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I Feel You	By : KiraDouji Category: Bleach > Het - Male/Female Views: 3885 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-I Feel You
- 1
Title:
I Feel You

Rating: MPAA: PG-13, Fiction Rating: T

Pairing/Character/s: Renji + Byakuya, Byakuya + Hisana

Disclaimer: The author holds no license of nor
makes claims to any of the characters, concepts, or story the above originated
from in any way. The characters are used without permission of the original
creator for the sake of entertainment only. No profit is gained from the
writing found hereafter, nor any personal credit taken
for the character designs, personalities or concepts stemming from the original
story used. All situations below, unless otherwise stated, have no bearing on
the creator�s original work, and are solely the creation of the author based on
personal interpretation of the above mentioned works or are parodies exempted
from copyright laws. It is the responsibility of the reader to observe all
warnings before proceeding to the fiction below, as it may contain any number
of situations, themes, ideas, views, or lifestyles not suitable for those under
the age of 18 or which may be contrary or offensive to the beliefs of some. In
the event that the following is the author�s original work, or contains an
original character, the author holds the copy write and should be contacted
before either is used or distributed in any way. All questions and comments
concerning the written work or otherwise can be made directly to the author.

Warning/s: Spoilers
for the Bleach manga from chapter 140 on, the Bleach
anime episode 51 and up.

Word Count: 4,059

Summary: Sequel / Companion Piece to
"Ban Kai". Kuchiki Byakuya doesn't like rain.

Author�s Note: The title of this story is based off the lyrics to
DJ Encore's "Out There", found here.

It's an excellent and really sad song, and it's what I had on repeat throughout
the entire time it took me to write this. I highly suggest listening to it
while you read: it really sets the tone. Additionally, I want to thank peroxidepest17 for
all the drabbles she's written, more specifically, her story On The Next Go Around which really inspired this Byakuya angstfest.

I Feel You

�Nearly all marriages, even
happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect
world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both
partners might be found more suitable mates.

But the real soul-mate is the one you
are actually married to.�

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Night
draped herself across the breadth of Soul Society like a lover gently twining
with her companion. The earth and sky came together in a slow embrace which
spread the warm colors of sunset across the land before finally resting
together in darkness. A gentle, yet warm wind blew through the cooling branches
of sakura trees having already reached their prime, dropping petals to glide
through the air and dust the ground. Leaves of trimmed bushes shifted slightly
under the wind�s guidance, pushing against each other to create a soft
rustling.

Illuminated
in the moon�s muted light, a man stood observing the pleasant scenery. His
outer robe billowed slightly from the breeze, and seemed to glow faintly white
in the low lighting. Three atramentous locks of hair spilt across his vision
from the confining forms of the white kenseikan. The hair adornments shown
brilliantly in the half light of the hidden moon as if trying to counteract the
starless night shielded by darkening clouds. Moisture clung to the air densely,
making the cloth of each layer of robes seem far heavier than it was. There was
no doubt that tomorrow would be filled with the steady reverberation of rain
hitting every surface it could touch.

Kuchiki
Byakuya hated that sound. He walked the sakura-strewn paths of his private
garden with the foreboding knowledge that when he awoke in a few hours he would
be pelted with that noise as surely as the rain itself would strike him. Rain
reminded him of tears. Tears reminded him of her. Even after fifty years the
image of his wife lying lifelessly on the futon trying so desperately to smile
at him caused something in his chest to tighten; reminded him that he was still
here, and that he still had a heart to know the feeling of loneliness no matter
what lengths he�d gone through to bury it.

Walking
quietly through the sakura trees reminded him of her as well, but he did it
nearly every night. Each light reflected in the pond shown like her eyes when
they sat outside together. The gentle
caress of night let him reminiscence about her touch and smile, which were
neither hot nor radiant, but cool and subdued. It let him remember why those
five years meant so much to him. And, after everything that happened, his
nightly strolls let him think without fear of anyone discovering his thoughts.

The
atmosphere filled and surrounded him, carefully unwinding his mind until each
thought could be looked at for what it was and not what he thought it should
be. It had started with the oaths he�d made upon her death, both now shattered
by his own hand. He unfurled each pledge as he walked, discovering each reason
as he rediscovered every angle of his garden night after night. From there, it
had extended more directly to Hisana, to his family, and to himself. Trusting
in something else to tell him how he should feel and act had been so simple;
turning to something that had always been there was easy. It wasn�t until
Rukia�s near execution, until the true depth of the system�s corruption was
shown, that he could look upon that code and see the imperfect creatures that
had made it.

