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A Test of Faith	By : honeyMellon Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male > Renji/Shuuhei Views: 1155 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: No underaged beings, humans or otherwise, are involved in this work of fiction. Bleach and all its characters belong to Kubo Tite, I just "expand" them for fun. I do not make any profit from these work of fiction.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
Previously on "A Test of Faith":

He was the problem, he realized. It was all his fault. He had pushed Renji away himself. First by always letting Renji down, then by questioning his loyalty, and finally, by using Kazeshini against him.
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Chapter 17

The pebble bounced off the surface of the water four times before it finally sank. Without taking his eyes off the water, Shuuhei picked up another stone at his feet and threw it at the lake, then watched numbly as it skipped three times before sinking. As the ripples radiated out slowly, Shuuhei sighed.
Renji had been searching for him for three days. He knew, because Kira had repeatedly tried to convince him to see the man. The blonde 3rd division vice captain had even threatened to subdue him with kido, but had finally relented when Shuuhei responded simply with an empty stare. After that, Kira had backed off.
Shuuhei chuckled bitterly at the irony; before, he had let the opportunity to spend more time with Renji slip by because of work, and now, he had to take a leave of absence just to avoid the man.
With another sigh, he lay down on the soft grass on his back and looked up at the sky. It was a sunny day, even though it was already autumn. During the day it was reasonably warm, but once the sun began to dip, the temperature would abruptly decrease. Now, the breeze that tickled his skin was just starting to get a little chilly. He closed his eyes, wishing that he could just fall asleep and disappear into unconsciousness so that he could escape the torment on his mind and heart.
He shivered from the memory of Kazeshini gleaming in the sunlight as it pressed against Renji's neck. Just a tiny bit more pressure and it would have cut into the flesh. Shuuhei couldn't believe that he had actually resorted to using the very weapon he detested on the man he loved. What was he thinking? He'd asked himself the same question over and over again for the past few days. The only excuse he had was that he'd let rage consume him, and that was what it was exactly, an excuse. He was a vice captain in Gotei 13, for god's sake. He should have had a better grip on his emotions, but no...he had caved and let his feelings take over.
And over what? His own stupid insecurity, that's what. Every time he thought of that, he tried to rationalize it by reminding himself of Kuchiki Byakuya. It was unnerving to know that one of the most formidable man in Soul Society had feelings for his lover. He'd told himself that he didn't mind, because ultimately Renji had chosen him. And for the longest time he'd actually come to believe that himself, that he was totally fine with it.
He had to laugh at his own foolishness. He could fool his mind but not his heart. He had secretly harbored the fear that he could lose Renji at any time, and that fear finally pushed him over the edge and he'd allowed that fear to consume him completely that day. How unfortunate, and again how ironic, that it was that same fear that now caused him to really lose Renji.
Throughout it all, Renji had done nothing but show that Shuuhei was the only person he cared about. He had not hesitated, even for a fraction of a second, to let his captain know that he could not return his feelings. How many people could show that kind of courage, determination, and unwavering loyalty? Shuuhei felt tears sting his eyes. Why hadn't he seen it? Renji had grumbled to him countless times about not having enough time to spend together, and what had he done? Nothing.
Suddenly, he began laughing; he laughed hoarsely at his own foolishness, at what he had done to himself, what he had done to the one he loved. There was nothing funny about this whole situation, but for some reason he could not control himself. So he laughed, and laughed, until his soft chuckles tapered off into breathy sobs. He curled to his side and wished that he never confessed his feelings to Renji. If he hadn't dragged Renji into this relationship in the first place, the redhead would not be hurt like this.
A warm, soft touch on his arm jolted him, and he turned around. He saw a pair of wide, worried eyes staring at him. He propped himself up on his elbows.
"A-Akari-san..." he sputtered in surprise.
The girl was sitting on her heels, her legs folded neatly beneath her. She pulled her arm back, but Shuuhei felt the warmth of her gentle touch linger on his skin. She was the last person he'd expected to see.
"Hisagi-fukutaicho," Akari said, her voice calm and soothing. "We're all very worried about you."
Shuuhei sat up, not daring to look her in the eyes. He fiddled with the grass at his feet and kept silent.
"Abarai-fukutaicho has been looking all over for you, he's not eating, not sleeping," she continued. "All he wants is to see you." She paused and waited for Shuuhei to respond. Nothing; the man just stared at the ground in silence.
"You know, I didn't come here to search for you, actually," she said with a sigh. "This is where I come to meditate when I feel especially sad about my brother. This place is so beautiful, I can sit here all day just staring at the water, and I would feel so much better after that."
