Adult-FanFiction.org : Bleach

Reviews for Prize of Victory

By : NovaAlexandria

From ANON - speedgo41 on July 21, 2011
please tell me that im not the only one that imagines ajuga as a chao.(from sonic AB)
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From ANON - Codry on July 20, 2011
Good chappi *wink* and thanks for answering my question. I realize now that you are right � Aizen is far more expressive then Ulquiorra in everything he does ... still, just like you said, being always in control makes him harder to write � you cannot make him snap or growl at somebody � It�s not elegant :))
However the only thing I saw ulqui �do� in the anime was to stare �

I cannot wait for some interaction between Karin and Byakuya *squeal*

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From ANON - bleachfan7 on July 19, 2011
really fun chap. its lovely to see a super powerful being pretend to be knocked down by little girls. & the kids are pre-bratty stage so you just get to read about the joy of watching them w/o screaming, tantrums, willfulness & so on of real life little ones (& tweens/teens later).

can't guess on yaoi. boggles my mind, unless its just the allure of something taboo for many...
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From JOler on July 19, 2011
Love the chapter. Ajuga is so cute and Starrk would be an excellent daddy if given the chance (still think he and Yuzu would be great together especially if Ukitaki is able to hook up with Nel and leave him a 'vacancy' ... Um ... Maybe in an epilogue or sequel? (ducks and hides)).

Yaoi ... Hmmm ... Now that's tricky because there are probably as many reasons for reading yaoi as there are readers. I know some anime make it almost impossible to have het pairings simply because of the massive imbalance between the genders and the higher number of canon characters are usually male which means most female readers would have to settle for being jealous of the one or two female characters having a veritable bevy of super hot guys chasing them (at least I'd feel slighted if some ... Plain, boring, whiny, spoiled, etc. girl from an anime managed to snag half a dozen hotties without batting an eyelash just because she is one of the almost non-existent females in the show). Another reason is because the personalities of the multitude of males are well developed and designed to mesh where as the females are more like window dressing or an irritant. Then there is a third reason I can see; most if the interesting or desirable males are strong and/or 'bad boy' types. The male counterpart has a chance of countering that character while the few token females are normally not up to the task of balancing out the male leading to a very one-sided relationship which is pretty boring, a damsel in distress fic ditto on the boring, or else a 'rape fic' which is usually distressing andstill has very little potential. (besides - don't us girls deserve to see a bunch of male hotties going at it like the girls do in those trashy porn movies so many men drool over ~ we just don't make the guys have to watch/listen to it all).

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From ANON - bleachfan7 on July 16, 2011
forgot to answer about uki pairing. i thought yuzu given her personality, but you've written her off w/the escapees. is unohana's lieutenant alive? i forget her name, but it was kiyone's sister & she was super tall... she's they caring & healing type that might fit well w/uki. only other females are tia & fraccion, & tia doesn't fit, while fraccion are too loud & snarky. sun sun might be the least obnoxious of the fraccion, so maybe her?
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From ANON - bleachfan7 on July 16, 2011
i had a ball reading this chap. i luv fluff more than any other genre. while i love a good villain of course, i really don't like to read about people suffering anything remotely real-life like. there's been enough crap in my own life & what i've seen those near & dear go thru that i want my ff to distract me from nastiness of reality. i thought tats & tesla were adorable & was glad nnoi was in a good mood. hoping the chain goes bye bye soon & ran gets more freedoms (slowly, i know, can't change him overnight).

thx for trying to include ulquihime. obviously as a non-writer i (and rest in my category) can't understand difficulties you encounter. why is it so much harder than for other characters? do you not like ulqui or ori anymore? out of ideas? i realize karen/grimm pairing is so unusual there's almost nothing you can't have them do & it would be original whereas there is quite a bit of ulquihime fic, but what you have done for them so far is very enjoyable, if sparse. the rape thing is not my cup of tea, but at least in your universe, the rape for claiming is pleasurable, unlike real life. & the added knowledge of person's emotional state via link allows characters to have a much greater level of intimacy (no fake smiles, except in ran/nnoi case--he's gotta know she's faking interest in being w/him & appeasing him to prevent her own abuse via link, but he was such a pig or sadist he enjoyed it?).

