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Driven to Distraction	By : Raymy Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male > Byakuya/Renji Views: 3768 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or its characters. I received no money for this fan fiction.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
WOWSERS! TicLic, your reviews plastered a big grin on my face for the whole day. I read two before going to bed and then woke up to three more! You’re so sweet for reviewing every chapter.
Chapter 7: Discovery
My eyes followed Renji’s vermilion hair as he disappeared, leaving the bedroom door ajar. Procuring juice from the fridge in the sitting room was a pretense to get away from me. I could see the irritated look on his face when I didn’t comment on his apology. What could I tell him? He wasn’t being pushy, I ... I just didn’t have the right words.
No, that’s only a half truth. The reason I have no words is because I’m not prepared for the fallout of my own confession. I couldn’t share my past lover with him because ... it’s not really my past. I haven’t even come to terms with what I’ve done here. Am I so dishonourable that I would take my pleasure without a thought to the consequences? Am I so impetuous that I let my emotions rule my actions? That is not the man I’ve worked so hard to become. I fear I’ve loosened my code of ethics to the point of immorality.
When I awoke this morning, a heavy weight pressed against my heart. I had confessed my feelings, professed my love and made promises to stay with him. I told him I hoped I would deserve his loyalty. All the while, I knew that I could very well lose him in an instant. If only I could find a way, the right words, maybe he would understand, forgive my carelessness.
Before I could consider any plan to deal with this issue, Renji stormed back into the bedroom and slammed the door, causing my head to jerk up from my train of thought. He looked about, searching the floor and snatched up his pants to put them on.
“What’s wrong, Ren? Are you all right?” I leapt off the bed to go to him.
He held his arm up, hand splayed, stopping me in my tracks. “No. I’m not all right.” His voice was strained, almost angry and ... yes, there was hurt in it. My mind immediately went to that place. He knows. I was struck dumb again, worry supplanting my reason.
He pulled his shirt on, but then he halted and stood with his feet apart; a stance that screamed ready to fight.
“Why is Ukitake Juushiro, or should I say Juu, in your hotel room at the crack of dawn?” he accused. “He’s awake now, no doubt, but when I first went out there, he was sleeping on the sofa. I wasn’t sure who it was in the dim light so I moved toward him. He must have heard me cuz he shifted and a note fell out of his hand. I picked it up, just to put it on the table, and noticed the word Bya.” His voice became softer. “I know I should be sorry for reading it but I couldn’t help myself. I called you Bya. It’s a ... a pet name, you know. An intimate name.” His eyes pleaded with me to tell him it wasn’t, couldn’t possibly be true.
My eyes drifted down, I felt ashamed, somehow. I took notice of the crumpled note held tight in his hand and he caught my glimpse. He opened it, and read it out to me, his voice quavering. “Juu: Sorry I missed you. Left for the hotel with a friend. Use discretion. Bya.” He let it fall to the floor and his shoulders slumped in defeat. I could tell he’d run a hundred things through his mind in the short span since reading the note and confronting me.
“Renji. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” How ineffectual.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His anger returning, he sat on the chair near the door and slipped on his socks and shoes. If he’s dressing again, I’ve run out of time. I must say something to keep him here. The thought of him going left me panicked.
“About him coming to the club? I didn’t want you to think you were interrupting something, which you weren’t. I’ve known you long enough to know that you make assumptions, so I bypassed that possibility.” Oh. Gods. That’s the worst thing I could have said. Act stupid and accuse him to deflect the focus. When did I sink so low?
“I meant that he’s your past lover! Or should I say current lover? Isn’t that why you couldn’t talk about it? Why it was complicated?” He stood there yelling, fully dressed, ready to take flight.
“I...it’s not that simple, Renji. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a way to explain it.” He gave me a skeptical glower, threw his coat on, and backed up slowly, moving his hand behind his back to turn the doorknob. The panic in my voice intensified, “Part of the difficulty is knowing how you’d respond. Am I not right? Look what you’re doing right now! You’re not giving me a chance! You’re halfway out the door!”
Suddenly, his voice lowered, became hard. “It is simple. You knowingly took me to your bed while you had another lover. You didn’t even warn me to allow me a choice!” His hands lifted to his hair, fingers pushing through roughly and clenching a fistful tightly. He took a shaky breath and with eyes screwed shut he whimpered, “You said all those personal things to me. Made me feel so special, so wanted. So exclusively yours.” He was almost mewling in pain. “Gods. Byakuya.” He took a deep, shuddering breath and steeled himself again. “So much for not doing anything to shatter my devotion. That lasted all of 5 minutes.” His glare turned to ice, his mouth set in a frown. He turned and pulled the door open a bit.
