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Scattering My Perception	By : Snowway32 Category: Bleach > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 2702 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of the characters there within, it all belongs to Kubo Tite. This is purely written for my own pleasure, I make no money from this.

Chapter List
- 1-Scattering My Perception
- 2-Scattering My Perception: Part 2
- 1
- 2
I must apologize first and foremost for my lack of inactivity but I've been having a tough time getting my mind back into my writing for the last few days. Sometimes I struggle to get back into the rhythm of writing when life decides to interfere but those are the times where I need to push aside my previous commitments and just write what I want to. So...we're not quite back to my multi-chapter fics yet but we will be soon, I promise.

I've decided to split this one-shot because of the controversial pairing so that I can a give a little warning beforehand of what you can expect. I also feel the need to post something so long because I have been having far too many inactive days in the last week. For those on the other side of the world, I'd say happy Valentine's Day to you and wish you a good, love filled day. But unfortunately this story is far from being anything sweet.

It's not related to Valentine's Day at all. It's far too dark, emotional, angsty and controversial. The pairing, I ask that you heed the warnings now: is Kurosaki Isshin x Kurosaki Ichigo because I need a break from all my usual pairings and it's been a long time since I've written something as forbidden as this. So here are the warnings, please read them:

This fic contains: M/M lemons, Incest, some swearing, angst, hurt/comfort, Ichigo in his Mugetsu form (I've been planning a fic like this for a while now), a set pairing between Kurosaki Isshin x Kurosaki Ichigo and contains an introduction part and a lemon part. If any of the warnings have put you off, please do not read any further.

This is my fic, if you any problems with it...I don't want to hear it. You have been warned beforehand. For those who remain, please enjoy. Part 2 will hopefully be posted before my 5 -6 day milestone timer is up on my blog.

It's all yours, I'll see you at the end of the chapter.

Scattering My Perception: Part 1

The resounding noise of shattered glass tinkling upon the surface of an unforgiving tile floor below; could be heard ringing throughout the depths of the Kurosaki household exactly twelve months since a stray Substitute Shinigami had woken up from his bitter but triumphant clash against Aizen Sousuke. After successfully having managed to protect those that he loved from an insane man who possessed a god complex larger than the supernatural realms put together, saved Soul Society from destruction and shielded his most beloved hometown from harm; Kurosaki Ichigo should definately have felt more content in the peaceful sense of accomplishment that his rightful victory had the ability to create. But he simply wasn't and that was the cause of his great internal upset and emotional upheaval at the moment. It was also the sole reason why another array of shattered glass had ended up on the floor by his bare feet.

Left to draw a shuddering breath into the depths of harshly resisting lungs mere seconds later; a tall lithe frame was absently leaning against the bathroom washbasin where several rivulets of warm blood fell in a steady plop, plop, plop from the tips of numb fingers. Creating distressing splatters of sickening crimson upon white tiles, the pain never once truly succeeded in capturing Ichigo's dazed attention despite the harsh sting that was present in the shallow wounds by now. Curling long, elegant fingers into frustrated fists by his side; the seventeen-year-old was forced to breathe shakily through the sudden explosion of rage that saturated trembling limbs and caused him to close his eyes in search of immense self-control that could lock away the overwhelming fury that was staining his mind so wholly. Ichigo had become an unwilling captive to his own useless predicament once again; constantly entwined in lingering regret that was slowly but steadily taking over the depths of his heart in a darker and much more dangerous pattern of eternal numbness.

It was just past midnight in the Human World. The deep darkness of an early-winter night consuming Ichigo's pessimistic thoughts with dark despair just as an open window invited inside the silvery rays of a pale, full, moon. Casting its haunting light upon a cracked bathroom mirror; Ichigo instinctively clenched his eyes shut against the burn of pure emotion that was searing the backs of his eyelids in a very familiar and shameful pattern of tears. Instantly chasing up the erratic beat of his unsettled heart, the seventeen-year-old was unable able to hold back the smallest whimper of unease that spilled from petal pink lips unbidden of his permission. He really did not want to see it anymore, he thought despairingly. It was a constant, painful reminder of what he had lost everytime that he was forced to look upon it now; knowing that he no longer possessed the power to protect those that he loved as he had been born to do. Irritably turning his back on the shattered mirror without any true sense of what he had just done, dazed eyes eventually fluttered open after several moments of forced calm and gradually settling emotions.

