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Pride	By : honeyMellon Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male > Renji/Shuuhei Views: 888 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: No underaged beings, humans or otherwise, are involved in this work of fiction. Bleach and all its characters belong to Kubo Tite, I just "expand" them for fun. I do not make any profit from these work of fiction.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
As Renji comes to terms with the meaning behind his captain's behavior, Byakuya has to face himself...

Chapter 9

Byakuya stared at his fingers, which he had laid out gracefully on the blanket over his lap. He was sitting up in his bed, his back propped up by soft pillows. Five days ago, those very fingers had gone places where he never imagined they would ever go. Sure, it wasn't anywhere that he hadn't secretly thought of, but he was absolutely mortified that he had actually done it.
Over the past few days he slowly regained his strength and mind. Servants came and went with cups of some sort of herbal concoction which Unohana Retsu said would cleanse the serum from his system. Unfortunately for him, even though he wasn't in full control of his own behavior in his drugged condition, memories of what had transpired during that time remained crystal clear in his mind.
For the first time in Byakuya's memory, Kurotsuchi-taicho, the one man in Seireitei who was even colder than Byakuya himself, had actually graced the Kuchiki mansion with his presence. The eccentric man was horrified that Byakuya had nearly died from the serum he'd invented. Killing off a few unknown test subjects here and there was one thing, but to kill the head of the highest-ranking noble family in all of Soul Society? Even the mad scientist knew what kind of consequences that would bring.
While Kurotsuchi was there, he had elaborated on the facts surrounding the truth serum. The vial that was dropped on the Kuchiki grounds, being the very last vial, had contained a concentrated dose. If anyone of less caliber had consumed the amount of the drug which Byakuya had, the person would have gone stark raving mad and die within two days. As it was, it had taken weeks of constant consumption of the contaminated water for Byakuya to feel the effects of the serum. Once he stopped drinking the drug-laced water, he began to show signs of improvement within two days, but he still felt a little light-headed. Unohana-taicho warned that it would be weeks before he fully recovered.
Byakuya continued to sit in silence, pondering the future of the relationship between him and his vice captain. Now that he had regained more control over his emotions, he could not believe that just a few days ago he had been so torn up over the man. As he reflected on what happened, he had grudgingly admitted to himself that he did, in fact, harbor feelings for his subordinate. All this while, he had simply chosen to ignore it, but this bloody drug had dragged his deepest darkest desire to the surface and cruelly exposed it. Now he had no choice but to face it. He clenched his fist in frustration.
Just then, a soft knock came from the door. Thinking it was one of his servants, he asked the person to come in. The door slowly swung open, and standing there at the doorway, was the very person he was dreading to face.

