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A Shadow of What Was	By : katami Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 49594 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 92
- 93
- 94
Author's Notes: I am moved. And can I just say moving sucks! I mean I hate it. I still know where nothing is and navigating my new home range requires all my google-fu. On the plus side, my new apartment is fairly nice and my new job is loads better than my old. Woot for jobs that actually pay and management that does not yell or stick their noses into how we do our jobs every two minutes!

Another chapter with my favorite fox because Gin has a destiny. As always reviews are appreciated and ten points if you can recognize the quote.
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The children's laughter washed over him, warm and joyous, drawing a smile to his lips almost against his will. Gin stared at the playing children, running around the playground and laughing merrily. He tried to remember if he had ever laughed like that. He didn't think so. Life in the Rukongai didn't have much to laugh about and children grew up fast - not like the cosseted youngsters frolicking in the fall sunshine on the playground. For a moment he wondered what it was like to be so young.

There had been little laughter in his life before Rangiku, little real laughter anyway. It was she who had brought sunshine and joy to his world. She had still remembered how to laugh and how to trust - and she had taught him. Rangiku had still been able to find joy in the world and through her, he had caught a glimpse of hope's reflection. Even that hollow, half image, caught second hand had been enough for him though. For a child without hope, even the whispered promise that life was more than merely surviving was a gift beyond compare.

A flash of gold at the edge of the sand drew his eyes to where a little girl who couldn't have been more than six played with a little boy. She was smiling, a blinding smile filled with light, and Gin recognized the slightly baffled look on the boy's face as one he had worn so many times with Matsumoto. It was the look of someone who knew he had stumbled on something wondrous and wasn't quite sure what to do with it. He wanted to tell the boy to grab onto it and never let go, that being able to keep that smile was worth any cost.

Gin sighed, the sunlight looked warm and inviting and the simple pleasure of the children's laughter was drugging. He wondered if he dared step into the sun, he tended to burn easily and if he appeared in Las Noches sporting a tan or sunburn Aizen would be sure to notice. Which would lead to all sorts of awkward questions, which would lead to him experiencing very large amounts of pain until he had woven together a lie that satisfied Aizen - because the older man would never believe that he had just come to stand in the warm sunshine and watch a bunch of human children play.

And he hadn't.

He had come to stand in the warm sunshine and watch children play and torture himself with how things might have been. What it might have been like if he had chosen Matsumoto and Kira instead of Aizen. Or if he had told someone about Aizen rather than going along quietly with his plans. Both ideas were no more than pipe dreams of course. He wouldn't have known how to leave Aizen even if he could. There was a human movie that said it best, 'How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?'

Leaving Aizen Sousuke was very much like shooting the devil in the back, you had only one chance. And the price of failure was not worth considering.... That was why he stayed; because while he hated to stay, he was even more scared to go.

Some tiny part of him would always be that young man Aizen had beaten and raped in that alley, unable to fight back, unable to say no. No matter how old he was or how strong he got, a part of him had never left that alley and it was that part that had frozen his hand. The Rukongai made them hard, but it made them independent, hesitant to trust and not willing to open up or admit weakness. Aizen had chosen well when he picked him to be his right hand - someone powerful enough to make captain, yet someone that he could dominate and who would never open his mouth to what had been done.

He shivered and stepped into the sunlight, wanting the warmth, wanting to wash the chill of Hueco Mundo from his skin and capture just a tiny fraction of something pure and good. Sunlight washed over him and his eyes slid closed as he raised his face to the sun. A faint breeze kissed his skin and the former Shinigami sighed in quiet pleasure, holding out his arms as Matsumoto had used to do. He had never understood how she could take such joy from standing in the sun, her arms raised in welcome, and turning in a slow circle; but he had to admit there was a certain appeal to the abandon it seemed to imply.

He blinked when he felt a soft tug on his hakama, glancing down to see the little blonde haired girl offering him a flower. It was just a dandelion, but there was something so sweet about the gesture. He gave the girl a small, real smile and knelt to take the flower from her cubby little fingers. "Thank you, little one," he murmured, a frown coming to his lips as the little girl stiffened. A moment later he felt the cool kiss of steel against his neck and the child was staring behind him with fear and horror.

"Hisagi-san," he murmured quietly, recognizing the subtle texture of the younger man's reiatsu as it unwound slightly.

"It's all right, little one," he told the girl, giving her a bright smile that hid his eyes. "Hisagi-kun and I are old friends. Why don't you go play with your friend while I talk to mine? And next time I'll bring you a flower," he promise, tucking the dandelion into his obi for safe keeping. Not that he thought he would be keeping either it or his head for very long.

