Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for One Night

By : OriginalSin1132
  • From ryuukoenko on March 31, 2009
    Okay, first constructive criticism: You don't describe the scene. What the hell does Ichigo's hallway look like? is there a rug, carpet, or barefloors? Are there things hanging on the wall?

    Next, you Go back and say something happens as you write it. The best way to fix this is in you SECOND DRAFT.

    Third: keep your writing concrete. Describe things in the five senses. Don't say "this happens." Describe what the character's feel like, in ways that your audience can understand, from their own experiences; this usually includes smell, touch, taste, sound, and finally sight, in that order. Put smell and touch first, because they are the most intense senses. As much as we use our eyes, as people, we're pretty deadened to most sensations we get from them.

    Fourth: Conflict. You don't have any. The only conflict is an afterthought of Yuroichi, as her wound (scab) reopens. in my opiniont (not necessarily fact), it might be nice if Ichigo were opposed to the idea a bit longer than one blow-job. This guy takes on Arrancar for god's sake with nary a second thought; why would his will melt so quickly against a mere beautiful woman? You can still have him do the same things, but make his intent different; make it to get even, or to prove he's better. Yoroichi would pull that kind of Mind-fuck game, and you know it. However, the bottom line is that you need conflicting goals to provide the drama for this piece.

    I suggest you always do both a first and second draft. Don't just run spell check and call it a day.
    Report Review

  • From mkakashi22 on October 12, 2007
    I wouldnt say it was corny. it was pretty good.
    Report Review

  • From kittylil on July 20, 2007
    It, wasn't corny. It was well written and had a good plot.
    Report Review

  • From RacerX78 on June 02, 2007
    Man loved the story I hope you make more of this pairing.
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!