Shuuhei looked up at the sad tone of her voice. He had no idea what her family background was, so he just stared blankly at her, waiting for her to elaborate.
"He died when I was little," Akari said finally. "I miss him everyday. I wish he'd never left...there is so much I want to share with him."
Shuuhei wasn't sure what to say. The girl's eyes and nose were a little red, as if she had just cried. "I'm sorry," he said, feeling foolish; it's not as if saying sorry about her brother would make difference to her now. Then, realizing that he did have his own apology to make, he said again, louder this time, "I'm very sorry."
Akari looked at him with a surprised expression. "About what?" she asked, blinking innocently.
Shuuhei narrowed his eyes in uncertainty. Was she feigning ignorance...? He replied anyway, "I said things about you that I shouldn't have. I'm truly sorry. I...I falsely accused you—"
Akari held out a hand to stop him. "I don't take offense from words uttered in anger, don't worry," she said with a smile, then she looked away. Her cheeks colored slightly as she chose her words carefully. "And...and you were right, I do have feelings for Abarai-fukutaicho."
Shuuhei stilled. He hadn't told anyone—not even Kira—that he'd overheard the conversation they had in Akari's room. For all they knew, he was avoiding Renji because he was angry at the redhead for "cheating", or whatever they'd decided to call it.
He decided that he should just be honest; how much worse could the situation get anyway? "I...uhh, I know," he said.
"I know that you know," Akari replied with a knowing smile.
"Huh?" Shuuhei looked up in surprise.
Akari chuckled softly. "I sensed your presence. You stopped concealing your spiritual pressure after Abarai-fukutaicho left, but I was still in my room, you know. I figured you probably heard everything we said."
"Oh" was all Shuuhei said.
"He only has eyes for you, you know," Akari went on, giving Shuuhei an admonishing look.
"I...I don't deserve him," Shuuhei sighed. "You saw what I did. He shouldn't forgive me...after all I said to him, did to him..."
Akari pursed her lips. "You guys..." she said, feeling a little exasperated. "You guys have some serious communication issues." Shuuhei gave her a confused look. "Abarai-fukutaicho has been looking all over you to beg for your forgiveness, and here you are, thinking that he shouldn't forgive you..."
Shuuhei paused to process her words. She was right; Renji was frantically looking for him so that he could apologize to Shuuhei, thinking that Shuuhei was avoiding him because he was still angry at him for "cheating". Yet the truth was, Shuuhei was avoiding Renji because he couldn't bring himself to face the redhead. They're bothblaming themselves.
"I didn't tell him that you were there," Akari said softly. "He doesn't know that you know, and I figured that it is something you should tell him yourself. So...yeah, he's out there, frantic, because he thinks you're still pissed at him."
Under any other circumstances this would be a rather amusing situation, but right now Shuuhei just felt even more depressed.
Akari sighed. "I understand that you want to punish yourself, but is this really worth it?" she asked. "What it all comes down to is that you love each other. By keeping yourself away from him, you're punishing both of you. And it's even worse for him because he doesn't know the true reason for it. He's going to go around for the rest of his life thinking that you left him because you think that he cheated on you! Is that what you want him to remember you by?"
Shuuhei buried his face in his hands. Why did this have to be so complicated? What he wanted was very simple—he just wanted Renji to be happy.
"You know why I'm here today?" Akari asked suddenly.
Shuuhei blinked, surprised by the change of topic. He shook his head.
"Whenever I'm unhappy or sad, or if anything special happened, I always come here and...talk to my brother," she said, blushing a bit. She glanced at Shuuhei, afraid that he would think that she was silly. But he just gave her an encouraging nod. So, she continued, "I would look at the lake and talk to him as if he were here by my side. Well, today I'm here to tell him that...I've found someone who will protect and look after me the way he had, as a brother and as a senpai."
"Don't waste your time...talk to Abarai-fukutaicho while you still have the chance. Trust me, it doesn't feel very nice talking to the lake and wishing that your loved one is with you," she added, her lips quivering slightly.
Akari tilted her head up as tears began to spring to her eyes. She didn't want Hisagi-fukutaicho to see her cry. But her tears overflowed anyway and trickled down her cheeks. She sniffled and brought up her shihakusho sleeve to wipe her face. When she looked up again, Shuuhei was next to her, looking at her gratefully and sadly. With a small sob, she turned and buried her face in his chest, and he held her close, resting his chin on her head just as Renji had the other day.
"I'm sorry, Akari," Shuuhei whispered. He now knew what he needed to do. "Thank you."

To be continued...
Sigh. What would the guys do without Akari. ;) For any new readers, if you're curious about the reference to Byakuya in this story, do check out my other story, "Pride". ;)
Sneak preview of the next chapter:

He ran his fingers across the clumsily-sewn stitches; they were not the prettiest thing to look at, but they were strong and sturdy, just like the pair of hands that had made them.
- 16
- 17
- 18
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A Test of Faith