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For The Love of a Friend	By : orionshadow Category: Bleach > Het - Male/Female Views: 32416 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine, except for the original characters. I make no money from the publication of this work.
Reflections on Love and Friendship.
It had taken some time but she had finally stopped crying. She felt disloyal to Yoruichi, crying once more over a man when she had cried bitter tears over many days after Yoruichi disappeared. Her love for her former Captain had been the centre of her life, the meaning of existence. She was never going to cry over Toshiro as much as her first real love, she promised herself. He could never mean as much, take over the part of her life which she had dedicated to her captain and her friend. No man was that important or worthy of her time and attention.
Men were arrogant, crude, dishonest, lazy. They were unreasonable and wanted to be in control of every situation and every person.
They thought they were superior to women and used any means to prove it, even when it made no sense.
Except Toshiro wasn't as bad as most of them.
She shook her head, angry at the thought. No, he was as bad. He was worse. He wanted to enslave her into marriage and have his child and maybe even take care of him in the traditional way. Marriage was invented by men to control women and their reproduction. It was always a prison for women but a convenience for men, until they changed their minds.
The way her thoughts were going scared her. There was one thing she could change.
The child didn't need to be born.
It stunned her to realise all the time she spent in making the decision while weighing all the facts of which she was aware, uncertainty could appear at any minor setback. She recalled the relief she'd felt at having finally settled the matter and arrived at a firm choice, which at the time had seemed both sensible and logical. Yet, this latest development had once again question her decision.
Sentiment aside, the child was a physical and emotional tie to Toshiro even if they were no longer lovers or even friends. When she looked at the child she would remember the father and the time they has spent together. Other people might see the resemblance and might question her, even attempt to strengthen the other ties which had recently been broken completely by both of them. Refusing to answer questions would lead to speculation and rumours. This wasn't what she wanted. Wrenching her mind from the fear of the future she stared, blindly at the wall, trying to clear her mind.
She tried but then she remembered something that hurt in a way she hadn't expected. His last words had shocked her. It sounded like he'd given up when she had relied upon his refusal to give up. His rejection of her and whatever it was they had and ultimately it meant the rejection of their child. She was free of him. Why wasn't she pleased? It had been one of her aims, hadn't it, to be able to have the child without anyone else interfering? She thought briefly of her remaining family. It was possible they would not be pleased she was having a child without being married but until now she had served her family faithfully. All the times she had been told she should honour her family and do her duty in order to reflect glory onto her family had been effective and she quailed a little at any possible reaction, but they'd be pleased about another child, wouldn't they? After all the deaths in her family during their service as Shinigami, wasn't it a good idea to produce another generation to carry on the family name? As she wasn't married, the child would be theirs to be brought up without the interference of a father or another family.
Then she remembered Toshiro didn't really have a family. In some respects he'd classed Momo as a sister until he imagined he was romantically attached to her. She tried to imagine Momo as a sister, but could only see her as an irritant. Her inability to develop any type of resilience without relying on another might be the result of upbringing. She'd treated Toshiro the same way some of her sisters had treated her and her brothers but she knew an estrangement had grown between the two when Toshiro was promoted to Captain. Aside from Momo the only person he seemed to treat with any care was his lieutenant, Matsumoto who had married Kenpachi Zaraki. Her face flushed as she remembered how vehemently she had opposed the marriage partly due to her belief the woman was lazy and unintelligent.
It was embarrassing to recall that Captain's meeting as it forced her to admit she had been a hypocrite. She had spoken forcibly against marriage and insulted Ran, Zaraki and a number of other Captains, including Toshiro, while she was sleeping with Toshiro. Remembering being called 'a tiny fucking iceberg' still angered and hurt. Just because Zaraki was so tall didn't mean he should make a scathing comment on her height. Mainly it was due to the bitterness and anger she was feeling toward Toshiro at the time, but her words had been unguarded and in some cases, unfair. At the time she had thought the marriage was a bad idea. She still did, even though Zaraki and Ran seemed to make it work, for the short time they'd been together. Once the marriage had happened she hadn't thought about it much due to the disturbing events which followed.
