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Forged Confessions	By : BookMaggot Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male > Ukitake/Shunsui Views: 3963 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: None of Bleach do I own, nor do I make any money, I cannot reap what I not sown, so please do not sue me!

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
EDIT: *head desk* I have got to stop saving several different versions of one story on my computer. *sigh* There's just a small part that I had to edit, because I completely forgot to add it before hand. I am so sorry about that >_< But it's fixed now and the story should flow a little better now :) Sorry again but enjoy!
A/N Phew! This was suppose to be two chapters but I sliced it up and squished it into one. And it was an interesting chapter to write to say the least. It’s a little emotional but I did feel that was needed, at the same time I hope I didn’t drag it out too long though. But I did shorten it quite a bit already.
In the end I just hope I got it down okay, because it is a big turning point in the story >_< As always feel free to let me know what you guys thought of it, I always appreciate constructive criticism :)
Also I wrote this chapter in conjuction with the next two, which means the next updates should be very soon indeed. :)
AND! I finally got around to starting the ‘Review thread’ for FC! Yayness ^_^ Link is at the bottom of the story.
Finding Peace
Retsu Unohana stood by the window of the third floor south wing, gazing out at the gardens below. The Fourth Division Gardens had always been a haven for her, a place of refuge and a small sanctuary in a place otherwise surrounded by despair and death. Usually she would take a stroll through them when the intense pressures of healer and Captain became too much. It was a small pleasure she indulged in from time to time. But unfortunately for her the day she needed her sanctuary the most, she could not indulge them for the Gardens were occupied.
During the few hours Jushiro had been in intensive care she had watched in some surprise as droves of Shinnigami from all seats and divisions came to see the ailing Captain. She had to turn them away of course, his failing health did not permit any visitors, but that hadn’t really deterred them by much.
Some had come in and left only to return a few hours later. Others have remained in the garden since they'd gotten the news, and though at one point she’d wondered what their commanders might say about it the thought had quickly dispersed when the Captains themselves had begun to draw closer. They knew. Every single one of them knew that something was about to happen… good or bad… but it would happen. That thought exhausted her to some extent. The idea of having such power over life and death, only to have it useless at the most crucial time, was heart breaking. And worst of all, down there among all those men and women was an unwavering hope. A brilliant hope and strong belief that, as always Unohana would fix it, that she will bring him back from the brink.
She sighed wearily and rubbed at her temples in the dark corridor, the only source of light spilled in from the window at its very tip, turning her into a silhouette.
It shouldn't be as surprising as it was to realize how important he was to them. Jushiro was a prominent figure in many Shinnigami and souls lives alike, and part of her wondered what should happen if he should slip away. How long would he be remembered and how long would he be mourned? The many people below gave her a good estimate. And though none would say it, though not one of them would ever whisper the words, she knew deep down that some part of them would blame her for his death.
Retsu sighed again. She was not too proud to admit that this time she needed a miracle herself.
“Retsu?”
She turned in surprise, having not sensed nor heard any movement behind her. But the surprise turned to a mix of resent and relief when she came face to face with Shunsui Kyorako. He looked bone tired, his demeanor and energy almost reflecting Jushiro’s perfectly. That did not surprise her.
They stood across from each other both seemingly lost in each others presence. Part of her wanted to walk over to him and smack him upside the head. But the other held back at seeing him so... haggard.
“Where have you been,” she said, not asked.
He looked up when she spoke. His eyes were not hollow, simply lifeless and reflected a burning tiredness. He shook his head softly and then cleared his throat, “I took a wrong turn,” a calloused hand came up to rub at a dried cut on his cheek, “But a friend got me back on track,”
“It’s rare for you to get lost,” she said, steel tones in her words.
"Happens more than you think," He said but did not elaborate.
She wanted to say more but resisted the urge. He was late, he was frazzled, drained and beat up but he was here and for now that's all that mattered.
“Come on,” she said, relenting to the mother inside of her, “I'll take you to him,”
Just as she passed she felt a strong hand halt her gently. She looked up and he stared down at her with worried eyes, “How....” he paused, “How is he?”
