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A Grudge's Decision	By : toujourseveille Category: Bleach > General Views: 6010 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, its fandom, or any of its characters. I make no profit from writing this story.

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A/N: I'm sorry for how late this is. I don't have nice-sounding excuses, and I'm a little afraid that I won't do the wait justice.

I'll save all my notes for the end. /rubs temples

(Just a quick thing—don't take the timestamps at face value; take them in a relative light. This is also unbeta'd.)

(03) 「お大事に」 Take Care of Yourself

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:: it's not your fault

"That's bullshit."

"Ichigo—"

"Why the hell else would he do it if I didn't deserve it?"

"…"

"If… if it wasn't my fault, what reason would he have to… hurt me like—that?"

"…"

"…"

"…I don't know."

"…"

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(something of late october.) :: don't

She walks in, looking like she has something to say.

(She closes her mouth.)

He looks at her from his futon. Waiting. Raising his eyebrows, goading her to speak.

(All while feeling nauseous, because he doesn't want to know what she thinks at all.)

Dawdling, she wets her lips. Ichigo fidgets, tugging at the comforter slightly—

—making sure not to jar the bottle of pills hidden in his pillowcase. Technically, he's supposed to be weaning off the stronger anxiolytics.

(And technically, they should be in Urahara's custody.)

She adopts a pained, critical look—for a second, he worries he's been found out, but he knows that's not true.

He narrows his eyes, though, daring her to judge him.

(It's four in the afternoon, and he's still in bed.)

She just looks away.

She doesn't know how to deal with this tactfully; she doesn't know if it's okay to say what she wants to say.

'I hate watching you like this.'

She turns to leave, hand briefly on the doorframe.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye… Rukia."

He says it to her back.

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(around a month) :: eggshells

Ichigo is physically afraid of him.

Urahara's good at not taking things personally when it's not personal, but this is different.

It is personal.

It's not a matter of subjective insecurity or the mind's illusion of self-relevance; Ichigo literally does not trust him with his safety—consciousness regardless—and it hurts his feelings.

He's an adult. He can tell himself 'It's not about you' and 'He can't help it' a million times and in a million different ways, but it doesn't make it less personal. It doesn't ease the soreness he feels.

It doesn't quell his frustration when Ichigo takes a step back when he takes a step forward.

He knows that his moral character is questionable—he even questions it sometimes—but he would never hurt Ichigo like that. And he knows that, on an intellectual level, Ichigo understands that and gives it a measure of credence; after all, they live under the same roof.

'Or is that just because Ichigo has nowhere else to go?'

.

He's started to hate himself a little.

Ever since that night in early September, he has woken up criticizing himself. Criticizing himself for not being able to prevent Isshin from abusing Ichigo, criticizing himself for egoistic feelings of hurt, criticizing his past misdeeds, his personality—and laughably, criticizing his own masculinity.

(If he were built more like Ishida Uryuu, would Ichigo be able to sleep more than two hours a night?)

Tessai tells him he's doing his best (he usually makes his attack when Urahara hides in his laboratory to brood), but he still feels miserable. He can only feign patience when things are past his power to change them—because, contrary to his self-talk, he thinks 'just being there is enough' is a platitudinous crock of shit. But he has decades of experience under his belt—he will not make the folly of taking his ineffectuality out on Ichigo just because Ichigo is central to the issue.

The kids aren't doing so well with that. Ichigo's still Ichigo, but they treat him like a stranger and grieve as if he has died. It's probably a little easier to frame it that way when there's nearly nothing that can be done to help.

(They're young like that, but then again, everyone's too young for this.)

He deals with it, though. Urahara deals with it in the only way he knows how—clinically. Impersonally. Feelings become less pertinent when you boil things down to a science; facts and figures aren't vehicles of rage or despair or helplessness.

It only puts the ache to the back burner, but it's a good distraction.

He has stack of observation notes on his worktable about Ichigo's physiological reactions to different degrees of proximity to different people. If Urahara treats his interaction with him like a case file, he feels like he can stave off his self-loathing for at least seventy percent of the day.

The other thirty percent, though, he struggles not to pick himself apart.

