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A Shadow of What Was	By : katami Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 49594 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Author's Notes: Why does no one believe me when I say Ichigo/Urahara/Grimmjow will not be a pairing for this story? I am a firm Urahara/Ichigo fan. Grimmjow just views Kisuke as a younger brother (I will not mention son because Grimmjow will claw me if I call him mommy one more time *grin*).

And I survived! My writing was slowed considerably, after a twelve hour day I am lucky to manage an hour of writing before things like sleep demand my attention, but the evil is over!

And check out the fabulous fanart zincpiccalilli drew for me. *claps happily* Let's show her love so she keeps drawing!

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Uryuu and Renji were waiting for him at the end of the hall, attaching themselves to him as he walked past, one on each side. There were times he honestly didn't know whether he hated them or loved them, and this was one of them. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to rage and snarl and hate the universe before his broken heart dragged him back into despair. He also knew that the two men were there to help blunt the worse of his emotions, to give him an outlet and comfort. Comfort he wasn't sure he wanted.

"The training grounds or our room?" asked the redhead neutrally.

"Not our room, I just got things in order after your and Kuchiki's little party," growled Uryuu. "Besides, we always end up at the training grounds anyway. Why insert an unnecessary detour?"

Ichigo growled faintly but remained silent.

"So, booze or no booze?" asked Renji.

"Are you sure your liver is up to another night of you trying to poison it?" asked Uryuu, baiting his lover.

When Ichigo turned to head to his room, his friends grabbed his elbows and lifted him from the ground, carrying him toward the corridor and tunnel that led to the training area under the shop. "Put me the fuck down," he growled, not bothering to struggle. He had trudged this path with Uryuu and Renji before - back when Kisuke had first died. Struggling just meant their attempt to beat the hell out of each other started before the training ground rather than at the training ground. So rather then fight and damage the base, which would get Hitsugaya angry at him, he let his friends carry him and tried to convince himself that it was a tactical decision rather than him sulking.

"We need booze for this, Ichigo?" demanded Renji.

He thought about mixing alcohol with the residue of the drugs in his system and then about the explosion that would likely be coming once he started feeling again, once he started realizing that the endless stream of time spanning before him. Time he would be spending alone. Alcohol would not be a good idea.

"No drinking," he said in a stricken whisper, panic welling up inside him at the idea of being alone for centuries. He couldn't face that. Kisuke had been over seven-hundred when he died - Ichigo didn't know exactly how much over because Kisuke didn't. Rukongai orphans didn't get birthdays. He remembered how shocked and amused Kisuke had been when Ichigo had surprised him on the 31st of December with a cake and some stupid idea about making that his birthday. He choked back a sob as he remembered Kisuke's utter delight over blowing out candles and opening the stupid gift Ichigo had gotten him - it had been nothing more than some of his favorite tea but the blonde had been completely charmed by the gesture. They had laughed and kissed and sat on the porch feeding each other cake for half the night before slipping off to bed to celebrate the new year by making love.

They entered the training grounds and Renji and Uryuu released him. "Do we really need to go through the formalities of beating the hell out of each other?" asked Uryuu with a sigh, earning a pout from Renji.

"You're no fun. Best part of the whole fucking system and he wants to get rid of it," the redhead told Ichigo, elbowing him in the ribs.

"You both are bastards," he grumbled.

Ishida sighed and summoned his bow. "Very well, we will proceed with the insanity. You have to the count of five," he told the two Shinigami, drawing his hand back, a shimmering arrow forming. Ichigo sighed and took off running, knowing full well that Ishida would shoot him at point blank range without a second thought - he would shoot to wound, but it still meant Ichigo going to the Fourth with an arrow wound. That Quincy bastard had even shot him in the ass once.

Renji struck first, coming down at him from the right with a vicious swing of Zabimaru. He blocked the blow, cursing as a Quincy arrow grazed his left bicep.

He slid Zangetsu free of Zabimaru and slashed at Renji's midsection. The redhead jumped clear, earning an arrow to the thigh. The shot hit him hard enough to bruise but not penetrate.

"Dammit! That hurt, Uryuu!" snarled Renji, slashing at the Quincy, who easily evaded the blow and fired another shot at his lover. Ichigo chuckled despite himself and once more earned their loving attention. An arrow set him up to get a nasty slash across the right thigh from Zabimaru.

He retaliated with a wicked Getsuga Tenshou at the Quincy, missing Uryuu, but pelting him with rocks and debris. Renji darted into the cloud of dust and Ishida fled with a wound across his midsection, a minor cut that was little more than a line of red. The look on his face made it clear that Renji would be getting some of his attention though. "You are sewing that, Abarai. Three ruined shirts in twenty-four goddamn hours," grumbled the archer, making Ichigo chuckle. There were times having Ishida and Renji as friends was worth it and when Ishida got snippy was one of them. Provided one could stay out of the line of fire.