~*~

Renji
limped into the Sixth Division�s main offices looking like something the cat
dragged in. Long strands of bright red hair plastered itself in any and all
directions to his clothing, face and neck. His robes were sticking to him even
as the water-logged clothing hung off him and dripped water on to the tatami
floor. Each step he took resulted in a squelching noise caused by more water
spitting out of his socks and the bottom of his sandals. Zabimaru was clenched
tightly in his left hand, the remains of its strap dangling from the top of the
scabbard.

Byakuya
took the scene in slowly as his frowning, grumbling lieutenant carefully
squished his way across the floor. �Abarai-fukutaichou,� he began in an
admonishing tone.

�Yeah, I
know I look like shit,� the red head interrupted, favoring his left leg while
setting his sword down at his desk.

�Renji,�
Byakuya tried again, a warning now in his voice, but was again interrupted.

�I know,
taichou, I�ll clean it up,� his vice-captain growled and sat down with a watery
thump. It wasn�t until he moved to remove his shoes that the large slash in his
pants became apparent.

Byakuya set
down the brush he�d been using to write with and stood. �Not until you see to
that injury,� he stated calmly while walking to a closet at the opposite end of
the room. �What happened?�

Renji
paused in wringing out his adjunct sash, watching his captain open the closet
and pull out a small box. He sighed and started undoing the ties of his new
robe. �It�s raining so hard you can�t see your own hand. Kenpachi-taichou was
on my ass again, so I was running too fast. Careened into a construction zone
an� the bastard just thought it was the funniest thing. I�m sure all of
eleventh knows by now.� The robe was folded sloppily and put on top of his
shoes and adjunct sash. He shivered, but shook it off and gathered up his hair
to wring it out. �Happened on th� way back, though, so you don�t have to worry
or anything.�

�Dry off,�
the elder replied holding out a towel presumably gotten from the half opened
box. Renji blinked slightly, but took the towel and set it next to him in order
to remove his soaked shirt. That done, he set about drying himself off as best
as he could. Byakuya sat down nearby, placing the box down and opening it
completely. He pulled out a few different containers and a long strip of cloth.
�After being healed as quickly as you were yesterday, you need to be more
careful about avoiding further injuries. Otherwise the damage will compound
even if you were fully healed.�

�� Oh.�
Renji couldn�t really think of anything else to say. His captain was talking as
emotionlessly as normal, but was at the same time quite calmly administering
medical care. The whole scene felt rather surreal already, but even as he
watched the noble methodically cut open his pant leg a little more and start
cleaning the gash in his leg, Renji thought he noticed a touch of exhaustion in
the normally stoic features. He frowned, wondering how or even if he should
address it. �Ah, taichou��

�Bend your
leg.�

Blink. �Er,
what?� Renji stumbled, not prepared for his captain to start talking again.

�Bend your
leg,� Byakuya repeated evenly, as he reached for another container of ointment.

�Oh. Yeah,
sure�� Renji pulled his left foot in a little to bend his leg, but only by a
small amount. �Anyway, taichou, I was thinking� None of the other squads are
out today, maybe we should turn in early?�

Byakuya
glanced up then, but only briefly, his gaze sharp. �You want to turn in because
of a small injury like this?�

Renji bit
back a return jibe and settled for a short glare. �I just thought that since I
have nothing else to do, and they aren�t sending updates anymore because of the
rain� that there�s no real reason for us to be here, you know?�

�You have
no paperwork?� His captain replied skeptically.

�Well, no,
not really,� he answered, rubbing the bridge of his nose in an unconscious
nervous gesture. �I ran down to headquarters after dinner yesterday to get a
new uniform, and thought I might as well pick up the work I missed while I was
there.�

Byakuya
paused with only one loop of bandage around the wound, but quickly started
again before his adjunct could notice. Abarai Renji had� worked on his day off?
He had thought that the man�s doggedness applied only to things he was
explicitly determined to do. Then again, he thought, Renji had always been
driving to surpass him: perhaps that didn�t just apply to the battlefield.
�Then once you clean up, you can leave.�

Renji
sighed and set his right elbow on his knee, so he could lean on that hand and
watch his captain work. �I didn�t just mean me, taichou. Don�t you want to get
out of this gloomy office?�

Yes, he did
want to get out of this place that did nothing but echo the most dreadful noise
he�d ever heard endlessly until he resonated with it. But, then, where would he
go: home? What was there other than lonely corridors and whispers of what used
to be; other than the cold, the pain, and emptiness? �I have paperwork to
finish,� he answered, pulling the cloth tight and fastening it in place. He sat
back to re-pack the box.