“Hear me out, please!” Oh fuck, I’ve got to remain calm and get him to see reason. He paused and waited. I decided to move toward him, hoping I could touch him, make contact that would connect us again. “Juu and I are good friends, and yes, we became lovers. We’re not in love, though. We’re not holding each other back from finding someone special. I didn’t know I’d need to explain, at first, and when I did figure it out last night, it was bad timing. This morning I tried to tell you that I needed to think before talking, but you happened to find the note, and him, and you presumed we were in a relationship.” I managed to get close enough to reach out my hand to his back.
He shrugged me off and snarled over his shoulder. “Don’t put this on me. You could’ve said something before we did anything. Or at least when you knew your feelings about me! You chose to keep quiet. How could you betray my loyalty by withholding something so important?” He could barely contain his loathing and distrust, he was shaking so bad.
My heart was breaking for him. I didn’t care about my own selfish needs, anymore. I only wished I could take away his pain. “I wasn’t trying to deceive you or hurt you. I meant everything I said last night. Everything. I would have gone to Juu today, and ended our sexual relationship because I want to be with you.” I pleaded with him.
He stood there, hurt and unbelieving, shaking his head. Then, like a shot, he raced out the door, not wanting to hear anymore.
“RENJI!” I cried out to him. He didn’t look back.
I stared at the outer door, stunned and shocked by what had happened. Renji was so furious. I knew it was a delicate situation, but I hadn’t counted on him going ballistic. I replayed the fight in my mind, trying to think of how I could have handled it better, made Renji stay. I gaped impassively into the distance, not really seeing anything. My mind reeled from the enormity of this desolation. I feel like I inadvertently commanded Senbonzakura to shred my newly created paradise, like I couldn’t stop myself.
Juu approached me and softly touched me on my shoulder. I couldn’t respond. “Bya? Are you okay?” His voice was gentle, his hand stroked my arm to rouse me. Still no response. He smiled sadly as he took in my catatonic face. He pulled me into his arms.
“I’m so sorry Bya. I didn’t know your friend from the note was Renji and I didn’t realize you hadn’t told him about us. I wouldn’t have come back at all, if I did. I tried to stay out late, thinking to give you time alone with your friend but thought that it would be no harm to crash on the sofa. Again, I’m sorry.” He held me and rocked me gently, kissing and stroking my hair.
I roused myself and croaked out a reply. “Not your fault.”
I dressed, picked up the note and reread it. I tried to put myself in Renji’s place. What would have gone through his mind?
When I came out to the sitting room, Juushiro had made us some tea. “Juu?”
“Hmm? What is it Bya?” He tried to hide the concern in his voice, to be the rock I could lean on. He poured a cup for me and then himself, sitting down to listen and talk.
“Did you think the note was ... wrong ... in some way?” I forced myself to behave as normally as I could. I handed the note back to him, then sat opposite of him and picked up my tea.
“Ohhh. Bya. Do you really want to go down this path? Reviewing every detail, trying to figure out what you could’ve done differently?” He crossed his legs and waited, scrutinizing the note.
I wondered the same thing. I knew that I couldn’t undo anything, but I also knew that I had to figure out my culpability in the matter. “I think I need to. How else will I be able to face him again?” I looked down into my tea.
He sighed, “All right then.” He set his cup and the note down and placed his hands on his lap.
“First off, thank you, Bya, for taking a moment to write me a note to let me know what was happening. Of course, I know you never would have left without informing me, so I wanted you to know that the existence of the note is irrefutable.” He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward when he noticed my untouched tea in my hands. “It’s customary to put the cup to your lips and drink.” I looked up to see him smiling. Ah. Right. Normal behaviour. I took a sip and set the cup on the table.
He continued, “I can see two scenarios. In both cases, the note remains a constant.”
“One. The note is not altered. I believe Renji had a right to be told about us, preferably, before you left the club. Even if that was unattainable, weren’t there other times when you could have broached the subject, giving him the chance to think about his choices before it was too late to do the right thing?” Juu made a good point, echoing Renji’s sentiments, but I couldn’t see when, so I just stared, blinking at him.