The moonlit bathroom was glowing harshly around him; bloodied fingertips flicking on the light so that Ichigo would not step in the glass as he became vaguely aware of the image that was reflected through the spider web cracks and distorted surface of a bathroom mirror. In the corner of his eye and the source of his greatest despair these days, was the face that he had woken up to every morning for the last year irrevocably. Gazing back at him with depthless emotions of rage, unsettled turmoil and uncontained sorrow were blood red eyes and deeply furrowed black brows. Red, red eyes that were a stark reflection to his despaired soul as long pitch black locks, tumbling down his back to sensually brush the tops of his thighs with every shift of movement, became the sole representation of his greatest triumph over an enemy and one of his greatest failures as well. However, as a mere hollow reflection of the powers he had once possessed; it was a startlingly cruel reality to live through everyday. It was even a sight that Ichigo mourned deeply...especially because of the harsh grip that his night terrors could enclose around his heart night after night that he was captive to bitterly remembered memories.

'I'm sorry, Kurosaki-san. But there's nothing that I can do.' The words that Urahara had spoken when he had awoken a month after Aizen's defeat; had become the burning sear of reality that Ichigo could not escape from these days. 'As far as I can tell, seconds before the Hōgyoku was sealed along with Aizen, it decided to grant you; the being it now recognizes as its master, one last wish. To give you back the form of your strongest technique. However, because of the innate essence of 'Mugetsu' as I can understand it, it could not grant you your sacrificed powers. This is merely artificial, Ichigo-kun, something that I cannot reverse without knowing exactly what changed within your soul to trigger its appearance in the first place. It's far too dangerous to arbitrarily remove your soul from your body to find the answers, though. So I'm afraid that you are going to have to live with it for now.' All the blonde haired shopkeeper had basically been able to tell Ichigo was that this appearance could not be reversed and that he was stuck with it for the rest of his life and possibly his afterlife as well.

'Shit!' The black haired teen hissed irritably; a lingering sneer curling at petal pink lips as he forcibly stilled his struggling breaths into a more calmed rhythm with sheer determination and will alone. That had been a year ago. Twelve months where, even though it became a little easier to see this appearance in the mornings and the people had stopped staring at him everytime he walked into class, it still remained a deep and painful reminder of the essence to his soul that he had lost. Barely managing to keep himself back from cursing outright, Ichigo wiped bloodied fingertips against the fabric of his sleep pants as he absently bent down to look for the larger pieces of glass that were scattered across the tiled floor by his feet. He was going to have to get over it sometime though, Ichigo thought to himself harshly. That was the second mirror that he had broken in the last month alone; the first having shattered at his hand in startled surprise the moment he had caught a glimpse of his appearance when he had woken from a nightmare not too long ago.

His father was probably going to throw a fit again; like he always did these days when Ichigo seemed to lose himself to the darker of his emotions. But Ichigo couldn't seem to find it in himself to care anymore. He could use the money from his part-time job to pay for a replacement, the only thing that his pay-check seemed to go to these days when it wasn't being put away for after graduation. Ichigo really needed to find some reprieve for the constrictive shackles that were wound around his soul though, needed to escape the uncomfortable sensations that had been chasing through his heart since he had woken from another painful dream of unrestrained fear and clawing emotions again. He was achingly tired by now, however; the world pushing down on his shoulders as the black haired seventeen-year-old tried to ignore the dark circles that were drawn beneath his eyes from lack of sleep and the uncertain tremor that was present in his hands as he quietly shut the bathroom door behind him after having splashed some water on his face to wake himself more fully.

Making his way through the hallway with quiet but determined footsteps, Ichigo eventually pulled a long-sleeved blue jumper over his black shirt to keep himself a little warmer as he tugged his bottom lip between his teeth and settled a warm jacket across his shoulders in the hopes that it would ward against the winter weather that he was sure to encounter outside that night. It was perhaps not such a good idea to leave the home when he was so emotionally unbalanced and unsettled, but Ichigo couldn't help it anymore. He just needed to get away, to clear his head from the painful memories and dark thoughts that had taken up residence in his heart for a long time now. Slipping on white sneakers that were placed by the front door, Ichigo absently wound a blue scarf around his neck before he briefly threw a curious glance over his shoulder and brushed long, messy black bangs away from his eyes as they tumbled evocatively across pale cheeks, fell between his eyes and he instinctively listened for any indication that he had woken his family from their nightly slumber.