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Subject Reaction to Urahara Kisuke:

involuntary 7-ft. berth when cognizant of presence; (note: amplified cognizance past 5pm, XR SSRI tabs. = decreased arousal/energy from morning through late afternoon; decreased hypervigilance/movement capacity on tranquilizers, "safety distance" may not be applicable or as rigid.)

muscle tension when space doesn't permit default (note: extent varies as the configuration of the limiting enclosure varies; so far, correlationally consistent that (I) exposure-to-vision-range ratio OR (II) enclosure-to-escape-route ratio is directly prprt. to muscle tenseness, also: breaths/min., bpm, other passive fear reactions; movement of subject under perceived threat in multi-strata exposure states needs more observation to call pattern)

5-ft. threshold; start of active fear reactions: retreating (if possible), paling, visible recoil, tremors, shallow breathing, word-salad, truncated sentences/"dead-ending," occ. mutism

3-ft. threshold (SD=1.2); freezing, dissociation, signs of psychosis/flashback; isolated incident of hyperventilation; general effects lifespan Max 3.5 hrs./min 15 min.

3-ft. (); automatic self-defense, variant, no clear strategy

in practice, best approach method is slow and oblique (opt. ±30°, between direct and peripheral), specifying a neutral target, avoid "bee-lining" and raising of hands; needs a well-lit area, notification at min 11 ft./Max 15 ft. to avoid surprise/anticipation respectively

optimal speaking distance at 9-10 ft.

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(eighty-ish days.) :: it's not like that at all

It's strange.

When he thinks back to That Night—he's gotten a little braver about this—the first image that pops into his head is not violation.

Ichigo sees himself being slapped for the first time.

The slap. A slap, for Chrissake.

It was probably the most benign of the things that happened, but for some reason, it engraved itself into his memory.

His father had never slapped him before.

They brawled, roughhoused. Used fists like "real men." Sure, he'd get a couple bruises, but so would Isshin. He hadn't taken it personally. He always thought it was in good humor.

(Makes him feel a little sick and a little isolated now that he suspects it wasn't.)

It's not that the slap hurt, no. Sword blades hurt, slaps are ridiculous—

But it was horrible.

It was just really, really fucking horrible. Horrible in ways he couldn't understand.

(He hadn't felt like that since he was nine, searching the riverbanks.)

Maybe it was because it was the first time he saw his father without the pretenses.

A moment of straight-up candor. Almost like Isshin said 'This is what my honesty is like' with the back of his hand—that everything before that instant was cheap.

Or maybe it was because he already understood how inauthentic it was—whatever 'it' was—and the privilege of ignoring it all was taken away.

A lot of maybes.

But really, he doesn't know why. He doesn't expect to, either.

(He hates speculating.)

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(month point five.) :: they try

He knows it's not true.

But it's supposed to provoke him. It's supposed to draw out the Old Ichigo.

He expects righteous anger, violence; he's at a loss for words when Ichigo takes his stupid, inflammatory comment sincerely.

(Ichigo's looking at the floor now. Shaking. Head bowed, voice heavy and full.)

"I didn't want it, Renji."

The guilt burns in his chest when he sees Ichigo hiding his face with his hands, trying to look strong—smother the hitch in his breath.

"…You—know me better than that, you fucking retard…"

"…"

(There's no 'Old Ichigo.' He's standing right here.)

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(kentucky fried's prepping for japan's christmas.) :: is a virtue

"I'm always trying to be patient with you, Kurosaki, but you won't DO ANYTHING!"

"If you'd just wait long enough without BITCHING AT ME—"

"You say that every single time, and I DO! I wait. I wait and I wait, then nothing happens, and then we end up back at this exact same conversation!"

"THAT–… That is so–… Stop acting like this is my fault! I didn't ASK for this!"

"I'm not saying you did! But that doesn't give you an excuse to not own up to anything. It doesn't give you an excuse to never go outside again. It doesn't give you an EXCUSE NOT TO EAT—do you know how fucking hard we're trying to take care of you?"

"Oh, oh—well good for you—you're being so altruistic right now. Putting yourself out to take care of "little old me"—FUCK YOU! I don't owe you anything!"

"Kurosaki! This– This isn't about me! It's about YOU, and YOU owe it to yourself to get better!"

"And that's so easy with all you guys nagging me all the time and making me feel guilty about things I CAN'T freaking do. I can't do it—why don't you GET THAT? You say it's about me, but you're making it about you!"

