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A Shadow of What Was	By : katami Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 49594 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Author's Notes: Nothing to worry about in this chapter except for my changes to Bleach history, but I already warned you about that and the reason behind it. Sorry folks. We have lots of angst and sex coming though, because I am a sucker for both - that and my muse has a number of bad influences urging her on.

Once again, many thanks to all those who have reviewed and read this story. I love knowing people are enjoying this work.

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He was doubled over, panting harshly, sweat pouring off him. There was something he was missing. Some integral connection that was not being made in his head. Kisuke didn�t understand it. He had performed kidou spells before, powerful ones, and yet when called on to perform a simple spell without the benefit of a life-or-death situation he couldn�t.

He had never not been good at anything and didn�t like the feeling. Well, that wasn�t entirely true, he couldn�t carry a tune in a bucket and his poetry was dreadful, but he had never been stumped by something he applied himself to. It was beginning to frustrate him. The weariness kidou practice left him feeling also annoyed him. It was like all the energy was sucked out of his body. He had nearly passed out the first time he tried to cast a spell without Urahara guiding him.

He needed to be able to perform kidou in order to get released though. Grimmjow and Ulquoirra had both been clear about that. They needed to contact all the Shinigami captains to make their point, not just the ones stationed in the human realm. Kisuke could understand their reasoning; people they had been fighting for nearly a quarter of a century were not going to be eager to deal. They needed to make their case to the whole Shinigami leadership to get their asylum.

The problem was he couldn�t do kidou. Something was just not connecting in his head. He couldn�t figure out what he was missing. The Arrancar were no help as they didn�t use kidou and weren�t that familiar with it. Actually, Grimmjow tried to help but he just didn�t know enough about how the Shinigami spells worked to be of any use. He had explained cero blasts and a few of the Arrancar's spells to Kisuke, but while the theory seemed to be similar, it wasn't close enough to help him. And Ulquoirra didn�t care to help unless it was to create a life-or-death situation for him. He wasn't that desperate yet.

He had managed to get his terror of Ulquoirra down to manageable levels mostly by ignoring and avoiding the former Espada. And the few times he couldn�t, Grimmjow was there to help smooth their interactions and cushion them from each other.

Loath though he was to admit it of a person who�d kidnapped him, Kisuke was finding himself genuinely fond Grimmjow Jeagerjaques. He was rude, abrasive, and annoying as hell, but the cat-like man told him the truth. And he was beginning to appreciate that, even when the truth was frightening or hurtful.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and forced his exhausted body upright. �Take a break, Kitten,� ordered Grimmjow. The former 6th Espada refused to use his name and Kisuke hadn�t been able to devise any way to make him. When he ignored the Arrancar, Grimmjow just physically fetched him, and the man could try the patience of a saint when he wanted to be annoying. Kisuke hated to admit it, but he had met his match for sheer stubborn obnoxiousness. This whole kidnapping was turning out to be quite humbling.

�I�m working,� he muttered. He might not have been able to master kidou, but it wasn�t from lack of trying. He took it as a personal challenge to master the craft and the Arrancar were getting a firsthand lesson on just how stubborn he could be when intellectually challenged.

�Ya need to eat something and rest, brat. Now, come on,� growled Grimmjow, grabbing him and tossing him over his shoulder. Kisuke growled but didn�t bother kicking or screaming as he had done the first time the ex-Espada pulled the stunt. It was futile to raise a fuss when the only person to help was Ulquoirra and he didn�t care.

Grimmjow dropped him down as far as possible from Ulquoirra while still keeping him in their sleeping area and Kisuke glared at them both. Two days with the Arrancar had begun to drain him of his fear and spark his curiosity. The only reason he hadn�t started demanding information on the two Arrancar was the vague worry that Ulquoirra might get fed up and do him harm. Grimmjow would just stomp off if his questioning grew too persistent, but Ulquoirra was still hard for him to read.

He began nibbling on the convenience store junk the ex-Espada had picked up, not really hungry until he looked down and noticed that he had eaten not only his dinner but also a good portion of the food Grimmjow had slipped him. �Are we any closer to being able to perform the spell?� demanded Ulquoirra.