Unwillingly her mind followed the marriage thread. The other engagement in which she had unwittingly become involved rose in her memory. Being confronted by Kiyone who had told her about her 'affair' with Toshiro,while she tried desperately to find a father for her child. Being instrumental in 'persuading', if that were the right term, Captain Kuchiki to acknowledge his possible paternity of Kiyones' child and agree to an engagement made her feel like a fraud . While it was his child as well, the whole process had felt like an ambush, even though there was little choice. Captain Kuchiki had made any contact from Kiyone impossible and the girl had been terrified of the consequences, and probably her sister's reaction. Soi doubted that the marriage would be happy as the Captain had been deeply irritated at being forced into the position and the resentment this would create might destroy any hope the marriage would succeed. It seemed Kiyone genuinely cared for the Captain but his indifference might quickly destroy any tender feelings she had.
Her mind wandered onto the next ill-conceived marriage. Momo was marrying that strange officer from Fourth Division, not the father of her child, but a man who apparently had formed a romantic attachment to her and despite her dislike of the female, she was relieved that she had chosen not to marry Toshiro. The child of Aizen and Momo would have a father and with luck no one would guess the true paternity of the child.
This led her back to her emotional reaction when Toshiro had asked if he should marry Momo.
If she were to be completely honest, she had felt slightly jealous and it galled her to admit it. She still found it hard to accept this truth which was something she felt she must deny. It wasn't because she loved Toshiro at the time, but it made her aware he saw their liaison as temporary, which it was meant to be. It was her plan that the arrangement between them was not anything more than a indulgence of sensual pleasure. If he had married Momo, it would have been an end to anything between them. She should have ended it firmly after he made the suggestion. A clean break with no regrets. The morality of having a relationship with a married man didn't worry her as much as the squalor of the situation and the inevitable resulting mess of emotions, accusations and issues.
Even though it might be dramatic, she considered her current situation untenable. If Retsu had not gone to Los Noches, she could talk to her. She even felt she might be able to talk to Rangiku, at least about some of the less personal matters, but there were few other females available with whom she might be able to talk about what was happening. She didn't want anyone to know Toshiro had rejected her and anyone who might be possible confidants were away. She didn't want to talk to any of her subordinates because her recent conversations with them had revealed how she hadn't paid enough attention to what was happening. Acknowledging her lack of focus made her uncomfortable and at present she wasn't ready to deal with the source of the reaction.
Instead, she wanted to talk to someone about all the things which seemed to be happening in her life but there was no one. Her desire for privacy had meant she had mainly superficial relationships with most of the people around her, mostly because the pain she'd felt when Yoruichi left had astounded her. Her life had been one of loss with family members dying while members of the Seireitei but she had managed the loss with fortitude. She loved her family but each death had seemed almost inevitable. The pain she felt when Yoriuchi left had felt more like she had been abandoned, found not to measure up to expectations and pushed aside for another.
It didn't matter. The past was a place to visit but nothing she did now could change anything which had happened. Remembering only brought grief and a sense of loneliness.
Thinking in this way wasn't helping. Her frustration and anxiety were increasing as each new thought indicated how alone she was and one of the few times she felt the need for a confidante, none were available.
If thinking wasn't helping, maybe action would. She'd do some exercises, try some training moves to distract her mind. She'd been too preoccupied recently to practice and now it seemed foolish to have permitted her training to slip. As she grew larger she would need to remain supple and fit in order to carry the increased weight.
Looking around, she realised she was still in the room which had been their trysting place and now was the place where her relationship with Toshiro had ended. She didn't want to be here, but was reluctant to leave any indication of occupation . Quickly she tidied the room, removing any traces of her presence. From now on, this room might prove useful as storage, or a day care centre or something. There were too many memories in this room for her to wish to return.