"…Do you know how ungrateful that sounds?"

"Holy shit—see, you're doing it again! Why do I need to be grateful to you? I did not ask you to help—and why should I be grateful for you YELLING AT ME FOR NOT GETTING BETTER all the damn time? You've done nothing for me except make me feel worse!"

"You make you feel worse! We just want to help. We spend every day with you—"

"Now you're making me feel guilty again! And 'want to–'"

"."

"…You always do this—Jesus, I… You know what? I give up. I give up."

"Where are you—don't you walk away from here."

"I'm getting my stuff! 'Cause I'd do better anywhere other than here…"

"And where would you go? The streets? Because that would go down real well in this weather."

"…"

"Or do you plan to go back to the house where your father beat and raped—"

"Shut up, Ishida. Just shut up."

"…"

"…"

"…How would you take care of yourself?"

"I'll probably be just fine without you people breathing down my neck—"

"Ichigo…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I… I don't know…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…I'm sorry. I'm just… I don't know."

"…"

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(nine days.) :: know what's good for you

Urahara asks her if she's all right, and she thinks it's weird.

(Ichigo was the one who was hurt.)

"You should never have seen something like that."

"…Does it really matter right now?"

Urahara sighs, frowning.

He tries not to look bitter. (Karin sees it anyway.)

"I don't regret stopping Dad."

He knows.

"I didn't say that."

(She's a lot like her brother.)

Urahara drops the topic.

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(two months, maybe) :: take it to the grave

"Oyaji misses you."

[…]

"I think… That's why he… did it, I think."

[…]

"…"

[…]

"He hurt me really bad, Mom… I still don't know what to do."

[…]

"…"

[…]

"…Do I really look that much like you?"

[…]

"I mean—I have your hair. And I guess I have your eyes, but…"

[…]

"I dunno."

[…]

"I think he hates me. But I don't think he hates me—does that make sense?"

[…]

"…"

[…]

"…"

[…]

"I miss you, you know."

[…]

"…"

[…]

"And honestly, I…"

[…]

"I… I sorta miss Dad, too."

[…]

"—He's in jail for a reason, I know. But I do, I…"

[…]

"You know what I mean."

[…]

"…"

[…]

"The, ah… girls are doing fine. I have some good friends taking care of them."

[…]

"I'm trying to let them take care of me, too, but—I don't know…"

[…]

"I've… said some pretty harsh things I'm not proud of… to them lately. I know they're doing their best to help me, but I can't—I mean…"

[…]

"I know it's stupid, but sometimes… Sometimes it doesn't feel like they're on my side."

[…]

"…"

[…]

I'm gonna keep trying, okay?"

[…]

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(not snowing as much, now.) :: it is / shouldn't be your responsibility

"I can't do this. I can't watch you like this."

She half-turns, fingers tented on the bridge of her nose. Jaw clenched, swallowing, she tries to regain control of her voice—clear out the vulnerable-sounding warble.

"Listen—I'm sorry, okay?"

He's being sincere, but he doesn't sound like it. Not to her.

"NO– No. Just stop it. You keep saying that over and over again, but you don't—ever MEAN IT!"

"RUKIA! I— What can I do? What the hell can I do to make you believe me?"

"You could start by acting like you give a shit about your life!"

"I do—"

"No…" —Thickens in her throat. She tries to squint to make her eyes stop watering. "No, you don't. You're… You're…"

She chokes a little. "You're not even trying anymore."

He looks shocked. It quickly turns into a look of offense.

Then rage.

"You don't know anything…" He speaks darkly, in alarming calm. "You don't know how fucking hard I try to get through a single fucking day—"

She makes a violent, imploring gesture with her hands as she speaks.

"No, of course I don't! I'm not YOU! But from here, it damn well looks like you've given up!"

"Yeah, and we always do face value—that's our relationship, right there!"

"Ichigo– You don't get it. I'd know if I were being irrational about this. If this was just some stupid, baseless worry, I'd keep it to myself, but you—"

"I already told you—I already told everybody that I'm not suicidal!"

"…"

"…"

"…How are we supposed to believe that? Ichigo, it'd be a different story if we haven't found you at the bottom of the bathtub before. It'd be a different story– if we haven't found you passed out with alcohol—do you know how dangerous that is with your—"

"I KNOW! I know, I know, I know—it was stupid, and I'm sorry!"