Ever since he learned the truth behind his captain's condition, Renji had been debating what to do. After Unohana-taicho's explanation, it was clear that Byakuya's bizarre behavior had stemmed from—hard as it was to believe—seemingly suppressed feelings for Renji. Renji was stunned, but what else could have triggered the 6th squad captain's attack and...touches? But he was not surprised at all that the man never said a thing. Why would he bother to, since such a relationship would be impossible. Even if Renji did return his feelings, the Kuchiki elders would never condone it.
In the end, he decided to see Byakuya. With his personality, Renji hated to leave things hanging like this for too long. He wasn't looking forward to this particular conversation with his captain, but it was not something the two of them can avoid forever. And it's not like this was the first time they had an awkward conversation anyway. Back when Byakuya was recovering from the injury he'd sustained while protecting Rukia, Renji also had a similar talk with him. Well, would have had a similar talk, if that idiot Ichigo had not barged in suddenly.
When he saw the stricken look on Byakuya's face, he knew that the man didn't want to see him. Renji wasn't at all surprised; he could not even begin to imagine what this incident had done to the man's pride. Renji knew that he himself would feel humiliated if he had been in Byakuya's shoes, and hell, he didn't even have a reputation to uphold.
"Taicho," Renji said after a bow. He could tell that his captain was making a supreme effort at maintaining direct eye contact because he could see those steel grey orbs waver slightly. He decided to be blunt, since no matter what, this was going to be one-hell-of-an awkward conversation anyway. "I understand what happened, and I just want to tell you that I hold you at the same level of regard as I always have. Something like this would never make me respect you any less than before."
As soon as those words left his mouth, he saw Byakuya's tense shoulders immediately relax. Even so, his captain's face remained expressionless, looking exactly like the Kuchiki Byakuya Renji was familiar with.
"I appreciate your kindness, Abarai-fukutaicho," Byakuya said finally, bowing his head slightly as a sign of gratitude. He hesitated for a few seconds, then continued, "I apologize for...for what I did to you." When Renji remained silent, Byakuya cleared his throat. "Since you said that you understand what happened, you must know what fueled my...behavior."
The redhead was surprised at his captain's bluntness. He'd been wondering how to approach this subject, thinking that Byakuya would never bring it up himself, being the proud man he was.
His captain must've noticed the surprise on Renji's face, because he gave a tiny smile and indicated with his hand for Renji to sit down. As the redhead pulled up a chair next to the bed, Byakuya said, "This drug...there's still some in my body."
Renji cocked his head to the side, unsure of what Byakuya meant by this. Then he abruptly sat up straight as he realized what his captain was trying to say. As Unohana-taicho had explained earlier, the truth serum, while not functioning exactly the way Kurotsuchi-taicho had intended it to, was still a potent chemical with the main purpose of lowering one's inhibition. In other words, as long as there was traces of this drug in Byakuya's system, he would have less control over his emotions, hence more likely to be...chattier. Renji's heart raced. His captain wasn't going to confess now, was he? He thought in alarm. Shit.
Byakuya raised an eyebrow when he saw his vice captain's eyes widen. "Do not worry," he said, turning away from Renji. He knew that it was now or never. Once he returned to normal, he could never ever bring himself to discuss this again. "I'm not asking anything from you, Abarai."
The redhead remained still, unsure how to respond.
After a pause, Byakuya turned around to face Renji. "What I feel, while exaggerated by this drug...is indeed true. But..." He held up a hand to silence Renji, who had opened his mouth to say something. "But please understand that I have absolutely no intention to pursue it. You should feel no obligation to take any action regarding my...feelings." Renji was surprised to see a slight blush on his captain's face.
"Taicho..." Renji mumbled. What was he supposed to say? Thank you? But he did feel relieved, because he had no idea how to...reject...his captain. How does one simply reject the great Kuchiki Byakuya? He knew a lot of people who would kill to be in his position, to be loved by Byakuya. But certainly not him. His heart was already claimed.
"I have not felt this way since Hisana left," Byakuya said wistfully after another long pause. His voice was low, and he seemed to have sunk even further into the pillows.
Renji looked down at his own hands. To hear his captain express his thoughts like this was strange, but it definitely made the man more...human. In a way, this was actually endearing. And to hear that he was the first person since the captain's late wife to stir such emotions in the man was...touching, for lack of a better word. Hell, he felt honored.
"Taicho..." Renji said tentatively, watching his captain's expression. "If...if it means anything, I'm very flattered."
Byakuya looked at his vice captain with a start. He would never admit it, but in an odd way those simple words did mean something. He knew that Renji would never say something like just out of pity to console him. He had expected the man to be disgusted, to be angry, to judge him for his actions... But this person sitting next to him right now was anything but. And for that Byakuya was grateful. After all, he had attacked and molested the man. Heck, if his strong will had not suddenly kicked in when it did, god knows what more he would have done to the redhead. Well, he had an idea, but he'd rather not think about it.
"And thank you, for protecting me in the end. You're the bravest man I've ever known," Renji continued. He saw his captain's mouth curl up ever-so-slightly at the comment.
For a while the two men just sat there in silence. It was a weird sensation, to be able to sit there and actually feel almost comfortable having a conversation with his captain, as if they were just two ordinary men. No barriers to separate them, no fear of judgement, and most of all, no pride to obstruct them.
"Well, I should let you rest," Renji said finally, standing up.
Byakuya nodded. He felt a twinge of sadness. This was it, this was the last time he would be able to bring himself to talk to his vice captain in such a manner. "Abarai, appreciate the freedom you have. Cherish the one by your side." He found himself saying.
Renji smiled. "Thank you. I will, Taicho."
As he watched Renji walk away, Byakuya smiled. It felt strangely good to be able to speak freely of his feelings, even if for a short while. He felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Heh, he had better not get used to this, he chided himself. After all, he did have a reputation to uphold.

Poor Byakuya :'( Am I cruel? :p
Just a bit left...let's not forget that there's another person in this equation...see you next chapter!
- 8
- 9
- 10
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