Satisfied the room looked as if nothing or importance had occurred there, she left and went to the gymnasium. Due to the hour, it was quiet and the only people she encountered were leaving. This was very much to her taste as she preferred to exercise and train without the distraction of noise, or people trying to engage her in idle conversation. Quickly changing into the clothes she left there, she began doing a few warm ups, gentle stretching and loosening her muscles. Time passed as she went through her normal routines and she rejoiced in feeling the perspiration run down her skin. Reaching up to push hair off her forehead, it became clear he hair was completely drenched from her exertions and a few of her muscles appeared to be aching gently. It was enough. Now she would return home, drink water and sleep. No thinking, just sleep and relaxation as she tried to come to terms with the unwelcome emotions which had been created when Toshiro had bid her farewell.
Again she pushed the thought away. The past was over and done with. The present and future were her concern and it was important to accept anything which could not be changed.
Washing off the sweat, she tried to pretend she was cleansing herself of the unwanted emotions at the same time. All the feelings were leaving her body, sluiced off by the water and running down the drain, separated from her forever. She tried hard to believe it was true and emerged from her shower, refreshed. It took a short time for her to return home and after drinking some water, she slept, dreamlessly at first.
It didn't last. The dream which came to her was the memory of discovering and accepting she was pregnant and wished to keep the child. The night when she stared at the moon and tried to accept the change was difficult the first time. Reliving the memory with the current events clearly in her mind, made it more painful. Even though she had done everything she resolved to do, distanced Toshiro to the point where he no longer wished to know her, it did not bring her a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment. Fighting the dream thoughts and sadness she woke, sitting upright. "I miss Toshiro," she heard her voice say.
'Why did I say that? I don't want to miss Toshiro,' was her reasoning.
Without meaning to, her eyes found the window and she was once more staring at the moon, watching the delicate clouds obscure its surface for seconds. 'The moon doesn't care,' she thought. 'It is only an object in the sky which is far from here. It is a cold and dead place. I should stop staring at it.'
Her eyes remained fixed on the moon as she tried not to think about the dream and the words she had accidentally spoken. There was no point in missing Toshiro. He had made his lack of interest clear.
Until that point, he had seemed to want to be with her, to even marry her.
But she didn't want to get married. 'Marriage was created by men as a way to own and control women,' she told herself again. When men married they wanted to make certain any children were fathered by them, their wives were expected to obey any demands without complaint. Obedience, compliance and domination seemed a high price to pay for a tenuous security. it was important to remember this. She had to remember this.
Momo might be desperate to marry but that was because she wanted protection for the child she carried. Many might wish to destroy any child fathered by Aizen and Momo, while a reasonable fighter, often let her emotions interfere with her abilities. She was too easily moved to tears or anger, or both, which left her weaker. Her chosen mate might not be able to physically protect her but most Shinigami were less prepared to harm anyone from Fourth Division as they relied upon them to do the unpleasant tasks. Maybe she hoped it would provide some protection.
Though there had been the problem with the Eleventh Division.
She shook her head, trying to drive away the thoughts. Momo had problems which Soi was not facing. She was a Captian and had not attempted to kill anyone, recently. No strong feeling would be exposed if anyone found out she'd had a relationship with Toshiro, or there were few reasons to expect anyone would react unexpectedly.
Her skin was uncomfortable. Not itchy, not sore, not inflamed but it didn't seem to fit and was slightly too warm. A few of the muscles were aching slightly due to her workout but didn't seem to be the cause of the discomfort. Why did her skin feel this way? It had to fit her as it was her skin. Rising from her bed, she went to the window and opened it, breathing in the fresh night air. There was the slight scent of rain in the air and she breathed it in, welcoming the cool air in her lungs and on her slightly overheated skin. Suddenly she didn't want to be in her room, not this room, not the room she had left with a conflict of emotion. She needed to be outside, feeling the wind whiffle through her hair as she walked, maybe walk toward a place where there were no buildings, only trees, shrubs and whatever wildlife lived in the place.
