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Breath Apart	By : BookMaggot Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male > Ukitake/Shunsui Views: 4483 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: None of Bleach do I own, nor do I make any money, I cannot reap what I have not sown, so please do not sue me!

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Egads I updated! Dance a merry dance!

But hold the eggnog, because I am not thrilled with this chapter >_< I'ma little rusty, out of practice and I needed to recapture the emotion of this story after leaving it for so long, a lot of stuff was working against me on this one, but let's hope it came out okay >_>

As I was writing this chapter I noticed something very interesting, it is pretty hard to write Shunsui in an emotional state. He strikes me as someone who would brush a solid emotion reaction off and try and make it as if nothing happened. Jushiro on the other hand is someone more in touch with his emotions and is much easier to write.

Still, I bargained on Shunsui reacting because he would feel even more guilty if he just brushed this off while his best friend is so obviously suffering. My opinion, but if you guys think it was a bad move, just let me know and I'll get his ass in character by the next chapter ^_^

Sake and Sunsets

Shunsui Kyaroku sat on the roof top of his division's offices, sipping sake.

The tiled roof had created a pocket of heat, his hat was missing and the high summer sun had burned his already tanned skin, but he'd barely noticed. He took a sip of sweet rice wine, and kept his gaze focused on the horizon, watching as the intense sun began to slide away for the evening.

It was hard to believe anything had ever happened really. The world seemed so... peaceful from up here. As if everything was still the same, as if his best friend wasn't lying in a bed because of him. He wanted to believe that, to believe everything was alright. but the cuts on his feet, bruises on his arms and hands, and fierce pain in his heart was hard and hurtful proof that nothing was peaceful about tonight.

A cool breeze whipped at his hair. Winter was coming early this year, he thought sadly.

There'd been a part of him that wanted to pretend as if nothing had happened, like he usually did when something bad or shocking came his way. But he couldn't. He felt as if he would be betraying his best friend, and that's something he could never do, could never bare to do.

His hand gripped the cup tighter, and he quickly pushed down the sickening feeling that came with that thought, but it didn't stop the guilt from pushing up again and digging its claws deeper into his soul.

Shunsui sighed dejectedly, he could barely think of anything other than Jushiro right now. All he could see in his head was pained green eyes staring up at him. Pain that he had put there. Gods it tore him up, broke him in ways no hollow, force, enemy or demon had ever done. He swallowed stiffly. He had barely touched the sake, when he was this upset he could never drink, and now was no different. He had drunk one cup, and was now steadily pilfering away at his second, but he doubted he would finish it before the sun went down.

Which was in less than an hour.

He rubbed his brow where a nasty headache was beginning to form.

How could he have done this? It might have been a hollow, it might have been that purple smoke, that poison but how could he have hurt him in such a way? It should never have happened, he should have been stronger.

Down below he could see Shinnigami steadily heading out of the barracks. Talking and laughing about something or other. Nanao had been no where to be seen since he'd got back, she must have sensed his reitsu was off and had let him be. Making a mental note to give that girl a bonus, he sighed deeply before returning his gaze back to the sky.

He felt sick, he'd thrown up three times already, there wasn't much left in his stomach, but he could feel his jaw slacken again at the mere thought of what had transpired only hours before. He pursed his lips, trying to stop a fourth retch, a single thought burning in his mind; would Jushiro ever forgive him? That thought terrified him to the core, what if he and Jushiro never made up?

He closed his eyes, he could never live with that.

“Captain Kyaroku?”

The voice started him out of his reverie and he turned to find Retsu Unohana standing on the rooftop but six feet away. He wanted to smile, oh gods he wanted to, but nothing he did could bring that expression to his face, and he simply accepted it, nodded to her and said;

“Sempai,” he paused, he hadn't called her that in a while, at least not to her face. But it was oddly comforting to know that there was someone older than him that at least understood what had happened, what they'd been through. The feeling was not unlike the one he would get with his elder brother, that comfort to know that he would be there to catch him. Some part of him knew it was only a made-up illusion, but for now an illusion he would hang onto with tooth and claw. He looked at her, “What brings you here?”

She smiled sweetly, “I came to check up on you,”

“I'm fine,” he said, but he wasn't even trying to convince her and she saw right through him with little effort, “How's Jushiro?” he asked, changing the subject.

She surprised him by sitting down by his side, picking up a spare saucer and pouring herself a cup. She never did that. “Better,” came the reply before taking a small sip, “He was awake for a few minutes but he was still a little tired,”

He nodded, “He'll be alright then?'

“Oh yes,” she said with confidence but no arrogance, “His physical wounds will be healed in less than a week,”

“But not his mental ones,” he said and finally found the ability to laugh, albeit bitterly.