There was a subtle light that was spilling into the family home from the direction of the Kurosaki Clinic. An undeniable fact that his father was still clearly awake and could provide the eternal comfort and guiding hand which Ichigo needed so desperately that night. But only if he had the courage to push open the door that sealed it away from him in the first place. Ichigo hesitated, though. The blackette's temple resting against the closed, glass door as his heart wavered uncertainly for several seconds and the former Substitute Shinigami eventually chose to walk out of the backdoor with careful and quiet footsteps instead. Ichigo didn't want to cause more trouble than he already had, it just wouldn't be fair on them. So the black haired teen valiantly bit back his emotions and decided to take the less noticeable way out of their home before his family could notice his current state of being and tried to console him. He really did not know what to do anymore...should he for once discard his pride to seek comfort from his father or to try and stem the deep numbness that was saturating his heart so wholly all by himself?

In the end it was Ichigo's inability to rely on another because of his internal fears, that pushed him towards the outside world of solitude and difficult emotion instead. He was willing to transverse the dark night by himself just so that he would not have to display his upset state to others. It was after all unfair to drag them into his emotional upheaval in the first place, they weren't the reason why he was the detached and broken existence that he was now. Leaning into the caress of an icy cold wind that was swirling wildly around his form, Ichigo paid little attention to hip length black locks that was being whipped around his form erratically and sent long strands of pitch brushing against his spine in a familiar, enveloping and warm touch. Eventually spilling over his shoulder in messy, midnight black waves; the seventeen-year-old merely allowed the soothing scent of coming snow and rain to overwhelm his strained senses for the moment.

He was curling his arms around a thin waist protectively, seeking to prevent his internal warmth from fading too much as Ichigo continued to make his way towards the one place in this small town where he was sure that he could find some rest for his unsettled soul. Situated beside the open fields of Karakura's outskirts, it was the solitary place that Ichigo found himself returning to again and again as the years passed and he had no one else to settle his internal upset like now. Just the mere thought of returning to that place however, was enough to ease his struggling breaths as Ichigo urged himself to place one foot in front of the other with the sheer determination to not let his emotions get the better of him like it had been threatening to do since he had first been startled from his harsh dreams earlier that night. Usually Ichigo showed a lot more self-control than he was at that moment but everything seemed to have reached a pinnacle of distress that night...completely throwing his world into a startlingly real chaos that Ichigo struggled to keep himself protected from as the seconds continued to pass.

With a million stars spread above him in a sea of black velvet; the light of the full moon became Ichigo's only guide as it illuminated his path dutifully the moment that he passed outside the range that the streetlamps reached. He collected several winter flowers that were still blooming on the path as he walked, carefully arranging them in his hand as the black haired seventeen-year-old pushed on in his journey without really paying attention to where he going. He knew this part of town like the back of his hand; leaving him to roam the quiet streets without needing to really take note as the former orangette allowed his thoughts to consume his mind once more in an overwhelming rush of sensation. He was mourning the fact that simply couldn't forget his emotions for a little while, though. He did not want to think of everything that had happened to him and those around him in the last few months in a constant loop of replaying images. And it had been going so well this month, Ichigo scolded himself harshly. He had valiantly managed to keep himself away from transversing the self-pitying thoughts that had tried to possess him so wholly.

But they were once more rushing into the depths of his mind with muddled and difficult emotions that he could barely contain.

Did it make him selfish to want his powers back? To possess a little regret for not being strong enough to protect those he loved without sacrificing that which had defined him so completely? Ichigo really didn't know what to think anymore. He wasn't so sure who he was either and that was what truly threw him. What did he do now when he possessed no ability to protect his family and friends from danger? It didn't matter how his mind raced across these thoughts over and over and over again however; it still wouldn't bring back what he had lost and Ichigo hated himself for not being able to stop the yearning need that he felt to experience anything besides the numbness that had descended upon his soul for so long now. Time seemed to pass into an indiscernible stretch of sensation not long after that, however; the blackette so caught up in his thoughts that when he finally reached the Torii (1*) gates that stood proudly across the entranceway of Karakura's Cemetery, Ichigo barely had time to tip his head forward in respect as he listened to the soothing sound of the rushing river that was situated not too far away from here.