�Lay off the kitten. He�s doing the best he can. Only fucking human I�ve ever seen to even perform kidou,� retorted Grimmjow, making Kisuke smile faintly. The two continued to snap and snarl at each other, but Kisuke ignored them, with his belly full and a full day of kidou practice behind him he found himself drifting off easily.

"Knowledge is neither good nor evil, Jyuushiro. It's like power, totally devoid morality. It's only how we use it that's good or bad," murmured Kisuke, placing a white stone on the go board.

"He is right there. One point for the baby," laughed Shunsui, sharing a grin with Yoruichi from where they were lounging on the bed.

Jyuushiro cast a quick look at his friend and Kisuke glared at him. He might have been the youngest of their little group of four but he was not a baby!

"As I was saying, before we were so rudely interrupted," murmured the pale-haired noble, "Just because the knowledge itself is not inherently evil doesn't mean it can't be too dangerous to be widely known. Not everyone will have the maturity or morality to use the knowledge wisely, for the greater good. And even you have to agree that a little bit of knowledge in the wrong hands can be dangerous, Kisuke."

"Jyuushiro makes a good point too. What's the score again, Shunsui?" purred Yoruichi.

"I think they're tied - five to five."

"If you two can't say anything productive, you could try something novel and shut up," murmured Kisuke.

"But why would we do that? This is much more fun. And how is black at the 7-8 intersect for constructive?" laughed Yoruichi, her eyes filled with merriment.

"Great, if you want Jyuushro to lose. And why shouldn't we try and learn all we can? Do all we can to get stronger, better ourselves?" asked Kisuke, turning his attention back to the board and his opponent.

"There's nothing wrong with bettering ourselves, but we should always evaluate the costs, shouldn't we? Is it really bettering anything if we gain strength from killing or oppressing others? Or what if the cost of our strength is the endangering of countless others? Do we have the right to risk them without their knowledge or permission? Power is a responsibility, after all, not a right."

Kisuke shot awake and shoved the remembered dream away hard. He didn�t want to remember! Didn�t want to become a man who could do such things. He wouldn�t let Urahara come back, couldn�t let him come back.

Urahara was the one who knew how to do kidou though. He was the one with the knowledge. Kisuke sat huddled in his sleeping bag, legs drawn up and his arms around them. Somehow he had to get what he wanted from Urahara. Every time the other man emerged though, he got�lost. Forgot himself. The memories got clearer but he grew dimmer and Kisuke knew that one of these times he wasn�t going to come back. One of these times it was going to be him who got shoved into the shadows and Urahara who stayed out here.

He shivered and tried to understand it all, how someone so brilliant could be so careless. He wasn�t evil, Kisuke knew that like he knew his name. As much as he wanted to make the man the villain, he knew Urahara wasn�t. He wasn�t a bad person. He just wasn�t a very good one either.

There was a hardness in Urahara, a willingness to be brutal and do what he thought needed to be done. It wasn�t a matter of good or evil with him. It was survival.

Kisuke sighed and let his head fall onto his knees. Thinking about it wasn�t doing him any good. He could analyze Urahara all he wanted, but it didn�t get him any closer to figuring out how to do kidou. And it didn�t get him any closer to making peace with the man.

Exhaustion dragged his eyes closed as he whispered a small prayer that no more dreams would come.

�It�s not that hard, Yoruichi,� he laughed, sitting on a rock, watching and trying not to laugh as Yoruichi once again failed to perform the spell. She glared at him, so Kisuke was careful to repress his mirth. If he laughed she would give up on the kidou practice and just kick his ass.

Yoruichi was wicked with her fists and feet, way better than him. The only reason he didn�t walk around black and blue was that he could weave and dodge better than even Yoruichi. A childhood in the Rukongai all but guaranteed that he could move like an eel. In the Rukongai a person either ran or fought and he had never put much stock in fighting, not when most opponents were bigger and stronger than him.

�Why the hell is this so hard?!� growled Yoruichi, stomping her foot and throwing up her arms.

�Tsk, tsk! What would people say, the Shihouin heir swearing?� he taunted, trying and failing to keep a straight face. With a growl, Yoruichi was on him, knocking him off the rock and rolling around in the grass trying to pin him.