Retsu didn't say anything, and Shunsui chose to remain silent as well. The sky was turning now, changing, the colours shifting into gorgeous lights of pink, orange and yellow. The clouds caught the beams, in turn becoming like exotic flavours of cotton candy. Jushiro always loved sunsets.

He promptly looked away, unable to think of his friend, and stared solemnly at his saucer of sake, dipping his finger in and rubbing the smooth porcelain. The silence wasn't stifling, it was calm in some ways, and though Shunsui was surprised Retsu was still there he wasn't ungrateful, the company was very welcome.

“How are you doing?” she asked, and this time he knew she expected an honest answer from him.

Lying, he felt, was the best option, but what would that achieve? He could already feel the pressure, fear, anxiety and terror building. Having done something so unforgivable, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he exploded. It wasn't healthy to keep things bottled up. In his 2000 years of existence he had at least learned that, often the hard way. She wasn't watching him, but he could feel the gentle pressure, guiding him to answer her.

He sighed.

“I already told you what happened” he said, his throat tightening at the mere thought. Shunsui wanted to bury his head in his arms and cry until his heart broke, but resisted viciously. He had to be strong dammit, if not for his sake then at least for Jushiro's. He wasn't the victim here, Jushiro was...

Then why do you feel like you're the one who'd been hurt? A small voice pestered, one which he chose to ignore.

“Yes you did,” she said, patient as a saint. “But that's not an answer to my question.”

“I feel like my intestines want to fall out because I raped my best friend,” he said and took a small sip from his sake, “That better?” Perhaps he had said to shock her into silence, to get her to leave him alone. But he knew it wasn't that, mostly he just wanted it to go away. To just ignore it...

Everything would be so much easier if he just ignored it.

“It wasn't your choice, you know it was an accident-” she started, but Shunsui cut her off.

“Yes, it was just an accident,” he said bitterly, “I just fell into him, out of him, and fell into him again a few dozen times,”

She gave him a sharp look and he winced. That was a poor thing to say, he realized and immediately felt more guilt push up, “Sorry,” he took another sip of sake, “I'm just feeling really sick,”

“That will pass,”

He frowned, “It shouldn't have to.” he swallowed and glared silently at his cup, "This shouldn't have to pass, there shouldn't be anything like this that needs to pass. Because it should never have happened, it should never have happened..." he was rambling, he was honest to god rambling, he hadn't done that in years. Retsu was making him feel like a boy, like a five year old.

“I understand" her voice was gentle, and he stayed quiet this time. A soft hand touched his shoulder but he couldn't find the energy to look up, "But it isn't your fault,"

He made to retort, but her voice cut him off before he could get a word out.

“That Hollow, or whatever it was, that thing was at fault,” her hand tightened, trying to emphasis her point, “It forced you to do something that I doubt any of us could have resisted. There are powerful creatures out there, and you happened to come across one neither you or Jushiro had been prepared for,”

Her other hand touched his face and gently turned it to her, and he allowed it, finding the need for comfort almost unbearable but so welcome. The emptiness and depression leaving little strength to fight.

“It wasn't anyone's fault,” she smiled and stroked his face, “You have to believe that, Shunsui”

“Will he see it that way?” he asked, desperately trying to keep his voice and emotions under control.

She frowned, “You know Jushiro,” she said, soothingly running her fingers through his hair, “He'll never blame you for anything,”

Shunsui laughed tightly before turning away from her again, “That's the problem,” he said before finally downing his sake before pouring himself another cup “He will never tell me if anything is really wrong,”

Silence loomed, thick and suffocating this time. The sun had set, the colours now a myriad of faded purples and dark grays. They both remained silent, quietly drinking their sake, each lost to their own thoughts. It would be another ten minutes before Retsu would say anything.

“Just give him time,” she said, keeping her eyes focused on the darkening horizon, “He will need space for a while from-”

“Me,”

“From everyone,” she said as if he hadn't said anything, “He needs space and time, as do you,”

“I'm not-”

“Don't deny it, you've been hurt as much as he has,” he fell silent in the wake of such a terrifying stare, “Take some time off, get some rest, and if you need to talk, I'll be here,”

“Doctor's orders?' he asked with a wane smile.

She smiled back, “You bet your ass it is,”

He smiled as she stood up to leave, placing the fine porcelain cup next to him.

“Thank you,” he called as she started to the end of the roof.

She only nodded before disappearing down the side. He watched her go, and then Shunsui leaned back and rested his head on the tiled roof. He watched she sky as the stars began to appear, sweeping across the darkness. The sickness in his stomach hadn't left completely, but a new sense of relief had wormed its way through the hurt and despair. He should have been stronger, he knew that, he should have resisted, should have fought it but if Retsu believed that he wasn't responsible then he wasn't going to argue.

Because right now, it was the only thing that stopped the guilt from eating him alive.

* * *

I honestly never thought I would update this story again >_> But life is full of surprises! ^_^
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Breath Apart