It had been many months since he had returned here, he thought absently. A small stain of true regret against his conscience as Ichigo whispered a quick prayer in search of forgiveness and walked the well known path through rows and rows of graves in search of the one marker that meant more to him in that moment than even the world did. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking but here, away from everything and his responsibilities, Ichigo truly felt as if he could find something to calm himself with. Just the lingering memory of her eternal warmth and comfort should have the ability to soothe his upset, a small consolation to settle his soul as Ichigo came to a halt in front of the Kurosaki family grave. Gripped in his hand was the last of autumn's surviving purple and white wild flowers; the smallest offering that he could have gathered in the middle of the night that the world had been willing to provide for his unplanned visit. It wasn't much and in his eyes, it never would be enough. But Ichigo really needed something besides his own mind to tether his thought to reality that night as he knelt respectfully in front of the stone memorial.

'I'm sorry, Okaa-san. I haven't really brought much else besides these flowers tonight. I even forgot the incense but I wasn't planning this visit so I'm not really prepared.' Ichigo said apologetically; methodically cleaning away the dust, grime and strewn flower petals that were settled across the marker with icy cold water and a wooden ladle that the shrine nearby provided the visitors. Fingertips were brushing against cold stone not long after that, Ichigo arranging the new flowers in the small vase as tired crimson eyes gazed at the name that was carved into the stone so coldly. He could read it clearly in the moonlight, the sky remarkably clear and bright for a winter night as Ichigo breathed softly through his internal distress. 'It's becoming far too easy to slip on a mask and pretend that I'm fine these days. I don't want to lie to them anymore, Okaa-san, but I don't want them to see this. I really should not be affected by this as much as I am. I was expecting it after all. But I can't deal with it so well anymore.' A haunting tenor whispered softly, the teen's body drawing in the cold and detached sensation that the grave brought forth within his heart as Ichigo kept his palm pressed against freezing stone in search of his internal control.

'I want it back, Okaa-san...I want to feel anything besides the numbness that never leaves me alone anymore. How can I keep my promise to you if I don't have my powers anymore?' Ichigo asked despairingly; his greatest shame spilling from his lips as he slowly traced the kanji letters of his mother's name in deep and unsettled thought. Ichigo may have been able to lie to himself again and again these days, to even construct an image that could convince his family that he was fine...but in front of her, Ichigo couldn't keep it up. Not here and not on a night like tonight. For the first time since the blackette had awoken that night, Ichigo let go of his burning thoughts and allowed himself a bit of selfishness just this once. When they came, Ichigo didn't dare bite back their icy touch. They were tracing a path down his cheeks one for one, glittering in the moonlight as he breathed shakily through the sudden explosion of aching emotions that cracked through the numbness that was enclosing his heart so coldly.

Just this once, just this once...Ichigo thought to himself. Just this once, he'd allow himself to let his emotional strain show. It was his greatest shame to lose his ability to protect after all, even when he showed the world an entirely different outlook on his current predicament. To him, Ichigo knew that he had lost the greatest source of his pride and what had made him worthy enough to protect those that he loved. Now he was a mere shadow of the being that he once was. Something had definately cracked inside of him a long time ago; something irreparable that simply refused to find any consolation these days. But like this, Ichigo would slowly begin to rebuild the impenetrable walls around his soul...to shield himself from the pain once more as he carefully sealed away this slip in his control to protect himself this time.

It simply wouldn't do for others to see him like this...they should never know the constant weakness that he struggled against.

1* - Torii – Torii gates are the gates that usually protect the shrines and cemeteries in Japan, it is a representation of the Shinto religion but can be found in Buddhist shrines as well.

Right, that's it. Thank you so much for reading and always being so patient. I'm off now though; I still have a lot to do today. If I may receive a small review for my work, I'd be eternally grateful to you. But other than that, I hope that you found the small introduction enjoyable.

May you all have a great Valentine's Day, or had one if you're on my side of the world. Any questions though, don't be afraid to ask them. I'll try to answer them as well as I can but I won't spoil my plot for you.

Part 2 will be posted in 5-6 days (maybe less), we'll see how my inspiration flows.

Yours Always

Chocolate Carnival
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Scattering My Perception