�Can I help
with any of it?� Renji asked impulsively, watching his captain as he closed the
box and stood once more.

�If you
could, it would have been distributed to you,� Byakuya answered detachedly. He
walked back to the closet and returned the box.

There was a
hint of� something in the noble�s voice. That there was any emotion aside from
disdain there was startling, but this particular something stuck out, because,
just for a second, Kuchiki Byakuya had sounded tired. Not the simple tired of
being overworked or missing a night of sleep. Rather, it was deep and worn,
like it had been there for some time and had just gone unnoticed. �Well, it
shouldn�t take you that long anyway, but I�ll stick around in case you need
something,� Renji eventually answered.

Byakuya looked
up as he sat down at his desk again. �Right now, I need to have the floor
cleaned.�

Renji
grinned and sat back, ��course, taichou.�

~*~

Byakuya
slid the door shut quietly, and locked it before turning back around. The rain
was still pouring, but the walkways were covered for a good length in each
direction, so nothing immediate was drenched just yet. The air had cooled off
considerably since that morning and even though he had finished early, it was
still darker out. But it was the continuous noise more than any of these things
that convinced him to visit her spot. It wasn�t until a few minutes into his
walk that the nobleman realized just how deeply rooted in the past his thoughts
had become.

�Don�t you
live in the other direction, Renji?�

If his
lieutenant had noticed his previous lack of awareness, he didn�t comment on it.
Zabimaru was slung across his shoulders again, half hidden by still damp red
hair, which he shifted slightly when he turned his head to answer.
�Headquarters is this way.�

A slim
black eyebrow arched. �Starting early again?�

Renji
chuckled and shook his head, �Need to pick up another set of pants.� He
gestured pointedly to the recent, open rip on his left pant leg which was wide
enough to see a hint of his bandaged leg through.

Byakuya
nodded idly and returned his attention to his walk. As they reached the end of
the covered walkway, the road forked: the left would lead on to the center of
the Court while the right led off towards the wall and isolated gardens.
Without a thought, Byakuya turned right and continued on. The sound of watery
footsteps aside from his own made him pause along his path and turn to his
left. The rain pelted him as he stood, looking at the now equally drenched form
of his vice-captain standing just a couple feet behind him.

�Weren�t
you headed to headquarters?� He asked pointedly.

�Weren�t
you headed home?� Renji replied, though the tone of his voice indicated that
he�d already known the other man had never intended to do so. There was no
smile now, just a somber expression magnified by the sigh that came next.
�Aren�t you tired of walking alone, taichou?�

�I do not
recall asking you to join me,� Byakuya answered and spun around, continuing
along the path he�d chosen.

�I think
you�ve gotten too used to being alone,� Renji argued as he followed his captain
farther down the road. The man in front of him kept walking, but he noticed the
way the shoulders were set straighter: tense, defensive. Well, if that didn�t
work, then more drastic measures would be taken. �You know, if she was anything
like Rukia, she�d probably punch you for the way you�re acting.�

In an
instant, the air became harsh and dense: filling with the suffocating force of Kuchiki
Byakuya�s spiritual energy. Renji nearly choked at the sudden change and
stumbled, trying to catch his balance. It was a silent, but forceful command to
be quiet and leave before he regretted it. Unfortunately, Renji�s survival
instinct was being steadfastly ignored at the moment. He took a steadying
breath and maintained his place, already having grown used to his captain�s
oppressive aura.

�I�m not
going to run away, taichou. If you want me to leave, you�ll have to remove me.�

There was a
long, tense minute in which neither moved. Then, slowly, the spirit force
lifted and the air returned to normal. Byakuya neither turned around nor
addressed him, choosing instead to resume his walk. Renji waited a moment, just
to be safe, and then hurried after his captain, falling into step beside him
again.