Quickly dressing, she thoughtfully added an umbrella. Normally she didn't care about protection from the rain, but having noticed she was overheated, she wondered if it was a touch of fever. If she was feverish and became wet from the rain it might mean an illness, not that she thought she had a fever. It was due being too generous with the bed covering.
Exiting her living quarters, she felt better. The heat of her skin was offset by the temperature of the air. She began to walk, not really caring which direction or where she went as long as she escaped the built up area. There were gardens in the Seireitei but any resemblance to natural beauty was rare. This mood required something untamed and free.
Using Shun-po meant she was soon in a wood. It was dark but the moon shed some light, not much. It meant walking carefully, trying to avoid fallen branches. The rustle in the grass ahead possibly meant some animals were startled by her presence and were moving to find a place not inhabited by humans. Noticing but not paying much attention to the quiet movement of animals and birds she walked closer to the river and sat down on what seemed to be grass, close enough to hear the soothing sound of the water as it tumbled over the stones.
For the first time that day, she felt at peace. No one knew where she was, no one could ask her questions, or pry into her life or tell her there wasn't even the semblance of friendship between them. Time passed as she sat near the river, listening to the sounds of the night, occasionally gazing at the not quite full moon. Any time her brain presented her with something to think about, she pushed the thought aside. There was too few occasions when she spent time simply existing without the demands of life intruding and trying to pull her in multiple directions.
It began to rain, first a soft mist of droplets which soon became heavier. Standing up, she opened her umbrella and decided it was time to return. She was still at peace and relieved her skin no longer felt uncomfortable. Instead of speedily returning to her quarters, she decided to walk, while attempting to retain the peace she felt from her stay by the river. Entering the confines of the Seireitei, she passed a wine shop, still open despite the late hour. There was the sound of singing and loud speech. Loud but blurred and it wasn't easy to understand the words uttered. The singing stopped for a moment and she heard the words clearly. She stopped, curious as to what had caused the cessation in the merriment.
"Once I marry Soi Fong, I'll sit back and let her do all the work. Little bitch will learn who is the master and who is the servant and she will serve me. On her back, on her knees, she'll do what I tell her," a voice fogged by wine proclaimed. A white thread of shock ran though her as she recognised the voice.
"Don't talk about the Captain that way," a voice warned him.
"Lackey. She'll be my wife and I'll get promoted and make all the women in my Division my concubines. That's all women are good for. Serving men and sex. No one will stop me. My family status deserves the best. Look at this letter, telling me of my promotion," Omeada bragged loudly.
"You're a drunk fool. Shut up. You've been talking stupid things for the last week. No one believes you," another voice told him angrily.
"You're just jealous because you're inferior. Soi Fong will be my wife and you will still be nothing. She's a fool. Doesn't know anything. First the Maggot's Nest, then I think I'll take over 5th Division and screw Aizen's leftovers." Omeada declaimed and Soi didn't know she could be as angry as she was now. Any anger she had felt at Toshiro was nothing compared to the rage which was now consuming her emotions.
"You've been warned three times. Listening to you insult an officer of the Seireitei makes us guilty of complici.... cosum... comloc.... complicityyyy. We could go to the Maggot's Nest because of you. Get out, baka," the first voice to warn him said. A chair thudded to the ground as she heard bodies hitting each other and a constant stream of cursing. Her lieutenant was crying out in a high pitched whine and she heard the sound of footsteps approaching.
Carefully, Soi moved to one side of the door as a large body was thrown out of the wine shop, passing close by her, and the singing inside resumed with a bawdy ballad about a bear and a maiden. The body fell to the ground, face first with a loud thump, splashing up a sheet of water as it displaced water in a puddle. Her lieutenant groaned. "Stupid Soi. Why didn't you agree to marry me? I'm your better. You should be grateful."