hope your ulquihime muse is reignited (& your enjoyment/ease) as well as your muse for the other pairings & main characters in story.
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From ANON - blackfox on July 16, 2011
I believe this is my second review of this story. While I find the concept intriguing, there are a couple of things I need to bring up about your writing. Please take this as contructive criticism, since it has more to do with the grammar, word usage and spelling errors I see in each of these chapters, rather than the content or the actual storyline. It is rare that fanfiction writers concentrate on het couples, rather than various yaoi pairings and I would like to encourage you to continue to develop the characters and pairings you've set up. I would not have thought of pairing Tatsuki and Tesra, but it works here.

The main issue I have with your writing is the grammar you use. If you are going to write in English, please pick a form of English (British Standard, American Standard) as far as spelling and stick with the rules that apply to that forms standard. If you don't know what those are, the web is full of sites to help writers refine their grammar skills and improve their writing. I think finding and using one of those on a consistent basis would be very helpful. While your writing has improved a little since the first time I contacted you about it, I still see that you are making some grammatical errors that make your writing difficult to read and sometimes hard to understand. One glaring example is how you handle spoken dialogue. This is probably my biggest problem with how you write. When you write a sentence that contains quotes, such as "Ichigo, I want you to leave now." Said Karin, you should NEVER capitalize the next word after the closing quote, unless it is a proper name or an acronym. I know that various text editing and writing software (such as Word) have a feature that automatically capitalizes everything after a period. So the way to get around that text editing feature is to either go into the software itself and shut off the auto-correct, or to write out the sentence using proper English grammar. If you aren't writing dialogue consisting of a question (ends with a question mark) or an exclamation (ends with an exclamation point or two, depending on how much emphasis you want to put on what's being said or shouted), instead of ending the part within the quotation marks with a period, end it with a comma. The period in the sentence should be at the very end. Thus, the example sentence should look like this:

"Ichigo, I want you to leave now," said Karin. Or you could swap the last two words: "Ichigo, I want you to leave now," Karin said. Or, if you really want to keep that period within the quotation marks, you must put the last two words first and then write out the dialogue in the quotes: Karin said "Ichigo, I want you to leave now." All of these are grammatically correct, easy to read and flow well. It's a little disconcerting to read your dialogue and get the jarring effect of a capitalized word where none should be. For native English speakers, capitalization should only happen with proper nouns (people's names, places with specific names, such as 'Grand Canyon' or 'Seiritei' or 'Karakura Town', entities with specific names or acronyms, such as 'The Obama Administration', 'Congress', 'Parliament' or 'F.B.I.' and 'C.I.A.') and it throws readers for a loop when they see a capital letter sticking out there. It makes the reader expect a new sentence when the mis-capitalized word is really part of the sentence the reader is currently working on. I would advise you to do the following, if only to make your writing more understandable: before you post, please go back over the piece and make sure you have gotten rid of all of the capitalized letters following an end quote, unless the word is a proper name, proper noun or an acronym. Then replace all of the periods inside of the quotation marks with commas, unless the quoted dialogue is at the end of the sentence. You can leave question marks and exclamation marks in the dialogue as they are, just go back and get rid of any unnecessary capitalization after the quotes.

The other issue is homonyms and misspellings. Even native English speakers get mixed up on some of these, but nothing derails a sentence quite like using the wrong word. Here is an example: "To bad you aren't made of tougher stuff," Noitora sneered. The word 'To' should be 'Too'. The meanings of these words are completely different and putting the wrong one where the right one should be changes the sentence's meaning. Same thing with 'Knight' and 'night', "threw' and 'through' and so forth. Sadly, these aren't things that a spell-check function will catch, as the words are spelled correctly but used incorrectly. Something else I have noticed is that you use English words that are close in meaning or spelling, but don't necessarily 'fit' the content of the sentence. Making a mistake like this can change the mood of a sentence, from potential drama to comedy. Here is an example from the intial chapter with Matsumoto and Noitora:

One hand ran down her back and began to message her lower back, easing the pain slightly.