Silence
reigned as the pair walked on, down the winding path which had already been
drowned in half an inch of water. Dingy sakura petals floated by as the rain
pelted the soft ground to each side and the hard tile underfoot. There was a
low rumble of thunder as the clouds shifted and a gust of wind blew by. It was
as if the whole sky had ripped open under the strain of some unseen flood soon
to manifest within the borders of Soul Society. Other than the constant
pounding sensation and never-ending background noise neither shinigami really
took note of the dismal surroundings: one focused on a far away past and
another on an all too real present.

It was
quite a few minutes before the captain of the Sixth Division stopped abruptly
in the middle of the path, gazing off at something to his right. Renji was so
startled by the sudden halt, that he nearly asked what was wrong before
catching the way in which his companion was watching their surroundings. Really,
he�d been expecting something more obvious: perhaps a bench or statue of some
kind to mark the area. But the only notable piece near them was a large sakura
tree whose branches had already been stripped of blossoms by the storm. Still,
there was no doubt in his mind that every minuscule detail of this very spot
was etched into his captain�s mind. So, for a long while, he just stood next to
him in silence, fighting off the chill trying to set into his bones.

�Why did
you follow me, Renji?�

The softly
spoken words snapped him out of the trance he�d settled into. Renji shifted his
gaze to catch the one focused on him. ��cuz you didn�t want me to.� The gaze
turned mildly irritated and almost turned from him before he added, �I told you
before, Taichou. You�re so used to being alone. You don�t need to be.� Renji
cast his eyes upwards at the dark sky pelting them with water.

�I know she
meant a lot to you, and �m not going to say I
understand what it feels like to lose someone like that. But I remember how
scared I was when I thought I was going to lose Rukia after we�d already lost
the rest of our family� and I think that terrified me more than anything else.
I used to think it was because I loved her too much to let her go� but really
I� I was just afraid of being alone.� He looked back down, self-consciously
avoiding his captain�s stare.

�So I just�
couldn�t let ya� come here by yourself. I mean, you
don�t have anything to be afraid of, but in a way that�s worse, isn�t it?�
Renji gave a nervous, half-chuckle and hazarded a glance at the man next to
him. �Because� she really isn�t here anymore.�

Byakuya
considered his lieutenant silently for a long moment. He knew, then, that
something had changed. There was something fundamental that, over the course of
the last fifty years, had built up around him: something that, during only the
last few months, had first cracked and then crumbled entirely. �She could never
return my love,� he found himself saying suddenly with a sad, faint smile as he
recalled the many times he�d tried so hard to gain it from her. Renji had a
strange sort of confused expression at the comment, or perhaps the way he�d
given it. �But for the five years we were together, she tried. Hisana was
always grateful for what I gave her. And each time I saw her content� I was
content as well, but� we were never in love� I always regretted not having more
time to remedy that.�

Renji stood
for a moment in hesitation. Eventually, he settled on repeating the same, faint
smile Byakuya had given him, though it was softer and less bitter than the one
he�d witnessed. He brushed his hand against his captain�s arm in a friendly,
but oddly comforting gesture and said only, �We should head in, Taichou.�

A regal nod
answered him and blue eyes closed for an instant before the noble turned away
from the scenery. For the first and last time, Kuchiki Byakuya bade the
haunting memories of a muted love farewell. This time, the walk home was
bearable.

~*~

Steam
slowly gathered in the room, a welcome counter to the cool mist accompanying
the rain outside. Renji closed the door to the bath area to keep the heat in
and continued removing the rest of his rain soaked uniform in the outer room.
He paused on the last article of clothing, eyeing the tear in it and with a
sigh plopped it in with the rest. Since he hadn�t ended up visiting
headquarters, he�d have to mend the pants sometime before work tomorrow. The
sound of wood scraping tile accompanied him as he dragged a low stool over to
the other end of the room and sat down to scrub himself before bathing.

-

Fire light
cast flickering shadows along the wooden walls of the small room. It was empty,
save for a low table squatting against the far wall, set fully though cleanly
with a long scroll of paper and various brushes and inks stationed precisely
along the top. Byakuya sat at the desk, brush in hand, carefully writing each
character on the scroll with effortless precision. His posture was straight,
with his legs tucked under in a proper seiza. Despite this, the Kuchiki heir
was at ease: each stroke of the brush soothing his mind and allowing him a
moment of peace.