She met his gaze steadily, “You can see for yourself,”
He held on and for a moment she was certain he could demand an answer. But the fight had drained out of him, and he nodded before letting his hand drop. She walked past and he fell in step behind her, not saying another word. When they reached the door to Jushiro’s room she stopped, turned around and nodded for him to go in.
Shunsui came to stand in front of her, he seemed uncertain and fidgety, two things she rarely associated with her kohai.
“I'm sorry,” he blurted, keeping his head down. She stared at him stoically, feeling a sense of dread in her soul. It wasn’t the apology that had surprised her but the way he said it. The warrior in her wanted to chide him for being such a fool, for being such a weakling. But the mother in her understood clearly that the apology meant more than it seemed.
She relented, “Shunsui,” she waited until he looked at her again, “I don't know why you feel the need to apologize to me, but am I right in thinking it's really meant for him?”
He hesitated before nodding softly.
“Okay then,” she patted his shoulder, “Go on, he's waiting for you,”
He nodded again, “Thank you,”
Retsu smiled and watched him go in before heading back to the small window. It was close enough should anything happen but part of her was hoping he could be the answer to this. And the other part was silently wishing it wasn’t too late already.
* * *
Shunsui froze in the doorway. On the bed lay what might have been Jushiro. White hair lay splayed across the pillow. Skin once glowing with life seemed sucked dry, shallow and taught. His lips were parched and his breath wheezing. But he lay so still… so very still. The gentle beeping on the heart monitor was the only proof that he was still alive
Shunsui moved closer as if in a daze. His hands shaking and a fear grabbing a hold of his heart. Guilt pushed up in his throat and he felt tears prick his eyes. For this entire time he’d been a stubborn ass, for this whole time he’d avoided him. Had it been worth it? He took in the gaunt cheeks and near death reiatsu.
No, he thought bitterly, you stubborn old fool it hadn’t been.
Slowly he sat down in the chair next to the bed, and as he always did he reached out and took Jushiro’s hand in his own. Despite the cause of his predicament he felt surprisingly cold. The hands were freezing. He sat quietly for a few moments simply taking in the lifeless energy that once held such warmth. Shunsui traced circles on the palm.
“I’m an idiot,” he said and moments later huffs a strangled laugh, “As if we didn’t know that already, right Jushiro?”
He faltered in the face of such a desolate silence only broken by the constant beeping. How was he supposed to approach this? What was he suppose to say? It felt strange to be this lost when his entire life had always been about manipulating conversations to his will. Now here he sat across from a man who was in a coma and he didn’t know what to say. His hand gripped the frail one tighter, only fear and uncertainty was holding him back, the very two emotions that had caused this predicament in the first place.
Shunsui sighed, closed his eyes and waited for the words to come. His brother had always told him that when you were uncertain let the heart speak for you. Jushiro would appreciate honesty more than anything else.
“Whenever I’m this close to losing you” He started in a shaky voice, “it feels as if part of me is dying,”
The heart monitor beeped rhythmically, his throat hitched but he pushed on.
“Every time,” his voice tightened, “No matter what… I feel that should you pass on I’d just wither away,” he smiled sadly, the tears blurring his vision as he felt Jushiro’s dying reiatsu, “There are times when I wonder what would happen should our positions be reversed… you know… do you feel like I do?” he looked at the cold face for a moment. He knew no answer would come.
He lifted a crumpled piece of paper, “According to this you would,” and dropped it on the bed. The ball unfurled, revealing a small part of a confession.
“But this isn’t about that,” he waved his hand nonchalantly, “When you’re hanging on like this it’s not only the fear that comes…” he cleared his throat, “It’s the regret,” soft circles were traced on the cold hand, “After that selfish terror I always feel sorry… as if I owed you and never got around to it. As if my whole life I’d been robbing you of something precious…”
He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest, “I never really understood that feeling, it never made sense or fitted anywhere…” he huffed a dry laugh, “Well never where I tried to fit it,”
Jushiro wheezed softly, and Shunsui squeezed his hand.