"I don't believe you! See, I don't know… I don't know if I'm going to walk into some room and find you dead—I don't know! You've done nothing… to make me believe that you want to—stay alive, I—"

She hides her face in her hands and tries to stifle a sharp breath.

"No, that's not fair. You can't start crying now. You can't guilt me with this."

But he already feels guilty and she just starts to cry harder.

"D–… Do you honestly—think I want to—HAVE this conversation with you?" She uncovers her face—barks through angry tears. "I want you to want you to live! I don't… I don't want to—be your reminder, Ichigo!"

He looks away. He doesn't want to be affected by her—he wants to be angry with her. But Rukia (Unshakeable Rukia) crying still takes the wind out of his sails.

(They're both better than this.)

"Rukia…" He murmurs. "Whether… you believe me or not, I… I do want to live. I… know it looks bad sometimes, but…"

"…"

"I'm just…" He sighs and scrubs at his head. "I'm just trying to figure things out."

Tears slowing, a stressed glower. (Overwrought—she's overwrought and not letting go.)

"You've had–…months to 'figure things out.'"

"Rukia—"

"The Ichigo I know… The Ichigo I know wouldn't let something like this stop him from LIVING HIS LIFE!"

(She winces. She'd raised her voice higher than she thought she was going to.)

"…"

"…"

He fixes her with a stony glare. Straightens his back.

"Well, I guess I'm not the Ichigo you know."

The impact of her own words catches up with her. "Ichigo—I didn't mean—"

"No, no—it's alright, I'm sorry."

He laughs weakly—pushes off the wall, starts a slow circle around the room. (Hands in his pockets.)

She feels unnerved.

"I'm sorry for… not meeting your expectations. …I'm… sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry for changing, I'm sorry for not recovering FAST ENOUGH for you—I'M JUST REALLY FUCKING SORRY!"

He stops, shaking in indignant anger.

"…Where do you get off? It's not your place to—judge me when you don't even… When you've never even…" He bites his lip, trying to will the surge of unwanted emotion away. Trying not to react to that feeling of injustice knotting in his stomach.

He can't.

Instead, he turns head.

"Ichigo…?"

"This conversation is done. I can't deal with you right now."

"But—"

"I SAID IT'S DONE!"

He walks away, brusquely, not looking back.

(Doesn't want to see the look on her face.)

He slams the bathroom door behind him—paces, tries to massage the ache out of his temples. The skin on his face is tight as he struggles not to replay the things she said, the things he said.

It's frustrating. It's frustrating how far the situation is out of everyone's frame of reference.

He shouldn't have to… educate her about the ins and outs of his experience to have her compassion. He shouldn't have to educate anyone to be understood. He shouldn't have to be doing any of this.

He shouldn't have to try this hard.

He knows he hasn't been a good friend lately. He hasn't been Kindest Person of the Month. He knows that, but—

'Why won't anyone be nice to me?'

His eyes blur.

He holds his breath when he feels the heaving impulse in his lungs. It doesn't matter what he's been told—he still feels ashamed of his own tears. Still feels ashamed of how hurt his feelings are.

Ichigo buries his face into a bath towel, trying to quiet himself.

(He doesn't want her to hear.)

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A/N: …Jesus Christ, that was rough. I'm really sorry for the content of this chapter. I OD'ed on humanity.

Well…

Aha ha… This thing here literally took me a grand thirteen attempts to write it. Those thirteen attempts spawned 27 different drabbles, near 10,000 WC, and uh… semi-conflicting information with wildly different aesthetics (and not different in the good way; it was not cohesive, yet it was short of artistic randomness). That is why this chapter is but 3,000 words. I put my (pretty hefty) insecurity about re-orchestrating and posting this on a scale with my desire to be fucking done with these particular drabbles, and I… think you can see what won.

Uh—Urahara's observation notes, to remark, were entirely self-created. While the comments are considerably educated theories and a few things are drawn from direct experience, it was not a representation of a professional opinion. (I DUN HAB A LICENSE.)

Aaand... These A/Ns are now abridged, as it seems I have violated TOS. Oops.

I hope to post notes on the psychology of this story in a topic called "A Grudge's Decision" under "Anime/Manga > Bleach > General" in the AFF forum...
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A Grudge's Decision