-

Renji
sighed as he slid into the steaming hot water of his bathtub, ignoring the dull
throb that came from the gash in his left leg. The bath was soothing to his
cold, sore body. He lay back, stretching out as much as he could in the deep
tub. As he stayed there, letting the water buoy his frame just a bit, he closed
his eyes and let his thoughts drift. It had been a long time since slowed down
enough to allow his mind to wander, and now he found it perusing his more
recent memories.

He hadn�t
actually seen Rukia much since the incident that left the Court of Pure Souls
low on captains and high on construction and repair. Renji frowned a bit,
thinking of how intent he�d been to improve himself since then. So much so,
that he hadn�t even seen the very person he�d be striving to improve for. He�d
caught glimpses of her small form, sometimes accompanied by Captain Ukitake,
sometimes bustling around to help like everyone else. It felt good to see her
smile again.

As his
thoughts hovered around the pleasant memories, he felt them drift to even more
recent events. Renji didn�t want to know how or why thinking of Rukia
inevitably led him to her brother. Instead, he recalled the way his captain had
been staring out at the small area off the path. The normally so cold blue eyes
had been fixated on something that Byakuya had actually wanted to see. Usually,
the nobleman�s gaze was cold and piercing or distant and uncaring. He never
seemed interested in anything around him, but just a short time ago, Renji was
certain he�d seen an expression very close to longing on the man�s face. He
found himself wondering, however briefly, if Kuchiki Byakuya could ever express
feelings that weren�t quite so dismal.

-

The brush
stopped suddenly, hovering in-between a finished stroke and the beginning of
another. The firelight warming Byakuya�s back had glinted off something to his
left, drawing his gaze across the room to his neatly folded, pristine white
scarf. He set the brush down, considering it. Although he was usually very
meticulous with keeping the precious material brilliantly clean, there had been
one time when it was covered in darkening splotches of red and gathering dirt
as it laid over a soon to be corpse. He�d thought of it as a parting gift to
his vice-captain: a sign of the begrudging respect that grew from seeing how
much the man had managed to accomplish.

He could
still remember how Renji had so gruffly shoved it back to him one day perhaps
two weeks later. Now that he thought about it, it wasn�t all that long ago. At
first it had been hard to think of Renji finding the scarf again and spending
the enormous amount of time it must�ve taken to clean the expensive fabric.
After dinner in his lieutenant�s home, though, it wasn�t nearly has difficult
to imagine. He wondered now, just as he did then, what had made Renji decide to
clean and return it.

Byakuya
turned back to his desk and stared blankly at the scroll he�d been writing.
After a moment, he carefully rolled up the long strip of paper and elegantly
tied it shut. He pulled out a small piece of rice paper and selected a smaller
brush.

~*~

The captain
of the Sixth Division didn�t look up when his lieutenant walked in that
morning. He set his brush down and opened the small box on his desk,
withdrawing a stamp from it. He didn�t look up when Renji issued him a,
��moring, taichou,� nor when he returned the greeting. The stamp was placed
firmly on the bottom of document he�d finished and pulled away to reveal the
graceful arches of his personal mon. And he certainly wasn�t watching when his
vice-captain paused half way through sitting down upon noticing the simply
lacquered box resting on his low desk.

Renji
finally sat on the tatami mats with a soft �thump�, regarding the box on his
desk curiously. It certainly wasn�t like anything the headquarters sent out:
the wood was too fine and the black lacquer shone too brilliantly not to be
expensive and well cared for. What the hell was something like this doing on
his desk? He leaned forward, noticing a simple design painted on the top in
red. It seemed familiar, but he couldn�t immediately place it. Belatedly, he
also noted a carefully folded piece of paper sitting primly on top of the box.

He picked
it up. It felt like rice paper. With somewhat of a thoughtful frown, Renji
finally unfolded the paper. There was only one word written in the middle of
the page: �Thank you.� Renji blinked and looked down at the box again. He set
the paper down and, using both hands, carefully lifted the delicate top,
setting it beside the box. The white material immediately registered, and so,
finally, did the image on the top of the box: the Kuchiki family mon.

Renji
looked up sharply, gaze warily on the only other man in the room. �� Taichou?�

Byakuya
didn�t look up as he folded a piece of paper. �I�d appreciate it if you kept it
this time, Renji.�
- 1
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I Feel You