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Kurosaki Ichigo, Male Gigolo	By : AndrewJoshuaTalon Category: Bleach > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 32329 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Bleach is the property of Noriaki "Tite" Kubo, Shonen Jump, Viz and others. Please support the official release.

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Kurosaki Ichigo: Seireitei Gigolo

By Andrew J. Talon and The EroSennin

Based upon an idea by byakuryuu

Author's Note: This is a collaboration with The Sage of Toads, and is officially part of his "Interview" verse. How far it will go is up to him, but until we decide that, enjoy.

"Fucking manwhore," Renji hiccuped. He swayed on his barstool unsteadily, already on his tenth bottle of sake. He had gotten the nice bottles, not the plain ones, forgoing a new pair of sunglasses for all the booze he could find. "Gettin'... All the women, making it... So's they don't want anyone else!"

"Yeah," grunted Kira with a snort, staring off into space listlessly. "Momo's all... 'He helped me get over my issues with Aizen, that fucking prick!'," he warbled in a bad impression of Hinamori.

"Eh? She called Ichigo a prick?" Renji asked.

"No! No, she called Aizen the prick! Least I hope she's calling him that prick, who she has issues with," Kira slurred. He threw back another drink and growled.

"I'd have helped her with her issues, goddamnit!"

"You're emo," Hisagi snorted nearby, sipping from a Western style mug. "You don't help with issues, you have them."

Ignoring Kira's angry sputtering, Renji held up his bottle of sake. Booze always put him in a philosophical mood. It wasn't too different from his complaining mood, but it sounded better.

"I mean... He coulda stuck with Yoruichi. Don't grudge him her. She's hot, but she ain't... Ain't my childhood friend!" Renji snorted. Assorted nods from his fellow men followed.

"But! But no... He has to take each! And! Every! Single! One!" Renji slammed his drink down angrily. "They don't give a damn about anything else but the sex! Those... Those lousy sex obsessed women!"

"Yeah!" Kira proclaimed drunkenly. "He's ruinin' all the women!"

"Prick!"

"Bastard!"

"Hang him by his balls!"

"Che," came a snort. All three men turned and looked at one Captain Kyoraku. He considered his bowl of sake with surprisingly clear eyes, and downed it in one gulp. The well dressed captain rose from his seat, and turned to address the bar with the eloquence and fire of a great holy man.

"Captain?" Renji tried. Shunsui shook his head.

"Fools... You're looking to hang the wrong guy. Guys. Cause, you know... It's our own damn fault," Shunsui concluded.

"Eh?"

"How?"

"Because, my fellow men... My fellow Shinigami," Shunsui said dramatically, "we have failed our women. We have not done our duty, to ensure they are sexually satisfied." He downed more sake, sighing like a poet with writer's block.

"But, more than that, my fellow men... We have not used sex PROPERLY!" Shunsui declared. "We haven't... Haven't used it as the great thing it is... When done properly... To solve the ills of the world! One messed up woman's psyche, at a time!" He held up his hands as though to yank down the heavens, before thinking better of it.

He stood up shakily, grabbing a bottle of hard liquor with which to wander about the bar.

"Unohana's maternal tendencies... Isane's big sister issues... Hinamori's... Various issues..." Shunsui sighed. "Nanao-chan's desire for control... Nay, men, I tell you, the fault lies in ourselves! For we have not done our duty!" He swayed dramatically, tears pouring forth from his eyes.

"But... Is it too late... For Man? Or is Kurosaki Ichigo a Man above Men? The only one of us, willing to do what it takes, to give our women what they need? What they desire?" Shunsui cried. "Oh, if my beloved Nanao-chan is happy, is it not selfish of me to envy a man who can? Is it too late for me to realize the error of my ways?"

"No Captain! It-It can't be too late!" Renji sobbed. Kira slammed his head into the bar, sobbing loudly as well. Hisagi snorted.

"Fucking deal you spazzy virgin..." He cursed.

"SPAZZY VIRGIN?" Renji snarled, trying to swing his sword for Hisagi but succeeding only in splashing him with booze. "I'll show you! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL! I've got a... I've got a great idea! I'm gonna go... To the Real World... And take HIS women! Yeah! Fucking yeah! SOUL SOCIETY NEEDS WOMEN!" Renji roared.

"I totally agree!" Kira cheered. Hisagi sighed.

"Well... Might as well go to make sure you don't do any real damage..." He wiped off the excess liquor.

"TO THE REAL WORLD!" Renji declared. Shunsui sighed as the trio left.

"Is this the end...?" He shook his head and steeled himself by downing the bottle of sake.

"NEVER! Shusui, ya shouldn't lose hope! *hic* Only real men... Not real men... Give up! I'M COMING, MY SWEET NANAO-CHANNNN!"

Tap tap tap tap!

"Nnngh..." Tatsuki moaned, sitting up in bed. She rubbed her eyes and looked over at the window, blinking blearily. Her eyes widened and then narrowed.

"What the hell...?" She mumbled with a yawn, leaning over and opening the window. A red-faced Renji sat on the window sill, swaying slightly.

"Yo, tomboy," he said. Tatsuki scowled and looked at the clock.

"Renji? What the hell...? It's three in the morning!"

"I gotta ask ya something!" Renji said in an overly loud voice.

"Guh... If it's to train, come back in a few hours will you? I need my sleep if I'm going to kick your ass," Tatsuki huffed. Renji scowled.

"You didn't kick my ass! I distinctly remember your feet never hit that part of my body!"

"Fine, I'll make sure they do next time! Now go away!" Tatsuki hissed. "And would you keep it quiet? My parents are sleeping!"

"They're not spiritually aware, so they can't hear me," Renji said, in an almost lucid tone. "Even if I do this. HEY HEY HEYYYYYY! RENJI IS GREAT! HIS GIANT SNAKE CAN BLOW SHIT UP!" He spun around while waving his arms above his head. Tatsuki's eyes narrowed to the point she looked as though she was trying to set him on fire with her mind.

"Renji... Are you drunk?" Tatsuki growled. Renji looked back at her and blinked several times.

"I don't think so... You always look this good when I'm sober," he said with a grin. Tatsuki's cheeks turned red and she scowled.

"Well fine! If you're not drunk, then what are you here for?"

"I've gotta ask you something!" Renji said seriously, though it was hard to tell with how his eyes were going all over the place.

Tatuski groaned and slapped a hand to her forehead.

"Gah... What?"

"You ain't... Hired Kurosaki yet, right?" He asked. Tatsuki blinked at him, irritated.

"For what?"

"You know...?" Renji said, waving his hands vaguely.

"No, I don't," Tatsuki stated flatly. Renji nodded to himself and leaned forward, giving her a smile. Tatsuki flushed at his proximity and scowled.

"What?"

"Then... Can I have your babies? And... Stuff?" He asked.

"... Renji, either get the hell away from my house until you're sober, or I'm punching you out," Tatsuki stated flatly. Renji grinned.

"I always liked them... Tsundere! C'mon, Soul Society needs women!"

"..."

POW!

Renji went flying off the windowsill and crashed into a cluster of garbage cans. Tatsuki pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned. Ever since Ichigo and his friends had come back from Hueco Mundo, she'd trained with Renji in Urahara's "basement". He was rather like Ichigo and the two had become fairly decent friends.

Not decent enough, however, to drag his drunken ass out of the garbage... At least, not until morning.

Yeah, it's non-lemony but be assured, lemons are on the way. Next up, Nanao and Rangiku, and then Rukia's next special. Stay tuned.
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Kurosaki Ichigo, Male Gigolo