He's messaging her back? Really? Does her back have a receiver for that text? The word you should have used was 'massage', not 'message'. One letter off and the whole sentence sounds strange. It's these things that make your writing harder to read than it has to be. This sentence is also an example of something I've noticed as far as how you use words; you repeat them within the sentence and paragraph when you don't need to. Replace the first use of the word 'back' with 'spine' and the sentence will flow better while retaining the same meaning and imagery. This is more of a style issue, but using words repetitively within a sentence of a paragraph ruins the 'flow' of the writing. The reader is left wondering if you just ran out of words, don't have access to a thesarus or couldn't find an acceptable substitute for the word. Here is an example from the same chapter of what I'm talking about:

She wasn�t the worse off by far, and she tried to keep her spirits up. She wasn�t the best, but she wasn�t anywhere near the worse. Yes, Nnoitra was a male dominating, egotistical bastard, but as long as she played her submissive role he could actually be quite the gentleman.

The hard part was playing the submissive role. Matsumoto was not a submissive person. It didn�t help that she still had full, unrestricted access to her reiatsu. Haineko was gone, presumably kept with everyone else�s Zanpakuto�s, but she could still fire out all her Kido spells if she desired.

Here is how I would edit this: Change both instances of the word 'worse' to 'worst' (a superlative) since you're comparing the best (a superlative) to the 'worst' (another superlative). It makes more sense and is grammatically correct. It also makes for an easier read. The first sentence in the first paragraph could use the words 'with that thought' at the end, as your first sentence makes the reader understand that Matsumoto knows her situation isn't the 'worst' of those Claimed and uses that thought to keep her spirits up. You can also lose the comma in front of the 'and' in that sentence. Does Noitora dominate men? No. He is therefore NOT male-domineering. A better adjective to use for Noitora in this sentence is one that implies that he has a dislike of women or believes that they are inferior, such as 'misogynistic' or 'woman-hating'. Add the words 'towards her' after 'gentleman', because Noitora has no reason to act like a gentleman towards any woman other than Matsumoto, as long as she remains obedient, or towards someone with more power than he has, such as Halibel or Unohana (and even then he talks nastily about them behind their backs). Change the first use of the phrase 'played her submissive role' to another phrase that means the same thing such as 'acted obediently', 'acted meekly' or 'kept up her docile fa�ade'. Put an 'of' behind the 'all' in the last sentence to make it grammatically correct. The two sentences, corrected, would look like this:

She wasn�t the worst off by far and she tried to keep her spirits up with that thought. She wasn�t the best, but she wasn�t anywhere near the worst. Yes, Nnoitra was a misogynistic, egotistical bastard, but as long as she acted obediently, he could actually be quite the gentleman towards her.

The hard part was playing the submissive role. Matsumoto was not a submissive person. It didn�t help that she still had full, unrestricted access to her reiatsu. Haineko was gone, presumably kept with everyone else�s Zanpakuto�s, but she could still fire out all of her Kido spells if she desired.

I don't generally offer such lengthy constructive criticism without also offering a solution. You've stated that you've written out the story far ahead of what you have posted. What I would like to offer you is some editing, suggested corrections and advice on your writing before you post each chapter to AFF, to make what you post an easier read for those who are fans of this story. I used to work in publishing, a while back, and if you wish, I could beta your chapters. The results will be both easier to read and easier to understand. Please let me know if this is an acceptable arrangement for you. I would have sent this as a private email, but your email address is hidden, so I'm afraid that posting this in the review section is my only option. I truly do like your portrayal of Kubo's characters (his female charaters are so often ignored or downplayed in favor of yaoi pairings) and I'm interested in seeing how far you will take this story. Again, it is rare to find decent het characterizations, even if some of them are non-consensual and a couple of them are borderline Stockholm Syndrome. Please keep up the good work and I look forward to the story's continuation.