Soi froze, wondering if her lieutenant had seen her, but a bubbling snuffle followed by a loud snore indicated he may be asleep. Certain of what she would see when she looked at the face she picked up the head, gingerly, by the hair by the knot used to contain it and stared at the wet face, smeared with mud. The eyes were shut but a smug smile was on the mouth and the lips formed her name. Disgusted at what she saw she dropped it more forcefully than she had picked it up, and didn't care that the resulting splash soaked the bottom of her uniform. It was hard to resist an impulse to kick the recumbent body. In order to not attack the unconscious man, she had to turn away and ball her hands into fists, feeling her nails cut into her palms.
Not content with mocking her position as Captain of the Division, her lieutenant had forgotten his position and become drunk at an insalubrious wineshop which had thrown him out. He had spoken of her as if she were little more than a body for hire and expressed his contempt for all females. Once again he had shamed her division and this time she was not prepared to listen to explanations. His family had petitioned her constantly since his suspension, promising he would reform and not act without her direction. There were promises of money and many other enticements, a letter from a psychologist who had provided some long term to explain Omaeda's actions but she had barely glanced at it or the offers. His upbringing might have contributed to the man he became but she suspected it was partly due to his nature rather than nurture. The pleas had ceased when she'd sent the misleading letter, but the ill effects had left a lasting impression on her.
After the discovery of the problems in her Division she had originally decided to make certain he was put in charge of the Maggot's Nest but had later wondered if that would be a sign of weakness as he might still exercise some power. Now, she no longer cared what people thought of her. No appeals from his family, or orders from Yamamoto would induce her to accept this subordinate. He was corrupt and would infect any division, which was prepared to accept him, like leprosy. It might appear whole and well from the outside until the rot penetrated the surface and exposed the rotting interior and bones, stripped of the diseased skin and muscle. Omaeda not only carried the taint, he believed he was immune from the consequences.
Summoning one of her silent subordinates, she directed the man be placed, temporarily, in the Maggots Nest. There was a holding cell, not part of the main prison, which was used occasionally for covert purposes. It had not been used for some years, but placing him there meant he could no longer shame her or cause others any grief.
"He is to be fed only fruit and vegetables. No protein of any kind. No rice or bread. And one thing I wish to make perfectly clear. No matter how much he protests he is not to receive any sweets, snacks, cakes or pastries of any kind. Vegetables and fruit only. For once I want his jaws to be idle of chewing. He will probably complain loudly and bitterly and demand to be released. If the noise become too great, you may gag him. Absolutely no visitors, especially his family," she ordered coldly.
"Are you certain, Captain? He is your lieutenant." Her subordinate asked with lowered eyes.
"From tonight he is suspended indefinitely from the position until I find a suitable replacement. If his family ask any questions, refer them directly to me. No one else is in a position to answer their enquiries," she said, the words bitter in her mouth. "I will see Captain Yamamoto tomorrow and explain the facts, very clearly."
The dark clad figure bowed, lifted the bulky form of the Captain, as if it weighed considerably less than it did, and moved quickly in the direction of the Maggot's Nest.
Soi watched, listening to the singing which had continued and was now extolling the virtues of springtime and the many outdoor activities, some which made her feel as if she had heard too much. No one had noticed the conversation and removal of detritus.
Turning, she began to walk back to her quarters, slowly and reluctantly. She didn't want to be alone. If she was alone, she would think and her thoughts which had seemed so calm and ordered while sitting by the river had once again become disorganised and prey to emotion.
She stood still and bit her lip. Pride was part of her nature. Part of the way she defined herself was by her pride and her actions. Her family had taught her to honour her family and the only humility she should show was to her superiors and her family elders. Standing there, in the rain, her hakama sodden from being splashed, she wondered where she could go. She was wet, angry, sad, scared and lonely. Pride seemed a silly thing when she felt this way.
Impulsively she began to walk toward Tenth Division. Toshiro might have said there was less than nothing between them, but it was time to prove him wrong.

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A.N
Soundtrack
'Candy Man' Brown Eyed Girls
'Old Skool Fool' Freestylers
'Inside River' KaitO
'Drink to Get Drunk' Sander Van Doom
Review. Sometimes they amuse. Sometimes they inspire.
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For The Love of a Friend