“Jushiro, I've realized now why I feel like that,” he smiled but he knew it was empty, “Somehow I had picked up on what you were feeling, and guilt made me feel this because I… I can honestly say that I never thought of you in that way, you were always my go to guy but you were never…” he rubbed his brow, “… never a possible lover, and to tell you the truth I …” he sighed and rubbed his brow, “I’m still not... dammit..."
He was screwing this up. The onetime he needs him to be fearless and he screws it up.
He faltered again and stared at his friend, feeling the sadness and regret almost overwhelm him in that moment, and wanting nothing more than to just bow his head and cry. Kenpachi had said he was holding out for him, that no matter his decision it wouldn’t matter what he said. Thing is, it did matter. It mattered in more ways than he could count, and he knew what would save Jushiro right now, but he didn’t know if he could give him that answer.
Shunsui rubbed his face harshly, almost as if trying rub away the confused and jumbled thoughts. He wanted, no, needed to save Jushiro but…
His eyes drifted to the crumpled piece of paper. That something so small could bring such tragedy, heartache and utter misery was astonishing in some ways. He knew he was responsible in many ways and that he had to fix it somehow. But that feeling of loss and fury he had felt when he’d found that book, that sick combination of fear and disgust was something he couldn’t shake. He swallowed stiffly. He did not have an acceptable answer.
"I'm sorry," he finally choked the words he thought he'd never say, feeling a mix sense of relief and despair, "I am sorry for everything, for reacting the way I did. For picking up that book, for reading it," he closed his eyes, and he could feel hot tears drip onto his hand and silently he brought Jushiro's palm to his face, holding it close "I am sorry for everything. If I hadn't picked up that thing none of this would have happened,"
A tired fury pushed up from his soul. "I would never have read anything, I would never have argued with you, and I would never have known any of this!"
His voice clapped in the small room, the echoes dying away to leave an oppressing silence. He blinked and more tears fell, his death grip on the fragile hand slowly loosening. But he barely registered this, as a strange feeling washed over him.
I would never have known.
He would never have learned how Jushiro felt. He would never have known that his friend loved him like this. And they would have kept going like they always did. And Jushiro would have stayed by his side, and he would have supported him just like he always had, and he would still have been his best friend despite what he yearned for, always on the sidelines and never asking for more.
“And I would never have known.." he breathed, lowering their hands back to the bed.
He looked to his friend. Some part of him felt… saddened by that. Knowing that Jushiro would always still be there but never be able to reach out the way he wanted. Knowing Jushiro would still support him and never want for anything more. And knowing made him think, and thinking made him realize.
In his home he had accused Jushiro of liking him, of wanting him. But it was more than that, wasn’t it? He looked at Jushiro, his pale skin and gaunt cheeks, his white hair and the green eyes he knew were hidden by closed lids. Just the thought of losing them…
He sighed softly.
Yeah, it was more than that…
“Jushiro…” he leaned closer; “I pride myself in knowing what people think and feel, but I always need you to tell me what I’m thinking...” and finally his smile felt genuine, “What I’m trying to say is I-“
The heart monitor flared. The beeping becoming desperate and erratic, an alarm blared in the room and Shunsui felt his heart lodge in his throat. No.
Vaguely above the roar of machines and warnings he felt hands grab him and push him away from Jushiro, his hand ripped loose and he stumbled back. They were bustling around him, Unohana was yelling orders, and her subordinates were following. But this was drowned out by the image of Jushiro so silent amongst the chaos. His body still and quiet and so… at peace.
He backed up and up, until he exited the room, until his back hit the opposing wall, and when he felt the cool cement through his clothing he slid down and sat on the floor. The roars of a dying heart monitor ringing in his ears.
What I’m trying …What I was trying to say…
He sighed, bowed his head and buried his face in the crook of his arm.
It didn't matter anymore.
***
*sigh* I really didn’t anticipate this. It was suppose to be a happy ending for this chapter : but I always try to listen to my story, and it told me in a very serious tone of voice that I needed to add drama or I shall look very foolish…
To that I say “Off with the rats head!”
Which means that if you didn’t like the story, don’t blame the story-teller, take it out on the rat :)
Link for the FC review topic in the Forums:
http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/index.php/topic/47772-review-replies-to-forged-confessions/#entry323009
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Forged Confessions