He stood slowly, not wanting to antagonize Hisagi, breathing a tiny sigh of relief when the other man removed his sword from his throat - although Hisagi didn't resheathe the blade. Suddenly leaving Shinso back in Las Noches seemed very foolish. He hadn't wanted to draw attention to himself though, and it wasn't like he needed his zanpakutou to go stand in a park. Shinso would have only whispered his own doubts back at him and he didn't need that. Now though...

To die without a sword in his hand, it rankled something deep inside him. Even if he had been cut down in Hueco Mundo at least he would have died like a warrior, like a captain, but to be cut down in the park on a sunny afternoon without even a blade in his hand...

"Step away," murmured Shuuhei quietly, subtly steering him toward the tree line and the shadows. There was darkness in the younger man's eyes, shadows of things he would rather not have seen and truths he would rather not have known. He was older, more jaded and carried himself with an air of authority now. Gin knew he had made captain, but Shuuhei seemed to be carrying more than the weight of his office on his shoulders.

They stepped out of sight and the silver haired man sighed softly, turning to face the young Shinigami. "I should kill you where you stand," grumbled Shuuhei, sounding young and petulant and miserable. Even more amazingly, he looked it.

"Should?" ventured Gin softly, a hint of a question creeping into his voice.

"They would never forgive me," murmured Shuuhei, hazel eyes meeting gold, filled with sadness and resentment. For a moment they stared at one another and then somehow, silently, an accord seemed to be reached. Gin watched in confused fascination as the younger man sheathed his sword and stared at him wearily for a moment.

"Are...Are they alright?" he asked quietly, almost afraid to know. He could imagine them happy and well without him, and wasn't quite sure he was willing to give that up for the truth. In Gin's experience there was usually very little comforting or cheering about the truth - it was usually stark, cold, and hard.

"They miss the man they thought they knew." The rebuke was delivered in a mild tone that made it all the sharper and Gin gripped his arms to try and ward off the sting. He had known that his loved ones would most likely hate him and hold him in contempt for what he had done; but it was still hard to hear it. Some tiny part of him wanted them to understand, to realized that he was protecting them as best he could, in the only way he could.

"And yet you don't kill me."

"As I said, they would never forgive me." Shuuhei seemed to be studying him, looking for something. "I've heard...there are rumors, since the Arrancar came, about what Aizen allows," whispered the young captain looking awkward and almost embarrassed, like he wasn't sure how to ask and was even less sure he wanted the answer.

Gin felt a hollow smile quirk his lips. "Likely all true and all underplayed," he admitted lightly with a shrug, trying to pretend it didn't matter, trying to pretend that the next leap of logic wouldn't bring out the truth...and then the inevitable question. The one he could never quite answer:

"Why do you stay with him? Why go at all?"

He gave the younger man a mournful look, "You served under Tousen. And you saw what Aizen did to Hinamori, would you really want Kira in his grasp? Or Matsumoto?" He watched as Shuuhei flinched, something accusing in those hazel eyes, something that drew a tiny shrug from him. Yes, he had sacrificed Momo for Kira.

He had done it and he would do it again without a second thought.

"As for why," he turned away from the other man, eyes staring into that far off past that only he could see, "there was never any choice not to go. Not for me. He would have killed everything that mattered to me and dragged me along anyway if I tried to stay."

"You can't..." began Shuuhei.

"He did before," snapped Gin, whipping around to face the younger man. "Do you think a Rukongai rat drops to his knees for just anyone with a pleasant smile and few coins? Maybe in the higher wards, but in the 80th if you give in to one person you are fair game for everyone. Meat to anyone who can take you," snarled the former captain, his eyes flashing with fury.

He saw Hisagi's eyes widen in shock and horror and felt the rage flow out of him. He had made peace with his choice centuries ago, because when it came to Rangiku's life there was no choice. "I was only raped once, Shuuhei-kun, but that once was enough to convince me of the nature of the devil I was dealing with."

Gin felt a flicker of cold against his senses and flinched. "I have to go. If I don't he'll come looking for me, and Aizen Sosuke finding us together would be a very bad thing for both of us, Shuuhei-kun" he explained to override the protest he knew Shuuhei would try and make. He saw reason war with duty and love in those hazel eyes and watched as comprehension slowly filled them.

A tiny nod was all he received, but it was enough. He turned to go, pausing for the barest instant to whisper softly, "Protect them? Please." Shuuhei gave him a tiny nod, his face heavy.

Gin slipped back into Las Noches easily, stepping from his gate through a doorway, as if he was simply emerging from his room. "There you are." The brisk tone cut across his senses and he would have flinched if he hadn't known it would drawn attention and be taken as weakness.

"Hurry. We haven't much time," ordered Aizen.

"Something up, Aizen-sama?" he asked, falling into step behind the older man, a bright grin hiding everything but not quite reaching his eyes..

"We're going to be visiting an old friend for dinner."
- 92
- 93
- 94
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A Shadow of What Was