if it was this quiet.

            He sighed and went to the couch, ultimately obeying and watching tv.  Cartoons were good.  He settled in, and like a good boy, he switched his mind off and let the tv do its programming.

            He was several minutes into an episode of a cat and some fire demon or something that not-Americans watch when he heard something like a thud happen upstairs; and before he could think he had imagined it, his mom’s wailing voice broke the silence.  Kanonji-san too, sounding like he was grunting or chanting while the thudding continued.  Thmp!Thmp!Thmp! over and over!

            The cartoon was forgotten.  Kazui turned around, looking in the direction of the noise.  It was almost eerie, to be honest.  His mom sounded like she was in trouble – Maybe the thumping was the bad spirit manifested! – and Kanonji was combatting it with some mighty spell to assuage its rage.  Maybe the ghost was lifting and dropping all sorts of furniture to make such a racket, and that was why Kazui could not attend; they didn’t want the small boy to be crushed under a dropping dresser or mattress.

            “N-No!  Not there!” he distinctly heard Orihime cry out.

            “Don’t panic,” wheezed Kanonji, clearly endeavoring for hers and her son’s wellbeing.  “We will see this through to the end!  Ughn!”

            Their voices combined in the rising crescendo, like they were trying to out-shout one another; Mama was winning, it sounded like, or she was in the most danger.  Kazui started to worry.  Hopefully Dad would get home and handle this properly to save Mama.

            “I’m-I’m coming!”

            Where had she gone?  Somewhere that must have been very scary to make such a high-pitched squeal.

            “Yes, grab onto me!  Ah~!  Too tight!”

            Yes, Mama did have tight hugs, Kazui could attest.

            “Ughn!  Here it comes!  Ah!  Spirits!  Are all!  Within!”  Kanonji-san’s voice stretched, “Yyyyooouuu~gahh~♥”

            The wall pounding was vigorous in those last seconds, and then suddenly, it all died down to near absolute quiet but for Kazui’s dog cartoon or something.

            The boy pursed his lips, gawking at the stairway, waiting for something to happen.  Normally, in the movies and animes, this was where the quiet was interrupted by an abrupt and vicious return of the enemy; like Freeza in DRAGONBALL Z.

            But nope.  All was quiet.  All was well.

            In a few minutes of waning anticipation, Kazui heard the door unlock and open.  “Whew!  I have not had such bad spirits turn so good!  You truly are a remarkable talent, gurl!”

            Kanonji-san was winded, walking down the stairs with weaker strides.  It surely took something out of him to exorcise the spirits.

            But not nearly as much as it took out of Orihime by the look of her!  Following Kanonji, she grabbed the railing and practically wobbled down after him, knees turning inward, her luscious hair now frazzled, her skin awash in sweat and a full flush.

            “Thank you, Kanonji-san,” she uttered, and amended a slip of her sundress across her shoulder.  She pulled and smoothed her dressing until, at the bottom of the stairs, she looked up and saw (and seemed to remember) Kazui.  “K-Kazui-chan!”  Her flush deepened, and now she seemed panicked to get her dress in order.  “Um!  Kanonji-san was able to take care of the bad spirits!”

            “That’s right,” panted the older gentleman, taking a hanky from his gleaming uniform to dab his perspiring brow.  “Those meddlesome spirits won’t be back anytime soon.  And when they do, you’ll know who to depend on!  I’ll always be right here!”

            Kazui watched Kanonji place his hand over his mom’s heart.

            Orihime swallowed, lips – shimmering and somewhat more plumped than usual – tightening.  “Y-Yes.  Thank you.”  She shifted and shimmied her legs together.

            “Until then!”  Kanonji waved in parting – “Farewell!” – and pranced out the door to parts unknown.

            Once again, Kazui was disappointed.  No explanation?  No detail of what had gone on upstairs?  No inspiring “You can do it too” speech?  Maybe Don Kanonji wasn’t like the other heroes on the tv and movies.

            Well, he just shrugged.  Celebrities weren’t that great after all.  But cartoons were.  He went back to watching, nodding absently to his mom when she told him she’d be upstairs taking a shower.

            Kazui completely missed the evidence of ‘bad spirits’ that dripped from underneath his mom’s skirt and plopped on the floorboards in a puddle of white ectoplasm.

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