He resumed his analysis when he realized I had no intention of replying. “You must have known there was a possibility of running into me. If you had prepared for that, and the rest of the night played out the same, there would not have been a problem this morning, I suspect.” I nodded slightly, more in understanding than agreement.
He decided to proceed, as I was still reticent. “Two. The note is adjusted. Since you were unable to inform Renji in time, I believe the note needed to specify that he was the friend. That is all. I would have known to stay away, given what you’ve told me about your thoughts toward him. I’m sure I could have stayed at Urahara’s and phoned this morning, instead.” He leaned back in a gesture of finishing his evaluation.
I clasped my hands in my lap and reflected on his words for a moment. I examined my shoes as I spoke, “I don’t think I could have told him in the beginning, given the information I had. I hadn’t admitted my feelings about him were deep, so I let myself believe it was a fling and not necessary to reveal it.” I tried to believe what I was saying, knowing that it was an excuse. Regardless of my lack of self-awareness, an honourable man would not have entered into the situation without full-disclosure. I began to realize my full responsibility.
“Did he think it was a fling? Did he say anything to lead you to that conclusion?” Juu responded to the word choice, avoiding the obvious justification I made.
“No. Quite the opposite. He made comments about having planned to see me at the club, and hints of a future with me, but I ignored them. Not until we were here, at the hotel awhile, did I have a revelation about my own intentions.” And yet, I still withheld, as Renji had pointed out. He was right. I had made a conscious choice to conceal my secret. But why? I may not discover that answer today.
Juu kept the thought process going, “So, really, you just needed a bit more time to talk to him about it. My being here was the tripwire. It didn’t help that I fell asleep with the note in my hand. Scenario two, then. You should have changed one word, changed friend to Renji. That’s all it would have taken to get that precious time back. One word...” He paused to let that sink in.
I knew it was ridiculous. He was giving me more excuses. The note was to blame, or Juu shouldn’t have been here. Perhaps it would have played out the same, despite all the cards falling in the right place. Renji could have responded in the same way because of the fact of being told after our night together.
Juushiro echoed my thoughts. “Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference. You still don’t know how he would have reacted to being told the day after. I happened to overhear the argument and how he felt he wasn’t given a choice. Sorry, I wasn’t eavesdropping on purpose. The door was partly open. I didn’t hear most of what you said, though.”
“Oh? Do you want me to repeat it for you?” I sneered. A flash of hurt passed my eyes. I didn’t want to lash out at him, but I was disappointed in myself and he was a safe target to vent on.
He immediately stood up and came over to sit beside me. “No. of course not,” he comforted me with an arm around my waist. “Look Bya, if I was him, Renji specifically, and not just anyone, I would have been upset about it, too. Very few people are ignorant of how he feels about you. I knew the answer to the fling question before I asked it. He adores you and is vulnerable to the slightest mistreatment.” He ran his hand up and down my back, trying to console as he laid out the truth for me.
“I’m not trying to blame you or make you feel bad. I think you should just accept responsibility for your choices, understanding that you did the best you could. You make mistakes, like the rest of us. Learn for the next time and move on to make amends with him.” His hand came up to my face and turned it towards himself.
As he regarded my expression, he quoted, “Don’t dwell in a home with a rotten foundation.” He added, “Build a new house, together.” His face lit up with hope.
I smiled at the memory of the advice given to me by my grandfather, the same quote I gave Juushiro during his romantic crisis, many years ago. “Very sound counsel, Juu. Thank you for your friendship. You have been a wonderful mentor and confidant.” I knew what I needed to do, now.
He hugged me and kissed me softly on my cheek. “I’m glad I was able to help you and be there for you.” I felt surprisingly optimistic about reconciling with Renji. I determined to take steps immediately.
I released myself from his embrace and stood up. “I’ll get my things and be on my way home, now.” I looked down, resting my hand on his shoulder. “When I see you again in Soul Society, we will be colleagues and close friends, but no longer lovers.”
“I expected this. I’m not offended or hurt,” Juushiro replied, reaching his hand up to pat my hand.
“I knew it would be so.” I gave him a lasting look of gratitude, and went to pack. He was gone when I returned to the sitting room, giving me space to leave without further comment.
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A/N: The quote isn’t a real one from canon. I also set up a possible prequel with Ukitake and Byakuya. I don’t see any sex in the next chapter as Renji’s POV is explored. There will be make-up sex in the resolution chapter.
- 6
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- 8
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Driven to Distraction