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A Shadow of What Was	By : katami Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 49594 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Author's Notes: This is another of those chapters that insisted it had to be written and wouldn't leave me alone until it was. I hope it turned out alright.

Once again thanks for reading and reviews are appreciated. And Erin, I am not sure whether to be flattered or apologize to you. *grin* I'm glad you are enjoying this insanity, though.

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Matsumoto glanced at Shuuhei, who was snoring peacefully, and then at Kira, who was tipping back another cup of sake. The vice captain of the Third looked miserable, not that she looked any better. She knew her face was drawn and that the darkness of her robes was matched by the shadows lingering in her eyes.

She could still see the blood. So much blood. Feel the sticky, hot wash of liquid against her hands and soaking into her robes. Her captain's blood. The two men she loved most in the world had drawn their swords against each other and she had watched, her heart in her throat. Watched them try and kill each other. Watched them grievously wound each other. And she hadn't known who she had feared for more in that moment - both of them on the ground, their life's blood staining the earth.

She shivered and glanced up, catching Kira's eyes. She could see the hollow emptiness in his eyes and knew the same despair was lurking in her own gaze. Just as she knew the same person had put that look in their eyes.

Ichimaru Gin.

She wanted to hate him. Wanted to be able to kill him for what he had done - although whether it was betraying Soul Society or leaving her alone that fueled the feeling even she couldn't say. All she knew was that she had loved him and he had left her. Chosen Aizen Sousuke and his lies over her. She hated him for that.

She knew Kira felt that same. He had loved and idolized Gin as much as she had. And while her love was that of a younger sister for her god-like older brother, Kira's was the more simple love of an underling for a man he wished to become. They had both looked up to Gin however. They had loved him and he had shattered their hearts and broken their trust.

"Did you see him?" asked Kira in a soft, hoarse whisper. There was no need to clarify which him - there was only one him for the two of them.

She nodded, holding out her glass for a refill, her mind all too easily summoning an image of Gin as she had last seen him - his right side a wash of blood and ice, his golden eyes senseless. He had looked years younger and almost innocent as he lay in an Arrancar's arms while she rushed him to safety.

Then came the memory of Aizen's bland smile, not even a hint of concern for the captain who had given up everything to follow him. She felt a dark shimmering rage build up inside her at the thought of Aizen.

Why did Gin follow him? Why did he stay with a man who clearly didn't care about him when she and Kira loved him so much? Why weren't they good enough to hold him? Why wasn't their love enough to bind him to them? What made Aizen's cool and indifferent regard so much more valuable than their love and adoration?

She wanted to scream and snarl for Gin to come back and tell her what made her and Kira worth so much less than Aizen.

"I saw him," she whispered soft, her voice brittle with pain and anger.

"Did he..."Kira began before breaking off, biting down hard on his fist, a few tears slipping free. She could read the questions he wanted to ask but couldn't bring himself to give voice to. Did he take any injuries? Did he hurt anyone? Did he escape?

"Hitsugaya-taichou struck him," she managed to squeeze out, wrapping her arms around her middle to try and still the trembling of her limbs. She felt sick remembering the fight. She heard Kira's soft gasp of pain and denial and looked up to meet aching blue eyes. They slid closer, each wrapping an arm around the other as they sat side-by-side, drawing comfort in each other's warmth.

Shuuhei had dragged Kira through the gate after hearing about the incident in the park. Matsumoto was sure one of the other captains, likely Ukitake-taichou or maybe Renji, had sent word ahead to him to warn him that Gin was involved in the altercation. Either of them would have realized how sensitive a subject Ichimaru was to her and Kira and done all they could to buffer them from the pain. Hence Shuuhei and the vast amounts of alcohol.

It didn't help though, she still missed her savior and Kira still longed for his idol.

Kira poured her another glass as she laid her head on his shoulder. "Will he be all right?" A soft guilty whisper, knowledge he knew he shouldn't want - but did anyway.

"If they work fast," she whispered, just as guilty for the relief the knowledge brought. She should hate Ichimaru - want him dead. But she didn't and couldn't. Just like Kira, she still loved him and secretly wished that somehow he would come back to them.

They both glanced at Shuuhei, relieved that he was still sleeping and couldn't have overheard their shared sin. The captain of the Ninth would never have understood their inability to give up on Gin. He hadn't loved Tousen, he had just served under him. He hadn't idolized the former captain of the Ninth the way she and Kira had Gin.

Kira sagged against her and Matsumoto gently laid down with him, snuggling close, each drawing what comfort they could. "He used to hold me like this," she admitted softy, a secret for Kira's ears alone. "Back when I first started at the Academy. I was scared of the dark and he would let me sneak into his room and hold me." Tears slipped down her cheeks at the memories, the sake bringing the pain easily to the surface. It was stupid and childish but she wanted those days back; days when she could lay down and entrust her burdens to someone stronger. She stifled a small sound of pain, almost able to hear Gin's soft voice whispering stories and jokes to her from across the years. He had always been able to make her laugh.

"He used to do the same kind of thing for me when I started with the Fifth," admitted Kira quietly. "He would stay with me after training and tease and poke at me - I hated it at first. But he talked to me and made me talk...and when he became a captain, he insisted I go to the Third with him. I was so thrilled, so proud that he thought I was worthy.

"I miss him, Rangiku. Renji's a good captain but...he isn't my captain. He was the first person I served under. He�s the one I want." Matsumoto made a soft noise of understanding. Even while he had been in the Fifth, Gin had made a personal project of Kira, keeping him away from Aizen and taking a certain personal interest in the younger man's training. Something in her liquor soaked brain stirred, something about that thought, but her befuddled brain couldn't quite make the leap her intuition was insisting was needed.

There was something about Kira, Gin and Aizen though, some thought that was lurking there waiting for her to understand. She was about to ask Kira when a soft snore drew her attention. She smiled a sad, wistful smile at the blonde head resting on her shoulder, slumbering quietly. She gently kissed his brow and let her own eyes slid shut.

"I'll guard your dreams tonight if you can guard mine, Izuru," she whispered softly in the darkness - wishing for just an instant that Gin was there to guard both of them.

Her eyes flew open a second later as the pieces fell into place in her head - Gin, Kira, Aizen and her. She saw it. She finally saw it! Gin had been protecting them. He had refused her requests to join the Fifth to keep her away from Aizen and he had taken Kira under his wing to keep the younger man out from under their captain's eye. He had seen even then the sort of man Aizen had been and had tried to keep the people he cared about out of his control.

But if Gin had known what sort of a man Aizen was, then why had he stayed with him? Why follow him into exile and abandon everything and everyone he had loved if he knew the monster Aizen Sousuke was?

"What does he have over you, Gin?" she asked the darkness, suddenly afraid for Gin.
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A Shadow of What Was