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From FatalMars on July 14, 2011
So I am hoping that you are not considering me a flamer, but if you are thats unfortnuate. I am just giving my thoughts to your story that I overall like. But if its something you are uncomfortable with I will stop. This was a nice chapter.
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From ANON - KhaliaKuKuKurosaki on July 14, 2011
This is such a lovely story i love it the The best way to write a story is to have the readers care about the cgaracterss through emotion and its everywhere in this story
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From ANON - bright on July 14, 2011
Still enjoying your story! For Ukitake, I think either one of harribel's fraccion (would be a hilarious plot point if one of them got a crush on him, then after a night or two of wild sex decided she wanted him more than harribel :) or Neliel (even though I suggested a pairing with ichigo before.) Neliel seems like her personality would fit well with ukitake, and she'd probably be great with kids (hers or any of the others running around). If you wanted her to show up, maybe have her captured by someone, get tossed to stark to claim (have aizen decide he wants them to breed so he'll have powerful servants after the current generation of arrancar die of old age, immortality and all) and have ukitake's kindness wear her down until she's sharing his bed : )
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From ANON - Nightqueen on July 13, 2011
I love this chapter! Tesra and Tatsuki are now one of my new favorite couples! They are so wonderful to watch! I hope you continue to write about them in the future! Love this whole storyline and the way you've written the characters! Terrific job!
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From ANON - Ein Graves on July 13, 2011
reguarding Ukitake's potential relationships i've seen some greats story's revolving around him and Nemu. However, with the direction your story's going this pairing wouldn't work you'd it.
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From JOler on July 13, 2011
Lad to see Rangeku finally have some much needed 'girl chat' time. Glad Tatsuki and Nnoitra hit it off so well ... He probably won't fuss too much if Tesra makes it a habit of bringing her by for visits and Tatsuki might even get Tesra to help Rangeku coax Nnoitra into letting both girls go out with Tesra on occasion since there will be another female in the group. Hope to see a bit more of how things are progressing ... Still hoping to see Nnoitra go into shock and panic mode if Rangeku gets pregnant (even if it takes a while longer).

That flamer was just jealous because you write so well ... they had plenty of warnings and could have just skipped any section that was too disagreeable to them.

Ukitaki pairing? Unohana would be first of course ... But I'd think if Nel could control which version of her she would be in that would be a good pairing too ... She did show her mature caring side by taking care of her fractiones like a mom would, she was mature enough to calmly put Nnoitra in his place about being a bully, and she still shows a caring side toward anyone who behaves nicely (like Ichigo and friends ... even if they aren't of hollow origin). Besides ... She could meet Ukitake as a grown up and not let him see her little girl side for a while if she had that control ... and could let him see her inner (occasionally outer) child once he was hooked on her. Afterall Grimmjow is taken and that is who she is normally paired with.
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From ANON - Codry on July 13, 2011
Don�t worry about some stupid reviewers � they are just jealous that they aren�t amazing writers like you :d
I loved this chapter �but still ... fluff doesn�t burn *laugh*
I have a little question for you; it doesn�t involve the story�s plot. You said that Ulqui is hard to write, but don�t you think that Aizen is even harder?

I think Nanao is perfect for Ukitake. I know that you probably fear the clich� of your best friend�s girlfriend, but � duuno � it�s your choice. I�m such a great help, right?

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From jreel08 on July 13, 2011
ukitake would be cute with yuzu. He needs someone that would be sweet to him. I'm not quite sure how that would fit with your current story but it just was what my brain was screaming when I heard the question.

Also, I have a question for you. How do you get started when u write fan fiction? I have lots of ideas but I'm not quite sure how to get started. I started stories from other animes before without problem but it so hard to start bleach ones for me. Feel free to email me if you would like. My email is posted publically on my profile page.

As always, devoted fan. Reread this once a week!!!!
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