�They would say it was all your fault,� she said laughing. �Hanging out with that Rukongai kid.�

Kisuke twisted like an eel and used a sharp jab to the ribs to push her off him. �If you wanna study kidou on your own, then go ahead,� he snarled, stalking off a few feet. �Or go ask some of your �proper� friends to teach you.� He didn�t need this. Not from Yoruichi. Not from his first real friend.

Who the fuck cared if he grew up in the Rukongai? Why did it matter? He was at the top of his class, ahead of the precious nobles and their stupid heirs. He was smarter and faster than anyone in his group and probably most of the other groups as well. The only person who could hold a candle to him was Yoruichi and she wasn�t half as clever as him. What did it matter if he was an orphan from the 77th? He was the smartest, fastest, brightest student the academy had seen in...well, ever.

Jyuusuhiro could beat him at go, but only one game out of five, and Shunsui could beat him at sword practice, but even Shunsui said that in another year or two Kisuke would be a match for him. And they were three years ahead of him and Yoruichi. It wasn�t fair! No matter how well he did, no one ever saw past his origins. What did it matter where he was born or who his parents were? Or weren't. Didn't his abilities count for anything?

�Kisuke? Aw, come on, Kisuke. I didn�t mean it like that. I was just playing,� pleaded Yoruichi, noticing the stiffness of his spine. He slid out from under the hand she tried to put on his shoulder and turned to glare at her.

�Everyone else gives me shit about where I'm from! I don�t need you doing it too! You�re supposed to be my friend! You swore that it didn't matter!�

�I am your friend. I didn�t mean it like that, Kisuke. Come on, you know that. You know I don't believe any of that dumb stuff. Help me. Please,� she pleaded, catching his arm and gently turning him toward her, bright golden eyes locking onto him. "Come on, Kisuke."

�Okay,� he muttered. "You know, you look really stupid when you try and be all cute and innocent," he told her, cracking a reluctant smile.

"Do not!" she glared, elbowing him in the ribs. Kisuke grunted and retaliated by shoving her, which lead to her shoving him back and within seconds they were rolling around on the ground again, trying to pin one another, laughing and growling taunts.

Yoruichi slammed his shoulders to the ground, grinning down at him. She was straddling his hips and had his hands pinned. "Hah! Gotcha! Now help me with this stupid kidou already."

He grumbled yet couldn't help but smile, shoving her off and getting to his feet. �You�re thinking too hard about the chant. The chants just help guide you; they don't make the spell work. You make the spell work. That's why you can do kidou without the chants when you get good. You need to focus on the energy, not the chanting. Say a wrong word here or there and, as long as it fits in the spell pattern, it'll be fine. Watch.� He quickly muttered the chant for Hadou 33, changing half the words as he went, and shot a blast of blue energy into one of the rocks around them. �See? Nothing to it. You just focus on the energy. Let the chant guide you but don't focus on it.�

�Showoff,� muttered Yoruichi with a quick smile before she tried the spell with the correct words. She managed to summon the energy to her hand but had it fizzle out on the way to her target.

"Good. Just put more power into next time."

Kisuke awoke slowly, gnawing his bottom lip as he tried to hold on to the dream and understand what Urahara had been talking about. He nearly had it. He knew if he could just get things straight in his head he would be able to perform kidou spells without Urahara.

�What�s got your panties in a twist?� muttered Grimmjow, not bothering to open his eyes. He was sprawled out on one of the pallets Ulquoirra had gotten on one of his supply trips. The ex-Espada seemed to have decided to divide their duties, with Grimmjow caring for him and Ulquoirra seeing to their needs. It kept the grim-faced man away from him, which was all Kisuke cared about.

"I need to try something," he murmured, standing and limping off a few paces. He closed his eyes, reaching for the calm, centered feeling he had felt in the dream when doing kidou. The feeling came slowly but with it, the sense of power shimmering just out of reach, the power he had been looking for so desperately. He reached for it and felt it snap through his body. He was chanting before he even realized it, crackling, blue energy filling his hands. Rock exploded in a shower of dust and both Arrancar were at his side and staring at him before the chunks of rock hit the ground.

"What was this message you wanted me to send?" he asked, panting slightly, red flashing around his irises and a smile tugging at his lips. He had finally done it.
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A Shadow of What Was