Half a dozen blue arrows launched themselves at the cloud and Renji shouted outrage before another barrage was turned on Ichigo. He made a rude squawk and leapt aside, dodging arrows with little grace - but managed not to get hit. While he cursed and avoided more arrows, Renji sent Zabimaru at Ishida, sending the dark-haired man to the ground to avoid the blow. Ichigo struck at the redhead while he was focusing on the Quincy, whacking him with the flat of his blade.

Renji twisted to try and slash at him and Ichigo leapt clear only to leap back and whack the redhead on the other side. Urahara had loved to pull that move and it had taken Ichigo longer than he liked to admit, and far more bruises, to get it right.

They continued to hack and slash at each other, pulling blows so they left only minor cuts and bruises. The Fourth did tend to yell when two captains and a Quincy came in sporting too many injuries from what was supposed to be just some friendly sparring. The members of the Fourth were good guys but they didn't realize the necessity of beating the hell out of each other in times of stress. In fact, they had filed several reports the first time Ishida and Renji had begun their unorthodox form of therapy with him.

An hour later - all of them sweaty, bloody and bruised - they called a halt to the fight. They all slid to the ground, leaning against one of the large outcropping, trying to regain their breath. "Drinks?" panted Uryuu.

"Flip ya for it," mumbled Renji, digging out a coin and tossing it in the air.

A blue shot streaked past and hit the coin. "Heads," purred the Quincy, smirking like a cat who'd just swallowed a canary.

"Cheating Quincy bastard," muttered Renji fondly, laying a fast, hard kiss on the other man before dragging himself to his feet. He was back a few moments later with drinks. He handed Ichigo a soda and tossed a bottled water at Uryuu who caught it easily.

"So how bad was it?" asked Renji, sliding back down and opening his own soda.

"He doesn't want to be with me. Doesn't want anything to do with me really," whispered Ichigo, staring at the bottle and trying to block out the hurt. Trying to ignore the great looming future of emptiness opening up before him. A life without hope or love. "He won't even let me touch him."

Uryuu was frowning at him, clearly trying to put things together in his head.

"Did he say why?" asked Renji

"No, he didn't want me there and he didn't want to talk," whispered Ichigo, drawing his knees up to his chest and laying his head against them. He was so tired. So very tired. And he was bleeding again from that gapping wound inside him, the one he had taken when Kisuke had died, the one that had never healed.

"Urahara never was big on full disclosure," muttered Renji and Ichigo nodded. He had loved Kisuke but even he knew that the other man had had secrets. He had accepted it. There were darker areas of his lover's past, things that the older man didn't want to share, didn't want to think about. Ichigo had understood that because he'd had his own secrets and demons.

Uryuu made a soft noise of agreement, before adding his thoughts. "He was scared. He could get away so he did what he could to make you go away."

"But why would the kid lie? And why to Ichigo? Especially if he really is Urahara?" demanded Renji, taking a huge gulp of his sports drink.

"Well, look at it from Mizuno-kun's perspective. You two have always been hard to figure out, Ichigo. And Mizuno-kun doesn't have the full story, unless something has changed a great deal since I spoke with him. He is trying to solve a puzzle when he doesn't know what the picture is supposed to be and someone is hiding pieces from him. He has all this data that he has no context for it. That has to be jarring.

"Toss in a case of Stockholm Syndrome and probably a little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it would make anyone flinch."

"What's this Stockholm thingy?" asked Renji.

"It's a condition that can occur in kidnapping cases; it's when the victim bonds with his kidnappers. In this case the waters get even more muddled because the Arrancar probably didn't want to hurt Urahara so they were nice to him. Also, in a way they did save him. If not for them, he would have been taken by Aizen. Something like that is bound to muddle things in a person's head.

"And that's ignoring the intensity of your relationship with Urahara. Dumping all that emotion into the lap of a seventeen year old kid - it's just asking for trouble. It's bound to scare him. Especially when it's just there, no build up, just all these feelings and all this passion."

"So you think he was lying about how much he knew, to what? Protect himself?" asked Ichigo.

"I think it was his way of trying to stall for time to get it all sorted out. He has all these things happening to him - most of them way beyond his control. The one thing he can control is how close he lets you get, so he exercises it. To give himself some space to breathe in and some room to work."

Ichigo nodded slowly. "So you're saying I should wait?"

"I'm saying you shouldn't push at him. Give him time to recover and remember at his own pace. In the last five days his world has been turned on its head and he's just trying to get his bearings," murmured Uryuu. "I think Urahara is in there, Mizuno just doesn't remember him yet and that scares him. Give him some time to become comfortable and I suspect Urahara will emerge."

Ichigo stared at him, not wanting to hope, not sure his heart could take another blow, but unwilling and unable to give up on Kisuke.
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A Shadow of What Was